Have a great day!

In front of the building I work in, our company has a large LED sign. Mostly used to advertise the current job openings, for this last two weeks of the year - it's impromptu. The lady in charge of it tries to use it to post pleasant messages, etc. And she (NORMALLY) does a great job.

Living in Wisconsin, winter gets cold. We are in quite a cold snap right now - not getting above zero at ALL during the day - wind chills in the negative double digits.

Back to the sign. Being we have no openings right now, the "sign lady" posted a simple greeting: Have a great day!

In normal circumstances, this would not be bad. But you have to get the whole picture:

12:34 pm
-3 degrees
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Irony? Yes. How does one have a great day at minus three?

can it be only the full moon?

Being the thinker I am, I overthink everything. I am trying to figure out what has put me in the funk.

Driving in to work today, the beautiful full moon lit the way. Could it be my funk is a lunar byproduct?

a FUNK

I'm in a funk. This happens every once in a while. Hard to focus. Cranky. Not my normal self. After talking with a coworker who is also a dear friend, I realized the reason (thank you SB!) She reminded me to find people who fill my bucket. Who make me a BETTER person. Who aid my being.

I try very hard to surround myself with bucket fillers, not bucket drainers. But sometimes life hands you bucket drainers. And you have to deal. That's where I'm at today. I need to either a: find a way to distance myself from the bucket drainers, or b: find a way to deal with it, not letting it pull my entire being down.

MMM

Not insurmountable by any means, but definitely not EASY. Because sometimes, either at work, or school, or church, you are paired with a bucket drainer, and you can't distance yourself. (Although I do shut my door sometimes - and the emails keep coming...and the phone keeps ringing....)

Bucket fillers of the world - UNITE. We need to pull together! For our own benefit!

Christmas letter 2008...

Merry Christmas Everyone!
It seems like I was just sitting down to write last year’s letter… where does the year go? 2008 was another busy year, as we jumbled five sport seasons, plays, family vacations, and of course Harley rides.

Allie continued with volleyball and basketball, making the All Tournament Team at the Cranberry Classic Tourney for basketball. June was a big month - drivers license, sweet sixteen party, and braces off! Life changing to say the least.

William had his first season of football this year, which is something I have been selfishly waiting for. I’ve waited my whole life to have a son play the game, and it was a blast watching him learn. He began playing the saxophone this year, and seems to love it. There is a little of me in him yet!

Ken and I took a long weekend on the Harley - as well as a week in Tomahawk for the fall ride. There just never seems to be enough time on that bike… We’re still active at St. John’s, and working on the house. Made a new garden this year - a tribute garden to my mom, encircling the tree given to us when she died. A true labor of love. Had a tomato jungle take over this year. Ken experimented with starting from seed, and none of the little things would die…. We had a LOT of tomatoes!

We decided to stay close for the family vacation this year, thanks to the (then) 3.00 price on gas. We hauled the camper to Door County and had an awesome time checking out the peninsula. It was one of those things we always talked about doing, but just never got around to. So close, and SO amazing. We also took in a Brewers/Cubs game, but we won’t talk about that…..

It was a tough year on the family side. In October we made the decision to move my dad to the Veteran’s Home in King. It was a horribly difficult transition, for both he and I. He was so confused, and I missed him. But after three weeks, he seemed to adjust, and it’s become the amazing place we had hoped. He plays cribbage, goes to movies, works in the wood shop, and even does ceramics. Yes, he does ceramics. And there is a turkey platter to prove it. He doesn’t ask to leave anymore, it’s become his home. And he has friends that he talks with and eats dinner with. We cleaned out the house on west 6th, which for me was traumatic. I thought about buying it, the thought of not having it too much. But then I realized (thanks to the ladies at Bible study) that I will always have the memories. I could let go of the house. It was just that, a house. So the house is up for sale, weird to see it with a for sale sign. Hopefully it will go to a deserving family who can make it a wonderful home again!

So we’re ending the year in such a good place. My dad is taken care of, and happy. We all have our health and happiness too. We have so much to be thankful for in 2008, and much to look forward to in 2009. Our best wishes for a healthy and happy new year, surrounded by family and friends.

a brave face...

Today I have a brave face on. Most days I have a brave face on.. and it's not easy - I wear my heart on my sleeve.

It's the holiday season. We are having a wonderful month. Working at a 4th quarter business, that isn't always the case. But I'm more prioritized toward my family. I let things go that aren't important. We don't have the decorations up yet, we put up what we want when we decide. My home isn't a showplace, it's a home. I'll send cards out this weekend, but won't stress - they get sent when they are sent. It's a welcome treat no matter when it arrives. At night we take time out to have popcorn or cocoa and watch our favorite Christmas classics.

On the outward appearance, my life is in control. My dad is doing GREAT at the home, and I'm really doing well. Honestly, it's the first in three years that I am completely looking forward to the new year, and thankful for all the Blessings of 2008.

But I still miss my mom. It's that simple. I can be doing so well, when all of a sudden, I miss her. Her favorite Christmas song just came on and I'm crying. It is such a huge empty spot in my life, in my heart, in our family. She was the heart of so much. She was amazing. And some days I just miss her.

But I'll cry with my door closed, and by the time lunch is over, no one will be the wiser. Because I can put on my brave face.

White Christmas....

As I sit here in the living room, the fireplace is blazing, a hot Tom and Jerry is on my table, and White Christmas is on t.v. The perfect Saturday night. I have the living room to myself, and with my favorite holiday drink, and my all time favorite holiday movie, I'm ready to begin celebrating the reason for the season.

There are so many things that I love about the holidays... cards with pictures and letters, shopping for the perfect gift for a loved one, the snow, the lights, everything. It just seems like at this time of year everyone puts things in perspective. At least those in my circle. We really do take time to be with family, reconnect with friends. Put a smiling face forward. Help others. Remember those in need.

I'm going to turn off the computer, put my feet up, and relax in the warmth of the fireplace to watch my White Christmas. And hopefully to think about all we are Blessed with. And to pray for those who are in need. To keep Christ in Christmas...

another game...

Allie had a basketball tournament this weekend, and again had great games - this time just on jv. At the end of the tourney, she was chosen as one of the all tournament team, which was a great honor, something that will be listed in the brochure every year forward. We're very proud of her!

so proud!

Friday night was my daughter's debut on the Varsity basketball team. She plays both JV and Varsity this year - playing two quarters in JV and then sitting the bench in Varsity.

We traveled over an hour to watch Friday's game - in a small town called Athens. Allie had a great JV game - very solid. Rebounds, steals, points. It was a good game for her, and they killed the Athens team. Great victory.

Then it was time for the Varsity game. The team came out to their song, running their opening formation in workout suits. I had tears in my eyes seeing Allie out there. We've been watching her play basketball for over 6 years, all leading up to this point. It was awesome to see.

As we figured, she didn't play. But we know that. She didn't even take off her warm up jacket. Until there was just under 3 minutes left in the game. We were up by over 20 points, and Allie and Brittany (the other bencher) were put in! I was so excited for her! It didn't take long for her to rack up a rebound - her first official stat as a varsity player! My pride in her was growing!

THEN...

The ball got passed to her, and she was wide open - so she shot, and SUNK a 3-point swish! It was awesome! All of the parents on our side knew it was her first varsity game, so the sidelines erupted. Parents giving her whoots and claps. After the game another mother came over to congratulate her.

I am ridiculously proud of her. To be able to keep her wits about her in her first game, enough to not be afraid to jump for the rebound, or try the shot. She's not a normally strong 3pt shooter, but that didn't stop her from trying.

It was an amazing night - one with many points of tear filled eyes for me. She's growing up so quickly, it's the moments like this I'll cherish forever.

a weekend of renewal...

Last weekend was our fall scrapbooking getaway. Eight of us rent a house up north, on a lake, where we laugh, confide, scrapbook, and renew. It's a great time of year to do it - just before the holiday rush - cold outside (so why not stay inside). The mix of people changes a bit every year. But it's always a great weekend.

I know that these little getaways are very important to me. I run full throttle 24/7. That's who I am. But I also take times like these to just breathe. And it is SO refreshing. I come back with a fresh outlook - new energy - ready to tackle the next four months of holidays.

This is why we HAVE girlfriends. THIS - - -is how we survive...

I'm IN!

This morning I received an email welcoming me to the MBA program at Lakeland College. I'm in. I sign up for my first class on December first, with classes beginning in January. I'm scared, I'm excited, and I'm wound tighter than a top...

I've been toying with this for 16 years. It's expensive, but I feel it's an investment in me. I'm what they call a "lifetime learner" and I can't express just how excited I am right now.

the finale

This weekend, my siblings and I cleaned out my parents home, dividing up items, taking truckloads to Goodwill, and cleaning. I did surprisingly well, not breaking down until early Sunday morning. I'll start at the beginning.

When my mother died, our family split. There were a lot of reasons - a cookbook that was taken, lies, jealousy. Three and three.

There have been downright nasty phone calls and letters. Many not speaking at all for the last 2 years. So I wasn't looking forward to Saturday at all. I prayed late Friday night for a good day Saturday. I wanted us to spend the day reminiscing and laughing. In my heart, I knew that was a slim possibility, but I was determined to try to guide it that way.

When one showed up, someone I've not spoken to since the funeral in 2006, I made a point of saying good morning. So did the others. I think that he realized our intent - not to continue this horrific feud, but to put it all behind us. When 8 came around, the time to start, one was no where to be found. So we started without him. He sauntered in at 8:30 and walked over to an antique table he helped our parents redo and said "I want this". When it was explained that we were each buying the large things, to go into the estate money (later divided), he informed us that he wouldn't be buying ANYTHING. So he didn't get it. And it ticked him off. The rest of us had a blast - over bidding each other, letting each other have things we knew were important, etc.

Everyone started to loosen up a bit when we got to the tables of stuff - that we took turns choosing. And honestly, in the end, everyone got lots of things they wanted to remember our folks by. Probably TOO much. 4 truckloads went to donations - and there is more to go. And we were able to (after all loosened up) to have a good day after all.

Saturday when I returned home, there was a "get well box" on my step from a dear, dear friend. I have a bad cold, and she sent me tissues, chicken soup, orange juice, some cocoa, 7up, and two little bottles of whiskey. In talking to her, she had intended brandy - for an old fashioned - but could only find the little whiskey. My mom's drink was a whiskey sour, something I've never tried. So I had one in her memory on Saturday night. Cheers!

Sunday was my mom's birthday. I was awake at 5 am, so I got up and started sorting through the boxes of things I'd gotten - trying to find places for things. I love having her dishes in my cupboard. I love seeing things that are from my childhood home in my own home. In the bottom of one of my boxes were things my eldest sister had deemed mine. Pictures, etc., that meant only to me. I found a book I'd given mom exactly 20 years ago on her birthday. I found a book I'd ask her to fill out with memories of her childhood. I found family tree papers from years ago. It was awesome. Then, I cried. It was time.

the election...

I am not an outwardly political person. I have my views, which don't stray much, but I don't often discuss them. I'll discuss the state of the world, but very seldom speak of my own political views. I am Republican. Conservative, Lutheran, small town mid-America Republican. Have been my whole life.

There were two big decisions happening in my realm last night. One being the president, another a school referendum in our district.

I voted for John McCain. But I'm ok with Barack Obama being president. And that is not something I've said in past democratic victories. I remember 1992 watching elections with a girlfriend in Omaha. Talking to ourselves that the US would not be stupid enough to elect Bill Clinton. We were smarter than that, right? Yeah. I was wrong. Then, I was worried. I worried about what would happen. And look what did!

But I truly think that President - Elect Obama will do a fine job. I have respect for him. I think he will be fine. This country needs a change, and I sincerely hope that our government can do something.

On the second matte, we had a referendum. First time ever that our school district has had to ask for more money just to pay the bills. Things up to be cut directly affect my children - Jr. High sports, drama, pep band, FFA. Again, I'm not vocal about my support. That's just not my style. But I was very in support of it. How can we not invest in our children? My husband didn't agree. I know for a fact he voted against it.

Last night the first return we saw was a draw - 57 for, 56 against. And I became angry. I for the first time started worrying that the referendum would not pass. And my husband voted against it. I don't think he felt it would affect us. A no vote would mean no jr high sports for our son, no drama for our daughter. No pep band for either. I should have spoken up sooner. But I have a hard time showing that passion.

Luckily - the referendum passed, and all is ok. And I think in the end, DH realized the need to really think about issues like this.

Finding missy....

I can't believe how bad I've been at keeping up this blog. It's not that my life is so busy, it's that I've had it out of my sight, and thus, out of mind.

I am in a place right now - or should I say in between? I'm trying to find my new identity. I no longer am the martyr child taking every lunch to dote on father. I have this strange "un presence" in my life. An hour in the middle of the day with no committments. I'm a drifter, a wanderer. Homeless for that one hour.

I've decided NOT to buy my parents home. I had plans on doing that - which would have given me something to do at noon. But I need to NOT be pulled in a million directions. I need to be ME. Wife, Mother, Homemaker, Manager, ME>

Let's take a look at this week so far. Yesterday at noon I went to the MALL. I can't tell you the last time I went to the MALL. I went to a store that is closing and got some clothes for my son. It was so FUN!

Today I went downtown. Window shopped - finding a brand new party supply store (a great find!). Then I made an appointment for a hair cut/color at the new day spa (something I've been meaning to do since they opened), and then I went to the coffee shop, where I had yummy minestrone for lunch and read my book.

I have to say that I am torn about this new lack of identity. It's only an hour a day. But it's already seeming strange to me. We'll see where it goes. I've written for information on an MBA program through the local college - figuring I can get that on my plate too.

It's a rite of passage I presume, having put dad into the home, I all of a sudden don't have the daily worry. Weird. New. Transitionary. We'll see!

the first snow...

While running errands at lunch today, the first snow of the season began to fall. It's one of those God moments for me, every year. It never gets old. I never take it for granted.

life as a power of attorney

These last 7 days have been such a whirlwind. I'm afraid if I don't take time to write, I will forget so much. So bear with me as I pour out some details of what has been happening...

Thursday 10/9 we took Dad to King. By 10/10 he was moved to a high security floor, sedated, and we'd been asked if they could restrain him. 10/11 the nurse called to tell me he'd not been doing well. My sister had gone on Friday and had left when he got agitated. I cried all day Friday and most of Saturday.

Saturday my son had his last football game. I was really feeling abandoned at that point. Not in a good place with my dad. My emotions were definitely not in check. My son not playing hardly at all put me over the top. I didn't sit by the other parents. I actually left for a while. I couldn't STAND to be there. I really feel right now like we don't belong here. I feel like the other kids are closer, excluding my son. I don't know that this is happening, it's just how I feel right now. I want nothing to do with anyone. I want to go home, and be there. With DH and kids. That's all I need. In essense I'm an orphan. Mom's gone. Dad unable to remember what is going on. At 38, I want nothing more than to run away with my DH and kids, and never look back. If it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be.

Monday brought another call from the home. Dad is spitting at nurses, pinching people. That is what they tell me. I can hardly believe he is doing any of that. It's not him. Not to mention the weekend nurse felt the weekend went ok, but now the week nurse (same one from Friday) can't handle him. They've taken away his chew, putting him into withdrawl, which I'm sure is not helping.

I'm sick of telling people how things are going. I'm sick of babysitting. I'm sick of a lot of things right now. And the worst part of all is that I can't show these true colors to anyone. I am a manager. Everything is rosy. Business as usual. Whatever.

where to begin...

I have so many random thoughts running through my head, I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday we moved my dad to the VA hospital. With his dimentia, we knew that it would be hard to get him to understand. So to get him there, we had to lie. That is one of worst feelings in the world. Lying to a parent. Deceiving them. Tricking them.

So Dad thought we were going for a drive - to ck out the home. He had no idea he was being moved there. How I wished it had been just a nice drive. We had a great ride - over an hour - beautiful fall colors - clear blue sky - but I was sick to my stomach knowing what was waiting for us.

And it was the worst case I could have imagined. Once we got there, we explained to him what we were doing, and he got so angry. He screamed at us, right there in admissions. He asked what he had done to deserve this. He wanted to go home by mom. He had no concept that he'd been alone for 2 years. He didn't understand that he doesn't take care of himself anymore, that we do everything for him. He didn't remember any of the conversations we'd had - or the lists I'd made of all the things they have at the home. He was angry, upset, and sad, all at the same time. And it tore me up. I will never forget the way he looked at me.

The staff took him to his building, while we signed papers. When we got there, he seemed to have forgotten ever being angry. I think he thought he was in a hospital for something? He seemed to like his room mate - he seemed to be ok. Although I don't think he knew this was permanent. When we left, we got hugs and kisses, and he was watching tv with his roommate.

I just got a call. Last night and today didn't go so well. They are moving him to a lock-down floor because he's wandering from room to room - taking soda from another person's fridge. He doesn't have any idea where he is, or where he should be. How I wish it could be me instead of him. I feel horrible for him. To be confused, scared, agitated. I hate that he needs to be moved. I want him to take advantage of all the wonderful things they have to offer. I assumed because he was living alone, that this would be a reason why he could be on the "light care" wing - but it doesn't appear so. Maybe after getting used to it, he can move back. I hope so. I do not want him institutionalized. I feel horrible. I am the one who signed the papers. I am the one who makes the decisions. And it is tearing me up inside.

the cowardly lion...

I will be admitting my dad to a VA hospital in two days. And I couldn't muster the courage today - to go and see him for lunch. I've gone to lunch at Dad's house 3-4 times a week for the last 2 1/2 years - since my mom died. The thought of having "one last lunch together" kills me. And I can't do it. I'd rather that Monday be my last - as it was normal. I didn't know on monday at noon that this would be happening. So Monday's lunch was normal.

I went to dad's after work last night - to discuss everything - and it was excruciating. It is killing me inside. And I'm afraid to go over there for lunch. I want to remember lunches with dad like they were BEFORE this came. Those lunches are gone forever. So many times I thought about it being the last one - but I guess I had some kind of disconnect with the entire concept.

So cowardly missy is sitting at her desk. Rather than cherishing the last few days lunches, I'm hiding. I'll go after work, when it doesn't matter.

the time is here...

At 3pm yesterday I received the call. The VA home has a room for my dad. They would like him there by Thursday. I've been in a surreal cloud since then, crying mostly. I guess I thought we'd get a few weeks notice?

I knew this was coming - and I know it's the best for him. But it's going to be so hard to say goodbye...

LIVE UNITED

I can't believe it's been three weeks... My, how time flies. A quick update:

Held a surprise party for my father in law one Saturday - a story in itself, when I have more time. Family funeral this week - one of my DH's loving aunts - always remembered to send cards, call to say hi. She was ill, so it's a blessing, but she'll be missed! One of DH cousins had emergency open heart surgery - at age 32 - last week. Staph infection had destroyed one of her heart valves. Very scary week, but she's come through, and we will support her through recovery!



Last Wednesday marked the beginning of our United Way campaign here at work, which I lead. LIVE UNITED - U make a difference! We've had a book sale so far, and today I'm running around getting supplies for the company wide brat sale.

• 675 brats
• 105 hot dogs
• 64 DOZEN buns
• 6 cans of sauerkraut
• 11 lg bottles of ketchup
• 5 bottles of mustard
• plates, napkins, and forks OH MY!

It's my third year with this and I think I'm finally getting it down! It's our kickoff to a month of fun, which this year includes basket drawings, a chili cookoff, and breakfast of champions. I thrive on fundraising. It's in my blood. Something I'm very passionate about. I've been involved with United Way for three years - now on our community campaign committee as well. Today I was photo'd for a profile going in the paper. I had to write a few sentences about my passion:

LIVE UNITED is a way of life for me. Through every day courtesies - helping out neighbors in need - to donations to charities of choice. I am Blessed to be healthy and able to help others in need. I work with our corporate Community Action Committee - which supports volunteer efforts and fundraising in our community. I participate in social opportunities with my children like raking leaves on Make a Difference day, or building a home for Habitat for Humanity. My hope is that through my actions, others will be inspired to do the same. I hope to create a ripple effect, of good work for others in need. LIVE by example.

trapped.....

trapped.....
I am trapped.
I am a leader trapped in a manager's job.

I am taking part in a magnificent program for leaders in my home town. My corporation has sent me. And I love it. I live for these things. These first two days are all about situational leadership, character, traits of leaders, Myers-Brigs, and the ropes course.

Today - in reading the difference, I realized that I am a leader trapped in a manager's body. I understand now why I had to go to HR to ask why I'm not being promoted. I have probably 90% of the characteristics in a strong leader, yet I am stuck in a position that only allows me to be a manager.

I am a leader, possibly a great leader, trapped...
Trapped in a manager's job....

Major life challenges...

I am getting tired of crying. I am in the process of a major life change - putting my elderly father into a nursing home. He has severe dementia, and some days he's ok with what's going on and other days he's not. Today was one of those "not" days. He knows he needs to leave his house because it's too big. He hasn't realized that he can't take care of himself anymore. I've been prepping him for months, talking about his changes, talking up the veterans home he will be going to. But on days like today, he absolutely gets angry even talking about it.

While I know it's going to be SO good for him, it's SO hard to see him angry. My mother passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then, he's been in that house, by himself. Unable to leave (he can't walk without some assistance), he gets up, makes coffee, eats toast. Watches the news. Does his crosswords. Reads his books. That's about it. He seems so lonely. And I really think that having other veterans to shoot the breeze with will be amazing for him. But today he wanted nothing of it.

And I don't just cry for dad. Selfishly, I cry for myself. The home he will be leaving is the only childhood home I had. We moved there when I was two. I have no memory of the farm at all. For the last sixteen years, on most weekdays, I have spent lunch there. For the first year and a half after returning from Nebraska, my daughter and I lived there. After marrying and moving 20 miles away, I still worked in my home town, and went over there every day to have lunch and chat with my mom. After mom passed away in 2006, my lunches changed from chats to my daily work hour - making dad a hot lunch, doing his shopping, cleaning his house, doing the laundry, etc. And each day we chat - something we never did before. Mom and I were always close, so I just spent lunch chatting with her. Now, I've created that bond with dad, and have heard stories from his time in the service, growing up, having a young family, everything. Something amazing . And I cry every day when I leave, knowing my lunches with dad are numbered. When he moves, he'll be an hour away. The house will get sold. MY home will get sold. It will be the end of a huge chapter in my life. One, that at age 38, I'm not ready to close.

Holistic well being

I had the opportunity this morning to begin my day at a seminar about stress management, and the holistic approach. The point was simple. All of our "beings" are connected - our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Being balanced as a whole is managing our health. Being holistically healthy.

In the seminar, she brought up that studies are being done to show that mental/emotional/spirtual health are directly related to our susceptibility to disease, and how we fight that disease.

A case in point. A good friends mother just went under quadruple bypass. And she's doing really well - improving quickly. This woman is the most balanced I think I know. Being a social worker, she is in tune to emotional health, and she's just "got it all together" that way. I really admire her. I truly feel she will recoup quickly, as her outlook (i.e. the spiritual/emotional/mental heath part of her) is so strong and healthy.

I just found out that a good friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. And she is a complete type a - under ridiculous stress at work, and at home. And I truly worry about her ability to fight this - as I don't see her whole being being in balance, in sync, and healthy. I hope that I can guide her into a better place emotionally, so that she can better fight this.

In those two women I see a completely different outcome - solely based on the state of their being. There is so much truth in holistic health. On our attitude. On our outlook on life. On how we handle the stress given to us on a daily basis.

another great life experience....

Today was another one of those great unexpected life experiences. I had the day off - taken to set up my garage sale for tomorrow. I always rush when setting them up on Friday night, so I thought I would take the day to myself to enjoy the process....

BUT. My DH had made plans with his parents to attend an auction. Not a normal auction, a PRODUCE auction. Now - I'd never heard of a produce auction before. They had gone for the first time earlier in the week, and invited DH to go. He asked if I was interested. I threw my towel in on taking my time with the sale and said sure.

We started with breakfast at their house, then drove the hour to the sale. It was one of the neatest things I've experienced in a long time. Basically, it's a modern day market square - but an auction. Growers from all over the area bring their goods, register the lot, and buyers from all over the area bid on them.

I'm a big fan of farmer's markets. Of buying local. So this was amazing. Bushels upon bushels of tomatos, onions, peppers, sweet corn, peaches, pumpkins, gourds, squash, flowers, and nearly every type of vegetable you can think of. It was SO hard not to bid on it all! It was an entire pole shed filled - with people milling about, drinking coffee, chatting about the weather, the crops, the election, oil prices... Just a small town Midwest country day. Something that I, as a working woman, wouldn't normally get to experience.

The thrill of bidding, and WINNING my prizes was amazing. We came home with a truck loaded down with watermelon, sweet corn, bell peppers, pumpkins, and peaches. All day long I thought of all the veggies and fruits I could freeze and can, all the recipes I can prepare. I can't wait for the weekend to play! I'm filled with daydreams of peach kuchen, and frozen sweet corn, and my next visit to the market!

the desperate housewives of 54466...

Catching a rerun of DH this Sunday inspired me to write about my own DH. The DH of 54466....

It all started innocently. Our boys were on the same baseball team. We had a blast at games, joking around. Then I invited them to a wine tasting at my house. We had so much fun, we decided we had to do it again - this time in the hot tub. That first night in the hot tub was so fun, we've done it three more times since!

There are four of us. All in completely different places in life. But all connected - by our children - and now our friendship.

Three of us got together Friday - one couldn't make it - but we had the greatest time. We sat in the hot tub, sipping wine slush, and talking the week away. One had sent out an SOS that it had been a rough week, and she needed us to put it behind her.

That's what we do - the DH of 54466. We are there for each other, in good, in bad, whenever we are needed.

random friday afternoon thoughts

Last week of summer hours here, so the office is quiet - except for those of us on "coverage". I have a great agenda for the afternoon, hoping to get some things organized and even completed before leaving. I need a good, productive week next week, and I think an afternoon of doing research, putting things in order, will help tremendously.

We've entered the ever hectic life of the school year. Football has begun, practices 2 nights a week, games on Saturdays. Volleyball has begun, practice and/or games every night. School starts on Tuesday - which means HOMEWORK starts on Tuesday.

Along with school comes working the consession stand, fundraisers, parties, and all that jazz. First varsity football game is tonight, which is always fun. We travel to all the games if possible. Even though DS is only 11. It's great to watch, and social too. Time for us parents to reconnect after the summer too.

Sept and Oct are crazy busy - with only 2 weekends between the two months that aren't booked. I hate that aspect of my life. But unfortunately that's who I am. I need to work on that. But FUN things to look forward to. 5 days in the northwoods with my hubby and the harley. A weekend of fun at our best friends house in the southern part of the state. Scrapbooking with friends from NE. Mama Mia on stage in Milwaukee. All good things. All great things. I really can't wait! But I do love those weekends at home, with nothing to do. And unfortunately, they are far and few between these days! Maybe November.....

Monday already?

The weekend felt SO short. We were camping, but near our home because DS had football scrimmages on Saturday. So after practice on Friday - 7:30 - we headed to the campground. Spent much of Saturday at football - 7:30-2:00, then camped the rest of the weekend. Lots of good talk, laughing, and fun was had.

I spent Sunday trying to recoup the house, hanging out laundry, baking breads, just enjoying an afternoon at home. DH was working, DD was gone with friends, so the DS and I just hung at the house. I swear I should have lived in the 50s. I love days like that - cleaning, washing laundry and hanging it out on the line, baking, making dinner for the family. I love being domestic. (Kind of a sickness).

Honestly, that is the ONLY drawback to having a career. I don't get enough time to just take care of the house...

Well, back to career lady. Two more weeks of 50 hour weeks, and I'm BACK TO NORMAL. I can't wait.

an honor

So today I received a letter of congratulations for being accepted into a leadership program in the town where I work. It will be a LOT of work, but also an amazing journey of personal growth, representing my company in the community, and DOING things for the community. I'm ridiculously honored and humbled to be accepted.

WOO HOO for me~

the meeting...

So I had the big meeting with HR yesterday. I took my entire personal folder - with all past reviews, letters, emails, everything. She will review it. We will meet again. I have nothing to report from the meeting, except that she said she's never heard anything but praise. That's good I guess. But it doesn't mean I'll get anywhere with it either.

the saga continues.

pondering society

Sunday at church, one of the ladies had her beautiful granddaughter with her. Haven't seen the little girl since Christmas, when she was only a couple weeks old, and it was a joy to see her. She sang along with the hymns, smiling at everyone.

It reminded me of a saying I saw on a building in Omaha - the birth of every baby is a sign that God is not yet done with us.

I have always loved that saying, and think it each time a baby is born. But especially with this little girl.

This little girl has two dads. Her dads, committed to each other, adopted her. She has the most amazing, loving family you could imagine. A wonderful fate. Or is it?

I have two couple friends who are in same-sex relationships, that have adopted. And in both cases, they are the most amazing families. They have SO much love and committment, it's both a Blessing and a lesson. We should ALL be that devoted.

What frustrates me, is that though both of these beautiful, and amazing little girls, have fantastic families, and will never want for any affection, love, help, or whatever they may need in life, society is not ready for them. And will this adversely affect them?

I am a strong Christian, and I know that there are Biblical passages against same-sex marriage, or at least in interpretation. There are many Christians who are VERY vocal against it. I just am not one of them. I see the love that these two families have, and cannot for the life of me think that God is upset with them. Jesus preached agape love. He didn't judge, not the Canaanite woman who needed help for her daughter, not anyone. So how can we, as Christians, judge anyone?

It really upsets me that in a society filled with hate, crime, violence, war, and all the other bad, we don't realize the need to break down the walls. The walls should be between good and bad, not between different sexual orientations, or different religious beliefs, or different skin colors, or... If we spent half of the energy wasted on discussing, protesting, or fighting about those types of differences on creating unions, and helping people in need, what a great world this would be. If we spent more time worrying about and taking care of others BEFORE ourselves, think of what we could do.

I often wonder if we are nearing the end of the world. Not in a defeatest mentality, but in the fact that the true good in people, the love between DIFFERENT people, is missing. It saddens and scares me that hating others is so easy for so many, but helping and caring for others is something people "don't have time for". Our world is in a downward spiral. And until we get back on track, focusing on what is truly important - love, family, caring for others - it's not going to change.

Why should two beautiful girls, being raised by loving parents, EVER have to worry about being judged. But I have a gut feeling they will. AND THAT IS WRONG.

signs...

Is the universe full of signs? And do we just not take time to see them?

I have always been a strong believer in signs. Everything happens for a reason. So I ask, what is God, or the universe, trying to tell me today?

I slept in a few minutes - not a lot - was on the road just in time. About 4 miles down the road, I realized I'd taken the wrong route to work. A wrong decision that would take me about 5 miles out of my way, now making me about 5 minutes late.

I left the facility to return to my office this morning, and stopped to get a coffee. In leaving the store, I decided for no reason to take the back driveway out, only to find myself blocked by construction. So I took a left, going one more block, to find THAT road closed as well. So I took another left, now 3 blocks out of my way, and wasting more and more time.

I have to think that God is telling me something. Maybe I needed to be held up to avoid some potential situation. Maybe my guardian angel saw something ahead, and I needed to go a different way.

I have the big meeting today - with HR. I hope that these signs aren't preparing me for a rough meeting. I guess time will tell.

a new week

Last week was tough. 55 hours at work. Busy every night with football. DH on graveyard, so no help at all. I am exhausted. Unfortunately it took my entire weekend to get my house back in order- - scrubbing the bathroom, cleaning off the kitchen cupboards. Did get a little organizing done, but not nearly what I was planning! I have a big garage sale coming up and I'm in the THROW it mode, so it's time to dig in! Funny how freeing that can be!

Had some blood tests done today - follow up of a research program I started when I was TWELVE. I have no problem answering some lifestyle questions, having measurements and stats taken, even giving up my blood. BUT I COULDN'T HAVE ANY COFFEE UNTIL THE TESTS WERE OVER. That is where I draw the line. I didn't have my first cup until noon! That is unnecessary, and inhumane. HAD I KNOWN, I would have made an earlier appt! :-)

But it's all in the name on research, and for that, I'm happy to help. Hopefully they gain lots of good info - it's been 26 years since the first screening!

Well, time to get back to work. Dig in. Lots of things on my plate these days - no time to waste. Maybe I'll drink enough coffee that I'll sort and toss well into the night...................

taking a step!

ok, a baby step.

But I've made an appt with Human Resources at work to create my career path. I've done enough whining - it's time to take it into my own hands.

wind from my sales...

My horoscope today alluded to the following:
You need to know when to keep pushing yourself to do more, and when to walk away.

I have been pushing myself to the edge for 15 years for the company I work for. Constantly taking on more responsibilities, pushing my limits, and I think, doing a great job. I've been praised constantly for it.

But today - another woman, my same age, was promoted for the second time - while I am still in the same title I was 15 years ago. What am I doing wrong?

I think it's time to just walk away.

stress

I have realized that this blog replaced venting to my BF when she moved away. I worked with her every day - and was able to vent, let things go, and move on. But now she works for our competition, so I can't say ANYTHING to her about ANY part of my job, and that sucks!

I work in a dept that services almost the entire company - in different ways. I think my greatest stress comes from the fact that all of these departments don't realize that I DO service the rest of the company. In any given day, I will get a dozen email requests for information - some simple, taking less than an hour, but others require hours of research. And answering these requests is really just a "side job" of my position. My real job is much more intense. So getting these little "requests" just adds additional stress to an already stressful position!

UGH!

whew. thanks for letting me vent!

vacation

So the family spent four days last week on vacation. I cannot express how much it means to me to have so much fun just hanging out with my DH and kids. Some of my favorite moments...

• the kids hanging out in the hammock TOGETHER horsing around
• sitting by the fire with DH
• getting a hole in one at putt putt
• playing goofy arcade games with DS
• realizing at the same moment as DD that the "boutique" we were in was a wee bit beyond our means, and exiting quickly
• playing in the sand of Lake Michigan
• sitting outside watching a movie at the drive in with DD - counting the shooting stars - we saw NINE!

It was just so awesome to have no agenda, but just do fun things for a few days. DD will be out of the house in two years, and its moments like these that I will cherish my whole life.

home at last..

Wow, the last three weeks have been a whirlwind. The last week the busiest of them all. After a wonderful weekend getaway with my DH, we took the kids to Door County, a beautiful little piece of Wisconsin, to go camping for four days. Needless to say, I'm wiped.

I am continuing to enjoy my reconnection with several friends from our class reunion. Seriously reconnect. Emailing, chatting, and planning some get-togethers. What an awesome thing this has become. We had some amazing friends back then - and now!

Having not really been home for the last two weeks, I have a lot to catch up on this week. Need to get back into my FLYlady routine - get the house (and my life) back on schedule. I NEED ROUTINE.

DS has his first ever football practice tonight. He's pretty excited. Dad's pretty excited. Heck, I'M pretty excited. I'm a big football fan, so this is something I've wanted to see my entire life. My DS playing. WOO HOO. Hope he likes it!

We are nearing the time to put my dad in a nursing home. I went to see him at lunch, having been gone for 5 days. It wasn't one of his better days. Definitely not. So I know that the home is the right place for him, but that doesn't make it any eaiser...

I realized that once dad is in the home, and the house is sold, I will have nothing to do at lunch. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don't live in the town I work in. So every day for the last 16 years, I've gone to my parents house at lunch when I didn't have other plans. On average, four times a week. What am I going to do on my lunch hours once the house is sold? I really don't want to start working through lunch. I don't want to get in the habit of shopping every day at lunch either. I'm thinking I'll take my lunches at the library - - - read my books.

Weird, to all of a sudden be faced with this reality. My daily life will be more affected by this move than any of my siblings - who don't live here. For them, it means visiting dad somewhere else. They lost that attachment to the homestead years ago. I don't know if I'm ready to do that...

on being a grown up

Being a grown up sucks. Two years ago I had to issue DNR orders to allow my mom to die. Today I had to have my dad sign papers to enter the King Veterans Home. Days like these are SO hard. I'm only 38. Having to deal with aging parents has been so much harder than I ever imagined. Mix that in with taking care of a teenager and a son, and it's so taxing.

Dad is ready to leave the house, but not to enter a home. It is so hard to try to explain. He just doesn't remember or understand things. Some days he doesn't realize Mom is gone and it's been two years.

I realized that now that the papers are signed, and he has his doctor appt in early September, that he could be in the home by mid-sept. I realize now how much I'm going to miss taking care of him. While it's so much mental strain and work, I have come to enjoy my lunches over there. They've become a way of life.

Dad's only going to be an hour away, but I know that it will be much further between visits. I've said from the beginning that I worry that my visits will become so much fewer. Taking care of him has insured my time with him.

While days are hard - especially having to relive mom's last days to help him remember - they've also been fun. It's great listening to his stories. It's fun when he cracks a joke. We discuss world events, and family. I go over every detail of my vacations with him - as he lives through me.

I guess today I realized just how much of a Blessing the last years (16) have been - coming back here to take care of both Mom and Dad. I wouldn't trade them in for the world. Many (including some family) looked down on me for moving back - feel I've not lived to my potential. I realize now my greatest potential was in the last 16 years. What a gift.

Another monday!

Trying to recoup after an amazing long weekend with the DH. He swept me off on the Harley for a three day get away - up around the northern tip of Lake Michigan, down into lower Michigan - for an amazing Kid Rock concert - outside, on the side of the hill. Very "woodstock" if you will. We rode the bike (only a true fan rides 800 miles on a Harley to go to an outdoor concert), and had a fantastic time. (Although today I'm walking a little bow legged!)

Weekends like this really refresh a person. Getting away from the kids - from the responsibilities at home. It was long overdue and needed. Only downside is packing for the two of us for three days on a cycle... I got might sick of those jeans!

Cking the blog today - I'm really surprised at how many readers I have. I hope I'm not disappointing anyone! One of my short term goals is to start added more pix. Just haven't had time to download any from the summer. And I have lots....

Another short week - only working two days - then off to Door County with the family. So I'll have two LONG days, but knowing it's a short week makes it all worth it!

laughing

Tons of random thoughts are still running through my head from my reunion...

If there is one thing that stands out, it is laughing. People's laughs really define them. And with some people (Rachel!) it's just such a genuine laugh, it warms your heart.

We did a LOT of laughing this last weekend. So much so that I had absolutely no voice for four days. Today it's becoming a comeback, but still pretty raspy.

Anyway - I have great visuals in my head of people breaking into full blown laughter. SD was keeping everyone on their toes, her energy blasting everyone within 2 ft. Saturday night - I actually laughed so hard a couple of times that I thought I'd pass out from lack of o2.

At the end of the evening, we went to the martini lounge (yes, I'm still in my biker clothes), and sat there reminiscing over the geeky stuff we did in HS, and every story ended up in knee-slapping laughter.

What an amazing thing - to get together after all these years, and have that common ground that lends itself to geniunely enjoying each other's company. I guess it helps to have us to laugh at - we're pretty geeky.

coming out.

This weekend was my coming out party. In a way. It was my twenty year class reunion. I left high school as a brain, a non-drinker, a violin player, an actor, National Honor Society president, blah, blah, blah.

Meeting my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me. My husband is a biker. Not the pedal kind, the motor kind. Harley to be exact. We have an amazing life together enjoying our bike - traveling, getting away. It is by far the best thing that ever came into my life (that wasn't a person).

Back to the reunion. Saturday was a memorial ride for a dear friend of mine - who lost her son to suicide. I knew that if I chose to ride in the ride, I would not only be late for the reunion, but have to go straight there - in my biker clothes.

You have to realize that 90% of my former classmates had no idea that I was a biker. So fashionably late, I walked in - Harley bandana, jeans, and boots. Mixed in with the stilleto heels, the fancy dresses, you name it.

Now I've never really been one to be shy, or introverted, so being the only biker b()&^ there, I wasn't about to become a quiet wallflower. I threw my goggles on my head - and jumped in feet first. I was out. Closet wild woman no more.

segue

Ok, so work sucks. But this weekend I had my twenty year class reunion - and I think I probably have a half dozen blogs that will spew themselves out in the next few days as I reflect....

So sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy the ride!!!

from all directions

i am spinning and problems are flying at me from all directions. work, my husband, my kids, my brothers and sisters. all directions. i don't know which way to turn to avoid them. i want to go away.

friends...

I know how important friends are in my life, and am so happy that my dd has surrounded herself with amazing friends as well. She had 15 kids over for a campfire last night, and many of them peeked in the house to sit and talk with me a bit. I love that. I love that they are comfortable enough as people to sit with an adult and chat. I love that they take time to do that.

She has an amazing circle of friends - from great families - all able to have a good time without the need for alcohol or drugs. They're just good people. And that makes me happy.

random acts...

It's been a rough week. That is an understatement. I had such a rough day at work yesterday I sobbed. That is an understatement. I couldn't imagine having to go back today. I was so upset by what someone suggested to me, I didn't think I could face them today. What they honestly asked me to consider yesterday went against my morals, my values. They didn't ask me to do it, but just the suggestion was enough to make me question so much.

I had meetings all day today - and with the person asking me to make a horrible judgement call. I didn't sleep last night. I didn't eat all day. I actually became completely dehydrated, to the point where I got a migraine partway through the last meeting of the day. The worst meeting of the day.

When I got back from the last meeting, I stopped in HR to talk with the manager - an absolute sweetie. While I was standing there, two of her associates (both dear friends of mine) came over with a bright bouquet of dyed daisies. FOR ME.

They knew I was having a rough week, and knew I needed a pick-me-up. In their words, that's what friends do.

I was so emotional from the horrible week, I instantly began crying. That they would not only think of me, but actually drive downtown to buy me flowers. What an incredible random act of kindness. I hope that they know what it meant to me. I hope that I can find a way to repay them...

7/16/08

It's been SO long since my last post.. I fear I have nothing of inspiration to write about. So I'm hoping that in this moment of rest (it's been a hectic day) I will find that inspiration to keep me going.

It's going to storm today. And much of the weekend. While this can be a bad thing, it will free up a weekend planned for camping and doing yard work. It may actually allow me time to do some scrapbooking.

I haven't done anything creative in weeks. I haven't even been able to work in the gardens for over a week. So maybe a weekend of rest will be good. Even if we do go camping - rain will mean some time to rest and read.

I'll try to find inspiration soon - maybe even re-read my earlier posts - to find some!

independence day?

Fourth of July is big in our little town - a beautiful, small town celebration - with a parade, and carnival, and fireworks. We have had for the last 8 years, a huge party full of friends and family - everyone relaxing under the shade in the yard. It's one of my favorite times of year.

This year was bigger than ever - about 60 friends came off and on throughout the afternoon. It was amazing.

Unfortunately, my DH had to work the night shift, so he had to miss the fireworks. DD was off with her friends, DS was off with his. Which left me on a blanket on the hill missing my DH. I've always been a very independant person, but I didn't realize just how much my family means to me. It was surreal sitting there without them. It just wasn't the same. Is that a sign of a strong family bond? Or am I getting so dependent on them that I can't function as an entity anymore???

one simple word

It's amazing the impact of a single word.

I just went through the drive-thru at the local KFC for lunch. And when handing my order out, the young (MAYBE 18) man said "have a nice day, Miss".

I am constantly called Ma'am.

Hearing "miss" instead made my day.

One of life's Blessings

I was fortunate enough to have been surrounded by good friends this last weekend. A planned visit from one friend and her mom turned into a surprise with the addition of another. While the four of us were shopping I got a call from a high school friend back in town for a visit with her parents, and we made plans for lunch.

I cannot tell you what being surrounded by amazing people does for my soul. I reference back to the book "How full is your bucket". Our souls are buckets. Some people (high maintenance, crooked, coniving) drain our bucket when we interact with them. Others fill that bucket. If you are constantly in situations that drain your bucket, you become counter productive. It's not healthy.

I was surrounded by people all weekend that fill my bucket. No-nonsense, good, kind hearted, no game playing people.

MY BUCKET OVERFLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

capturing the moment...

I am working on a landscaping project. Or should I call it a labor of love? When my mom died two years ago, I was given a flowering crab tree by a dept I work with at work, and two peonies (my mom's favorite) from a close friend. At that time, I had to just plant them. Didn't know what to do.

Last year, I envisioned a round garden surrounding the trio, bordered with blocks, and including some vegetables, some flowers, whatever I want. A working garden, not just a perennial border.

So I have begun. When my dh was ready to plant his tomatoes, we tilled up the circle around the tree and plants, and planted our veggies. I added some flowers. It is now my goal to get the rock finished around it, completing the project, this summer.

Saturday we purchased the block, and I laid about 20 (128 total.) Sunday didn't have a lot of time to work on it, but I got the first quarter of them completed. At first I was going to try to rush and get it done before my company comes this weekend, but then I decided that I really want to experience the process. And last night was a perfect example.

DH was working on his Harley, son helping him, and dd mowing lawn. I sat at the edge of my new garden taking it all in. The peonies are just beginning to bloom. While most are almost finished, mine held out so that I could enjoy them while I work the garden. The vegetables look amazing, as do the flowers, thanks to the rain we've had. I stared at all the block I'd laid to that point and reveled in the look. It's exactly what I wanted. The lawn mower hummed in the background.

After dinner I returned to the garden to lay a few more block. This time, it was quiet. As I dug, and laid sand, and leveled block, I listened to the frogs, the birds, and the insects. I marveled at just how quiet our neighborhood is. I love where I live. I always have. But it is moments like this that I realized it most.

I love having my mom garden. I bought a beautiful stone, and am looking for a bench. It will be my place to connect with her. Heck, it already is - I know she's there with me while I work.

frustration is setting in....

I am tired of being a martyr. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. It seems like everywhere in my life I find myself being used, and I have no backbone to stop it.

Obviously, my family situation is one. I was told that my oldest sister was coming to see Dad yesterday, so I "took the day off". I didn't need to worry about him at lunch. When he called me confused at 1:30, I grew concerned, because she should have been there. When I contacted her daughter, I was told she'd left at one. So dad didn't have anyone there to make him lunch. I'm sure he ate a sandwich, but that is NOT the point. And neither of my sisters that are POA have mentioned anything about moving dad to a home. Of course not - why should they? I take care of him now for free. They do not at all take into consideration my life, or my dads.

And there is a ton of stuff going on at work, where I've sacrificed my family vacation, my summer, etc., and now I've asked for something in return and miraculously no one can help me out when I need it.

I guess I'm just feeling like everyone is happy to ask me for things, to take from me, but no one is ever willing to sacrifice for me.

Just wallowing in self pity. But this is my journal, it's the only place I can do it, because I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself.

being married...

I actually started writing twice today, because I feel it's been a long time and yet I didn't quite know what to write.

Today is one of those days when I cherish being married to my dh. He picked me up after work for a meeting with our financial advisor, to go over our annual summary and update our holdings. Nothing fun. But it's great to see him get excited over it. It's a great game to him, and I love that he enjoys it.

After we were done, we went to a local bar - Coyotes - a hard rock bar - to have a few beers. It's been awhile since we took time just to talk, and it was awesome. That is one of the reasons I love him. We could talk forever. It was just a great time. Just us time. We talked about summer plans, the economy, the future. All kinds of stuff. And I love it. I love him. But anyone who knows me knows that.

I think he and I fall more and more in love every year. It just keeps getting better!

a letter to my brothers and sisters...

I wish that I had the backbone to write a letter to my five brothers and sisters. But I don't. So here it is.

Dearest brothers and sisters.
It's been two years now since we lost mom, and it saddens me to think of what that did to our family. Some of you I've not spoken to since. Others are divided. Life is too short for this.

I'm not sure if any of you realize what's going on here at home. Dad isn't well. Hasn't had a good day in months, meaning a day when he remembered what the year was, or that mom was gone. Every day when I visit him at lunch he asks about mom. Every visit, I have to retell the details of her final weeks. I have not been able to stop reliving that moment. How about you?

There are days when dad doesn't know much of anything.

One day, when I showed up he thought I was his sister. When I realized he was confused, I started asking him questions. In his mind, I didn't exist. He only had five children. And talking about it made him upset, so I had to let him believe it. Have any of you ever felt that?

This week has been horrible. On Monday he called me three times at work, leaving no message. So I called him, and realized that he was confused. I took time off work to go see him. He was so scared. He didn't know why he was sitting alone in someone's house. He didn't know it was his home of 35 years. He didn't know what town he was in. And he was so scared. I stayed with him for an hour, until he started remembering.

At six oclock that night, I got a call from the funeral home. He'd called them to tell them his wife had died, and was at st. jo's. When they called him back, he acted like she was alive and would be back in the morning. So I rushed back to town with the kids to stay with dad until he went to bed.

The next morning I took time off work to ck on him. I didn't know what I'd find when I got there. Do you know what that is like? I got FOUR calls from him yesterday. Just not knowing what is going on. My heart stops every time the phone rings. Do you know what that is like?

It must be easy putting all this out of your minds being separated from reality. So I hope that this lets you know just how bad reality is. And that it IS reality. It's happening every day here. For both dad and me.

sweet sixteen

So I survived my dd's sweet sixteen party. 30+ teenagers - all really good kids. Not a single incident. All of them were really awesome, talking to me as well. Respectful, thankful. I really must say she's surrounding herself with great people.

She is very very much like me. I see it more and more. I sincerely hope that is a good thing. I've done some pretty stupid stuff in my life. :-)

It's just so good to see her with all of those wonderful people. Because of course I think she's wonderful and amazing, and it's good to see that others do also.

not getting to say goodbye

I heard from a friend today that a very close mutual friend of ours has moved away. This friend was one of those really amazing people, who I find in my dreams, in my thoughts, in things I see around me. This friend has changed my life forever, in the things said during our long talks about how my family treats me, how people take advantage of me, how I don't take time for myself. This friend opened my eyes to so many things.

I knew they would move. Downsizing of a job made that inevitable. I've not spoken with this friend in literally months, as preparations began, so I didn't realize just how real the move was. Until today. And now, this friend is gone. I doubt I will ever see this friend again. And that hurts more than anyone can know (except for one person).

This friend was taken out of my daily life by a manipulative person, someone who had no regard for others around them. And now, this friend has been taken away - across the country - by corporate downsizing.

I know that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. What I don't get is why they have to leave.

DC here we COME!

Last night my DD and I signed up for a trip to Washington DC next spring break - through school. She is a history buff, planning on teaching history, so this is a great opportunity.

The wierd twist...

I'm an aspiring writer... and years ago, before I met my DH, and I was a single mom, I began to write a novel. In that novel, I surprised my graduating daughter with a trip to DC. I may have to dig that out and finish it...

a big month

My daughter has a big month ahead of her.

On Thursday, she leaves for three days at state track.

She just began off season workouts after being picked for varsity basketball.

She gets her braces off in a week. After almost two years, she will be metal free. Her smile back to (normal?).

On June 6th, we are having her Sweet Sixteen - a bbq with her 50 (closest?) friends..

On June 10th, she turns 16 officially.

On June 17th, she takes her first shot at getting her driver's license.

And all of this she takes in stride. She is the most amazing young lady. While I see the occassional roll of the eyes, she really has blossomed into an awesome woman. We are so ridiculously Blessed and proud of her.

And we look forward to celebrating all that she has become this month, and all she has ahead of her.

chicago..

I am back - only for a day - then off to camp for a long holiday weekend.
But I must comment on the amazing trip I had this week.
Six of us from work - from four different jobs - went to Chicago for the All Candy Expo trade show. I've never done a trade show like this - and was wow'd for a first one!
The show itself was amazing, but what struck me most was the wonderful way all six of us worked (and played) together. Those five women were the best - couldn't have asked for a better group to travel with. And we're all SO exicted coming back with new ideas!
Honestly - to watch everyone work their own job/angle, asking questions, looking at products. It was just an awesome opportunity - I'm completely refreshed here at work. It was great.

Off to camp for the three day weekend. Should be fun!
be safe

another manic monday

anyone singing right now? i am!
yes, it's another monday. I have to travel to chicago tomorrow - not returning until late thur night - so i'm frantically trying to get an entire week's worth of work done in one day. won't be an 8 hour day, that's for sure.

i have a cold. got it from my dh. and it's a doozy. just in time for chicago. eyes are watering, nose is running. i'm really pretty. :-)

went camping this weekend - at a place with an indoor water park. my pecs are TOTALLY wore out from the lazy river. i'm such a girl.

summer is right around the corner, as is my dd's sweet 16. we're having a big party (anyone who knows me is nodding right now), a bbq in the back yard. i have a lot of work to do! honestly, I have three weeks, and that is it. i've purchased most of the decorations, but many have to be "assembled" in my true martha stewart fashion. we also have to figure out what to give her...

ds's bday was last week, and he has yet to have a party. can't figure out when to do that. probably need to get on that, huh? i'm hoping he picks bowling. i'll write the check, and they can do it all!

well, being i only have 4 more scheduled hours here, and a LOT to get done, i better scat. i'll write more after chicago, where i'll be whined and dined by the likes of the Jelly Belly corp at their reception. should be a lot of fun.

catching up

Friday May 9th. It was two years since my mom died. I stopped at the grave on the way to work. It's ridiculous how much I miss her. Being 38, there are a lot of things I'd be asking her right now...

Kind of freaky thing happened - went to a new salon to get my hair cut at noon, sat next to a chatty older lady. We talked away until she looked at me, stopped, and asked what my name was. She then smiled. "You're Maxine's daughter. Maxine was a wonderful lady." It made me smile. Mom sent her to give me a smile.

Stopped after work to put fresh flowers on the grave. They still look nice today.

Had a wine tasting party Friday night - in conjunction with a jewelry party. Wow, we partied like we were in college. Drinking wine from the bottle around the campfire until 1:30 am~ and the house LOOKED like we partied like we were in college.. .But so much fun. Man, we had fun.

Saturday night got the greatest surprise. It was 9:30, and I was alone on the couch watching tv. Kids and DH were in bed. I was just relaxing. It had been a busy two days. All of a sudden the phone rang. On of my BFF (:-) from Nebraska - just to ck in on me. We had the greatest talk. I needed it SO bad. And she knew. Things like that are reminders of all the Blessings in my life.

Mother's day was Sunday - took the kids to my sister's for her daughter's confirmation. It was good to be with her that day. After Ken went to work, the kids and I went bumming - shopping - etc. then came home and played board games. Perfect mother's day.

A few reflections:
At 2pm on Sunday, neither of my sister's kids had told her happy mother's day. nothing. Mine had both said it first thing (ds wasn't even out of bed), and both gave me wonderful homemade gifts. I'm so Blessed by them.

I am working on focusing on my family - and doing well so far. Ignored a phone message to call someone on sunday so that the kids and I could continue playing Caddoo. It was good. We played games for hours. We need that.

I really am Blessed. Having my mom back might make it better, but I think a lot of what has happened in the last two years to get me to this point are because I lost her. In the end we know everything is for a reason....

Daily Blessings

I have a book of bedtime Blessings I read each night and one for Blessings to start the day. Positive notes to begin my day and begin my dreams with.

Today's morning note put my mind at ease for giving up the job at Church. It said that everything I do has a purpose, be it changing a diaper, giving a speech, or closing a deal, and that all purposes when done for the right reasons serve God. I realize that I am serving God in doing all that I do - taking care of Dad, doing fundraising at work, or even just being a mom.

I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that today.

My faith and FAMILY

So I've been concentrating on my Faith. On Sunday I handed over the treasurer's books. It may seem strange that concentrating on my Faith involves getting RID of responsibilities at church. But I was feeling that church had become a job, not a spiritual center for me, and I NEED that spiritual center. At 1pm Sunday a huge burden was lifted off my back, and the freedom I feel is unbelievable.

I have spent time before bed in devotion. Nothing fancy, just reading a bit, going to bed with Christ in my thoughts rather than all the things going on in my life. It takes 7 weeks to make something become a habit... so we'll see.

The next thing I need to focus on is my FAMILY.

I've done a lot in the past two years to focus on my family. My core - Ken and the kids - that is. I've realized that I have only two years before Allie is off to college. And that is a scary yet exciting thing to realize. I'm so excited for her to be growing into the amazing young woman she is, but on the other hand, I can't imagine life every day without her in it. It's a double edged sword. So I want to create more time with both kids and with Ken. Time is priceless. It is immeasurable.

Faith

The first area I need to attack in my life is my Faith. I found my Faith around the age of 14. I was in confirmation class. My family didn't go to church much. My mom and I went 4-5 times a year at best. But I had an amazing Pastor for my confirmation. And through his guidance, and deep introspection, I found my relationship with Christ. At that point, Faith became a major part of my life.

I went to a Christian college. While there, I was part of the chapel group, Bible studies, and my life in general was Faith based. I was by no means perfect, but it was still there. It was my Faith at that time that allowed me to find forgiveness for my alcoholic father.

After marriage, I became active in church - holding positions from sunday school teacher to treasurer. I found recently that my position as treasurer, extremely demanding, had actually started distracting me from my true Faith. I was getting angry at all the time I needed to spend on it. I was getting angry for falling behind, for letting people down. And it spiralled out of control. So on my birthday I resigned. It was a tough decision. I've only had the position for two years. But I knew that it was starting to pull me from my Faith, and without that I am nothing.

I had a great conversation with our Pastor today. He found out I resigned, and he talked me through my questioning my decision. He's an amazing Pastor - someone I can talk to earnestly. He's helping me refocus. He's reaffirmed my need to reconnect. He's listened.

My goal in fixing this aspect of my life is to include at least 15 minutes of meditation in each day. I want to begin my women's bible devotion book. I want to really focus on my Faithbook. And today's talk with Pastor Tom was a great beginning.

what's in a card?

I recently turned 38. For my birthday, I received wonderful notes from SO many good friends - all over the country. What struck me this year was how each of those cards truly represented the friend sending it, and the relationship I have with them.

Karen-her card was a beautiful photo of a coffee cup, perfect from my coffee clutch buddy, whom I share a love of java with.
Ginny - sent a goofy card about how "cool" we looked back in the day, and it brought back memories of goofy photos in cow slippers...
Tim - his card had a black and white photo of two girlfriends - from maybe the fifties. goofy, but his comment about the girls being Sarah and I, and he behind the camera as photographer completely described our childhood.

I just hope that everyone who takes the time to pick out a card, and send it, knows that they really do mean a lot to me.

What makes MISSY?

My first step is to map out those areas of my life that are important to me. What makes me tick? What gets me going?

Faith - throughout my life, as long as I've been in control, my Faith is the cornerstone. As of late, that has been in question, and I need to return it to being a part of EVERY day.

Family - Obviously, my family is the center of my earthly existence. Ken and the kids first, then my parents and siblings, then Ken's family. I need to nourish all family relationships, each in its own way.

Health - both emotional and physical. I've been working piece by piece on both of these, and honestly, without good health (both) I'm no good to anyone.

Friends - I have a core of amazing friends (many who read this - yes YOU!), who I need to concentrate on. The deserve that from me. I owe that to them.

Hobbies - I have several hobbies and interests that I need to grow. I've lost that part of who I am, and I need to regain that part of me.

Work - I take great pride in my work. I love my work. I need to focus 100% while AT work, and bring 0% work home with me.

I think that's it. That, is who I am. Or who I was, and who I will be again. Next up, I'll break each out into its importance in my life, and how I am going to get it back!

needing direction...

I have figured out that I am in need of direction... I've been floating without true vision, passion, and direction since mid 06. Losing my mom had a much more lasting effect than I would have ever thought. So it needs to by my goal to FIND that direction. Determine those things most important to me, and determine what I need to do in my life to make them happen.

So this is the first in a series on me, getting "my groove on", finding that direction....

Buckle your seat belts and hang on - it's going to be a WILD ride!

greys

I love Grey's Anatomy. Yesterday was the first new episode (not a bad thing for my bday). And I loved it. Had my morning chat with my bf on the way to work this morning, and it cracked us both up. I love that show!

Had two wonderful surprises last night - phone calls from a dear friend, and my closest sister. Very nice surprise.

I gave my resignation to the church president - asking him to find a replacement for me as treasurer. It's a job that has caused great stress in my life, and my Faith is so critical to my well being that I don't want anything tainting it in my life. I decided that the job wasn't for me, and I've asked him to begin looking. I'm sure it will be months before someone is found and trained, but just knowing I've said that to him helps.

Time to hit the books. Work is calling. But it's Friday.

signs

April 24th, 2008. My 38th birthday. Happy Birthday to me!



Strange day. Started at 4:30 am. My inlaws (who, after some not so great years have become such an amazing Blessing in my life!), took our family out for breakfast before work/school, to celbrate my DH's and my birthdays. We had a great breakfast. Fun way to start the day.

Had meetings literally from 7-12 (every other thur - the curse of middle management), all of which also included my boss, and three of my peer managers (all men). Not sure how I ended up having THAT for a birthday - but they've teased me all day.

I got many well wishes from coworkers and friends, nice day to be thought of.

But I'm in a horrible low in my life right now, ridiculously emotional. Not such a joyous time in my life right now, so I'm really not into celebrating.



I took a big muffin to my dad's at lunch. We had cheddarwurst and peas, sitting at the kitchen table chatting. He felt bad he didn't know it was my birthday. (He doesn't know what he's said 5 minutes before, or even the fact that my mother has been gone two years. Cracked me up that he felt bad.) It was a nice lunch. Of course the main thing missing was my mom. It was two years ago today that I took her to the hospital, and she never made it home. So each year it's hard. I miss her as much today as I did then.



It is raining today. I went to the park on the way back to work, parked where mom and I used to go to talk. I think the rain is her. I think she wants me to know that she misses me too. I can't believe how much I still miss her. I would give anything just to be able to chat. To tell her about what's going on. To tell her the goofy William stories. To show her pictures of Allie in her prom dress. At the park I told mom how I wished she was here, how I wished I could see her...



Luckily I have an office with a door. I got back from lunch and had a gift from one of my workers - which included a candle called "angel wings". This woman doesn't know my mom's angel beliefs. She has no idea.



So the best birthday gift of all? The rain and the candle - my two gifts from mom.

birthdays

I was up late last night making homemade cards for a fundraiser. Seems all my days are based around fundraisers these days. Could be worse things I guess. Sex in the City came on. Probably my all time favorite show. I own the entire series. And they were two of my favorite episodes.

I like to think that deep down I am Carrie. The first episode last night was the birthday episode where no one shows up at her birthday dinner. Ironic, in that my birthday is Thur. They all have their reasons - traffic, wrong place, etc. But she sits there, alone, realizing just how alone she is. I can completely empathize with her. I lost my mom in 06, and with that, much contact with my family. I guess Mom was the glue keeping us in contact... I lost my best friend to another city in 07. I miss her ridiculously. I lost my store to the greed of others. And I feel like I'm losing my identity.

The second episode was the one where Carrie is asked to be a runway model, and she trips - becoming "runway roadkill". She lies there a moment, and decides not to slither away, but to get back on her feet and shake it off. And I feel like that is what I need to do right now. I'm going through some issues, and I need to hold my head high, and shake it off. I hope that I can do as well as she did.

It's amazing how watching shows I've seen literally dozens of times before can make you feel good. Say the right thing, just when you need it. I guess all I really need for my birthday is a good bottle of wine and a night to watch Sex in the City. My needs as I continue to age change, they evolve, but into much more meaningful things.

April 21, 2008

First one without a great title. Probably because I have no idea what will come from my brain....

I have a lot going on right now. Mentally I'm really pushed, well beyond anywhere I've been before. And that scares me. I am sleeping SO much, but at the wrong times. I'm emotional. I'm falling behind everywhere. And I've not been taking the time to get to church, which I know only compounds the problem.

This Thursday marks two years since the day I took my mom to the ER. She would never leave the hospital. It was my 36th birthday. It's amazing how the last two years have flown by. The routine that I've fallen into. Going to dad's to take out garbage, do the laundry, make him lunch. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder what it will be like for me when I don't have that responsibility. Since I've moved back here (going on 16 years) I've been taking care of my parents - only dad these last two though. I don't want to know what life will be like after that need is gone.

There are so many things that I need to do. I am not taking care of myself. I'm putting so many other things first, and I'm suffering because of it. I know that if I was in a better place emotionally so much would change. But I don't know how to get there.

So I just go on. I keep playing this game of charades. I keep tricking people into thinking that everything is fine, the same as always. They don't know the difference and I don't WANT them to know the difference. Because then I would appear weak. I don't DO weak. I am the strong one, taking care of everything. That's how it's always been .

Wow, I'm rambling this morning. Must be a monday. I stayed up late last night, because I took a nap yesterday afternoon. So this morning I feel crummy, almost hung over, from lack of sleep. I can't do that like I used to!

I'm off to start another week. One filled with fundraiser responsibilities, church meetings, and a hubby on 3-11, leaving me to do it all by myself. Because I am the strong one.

my ginny

All of us have amazing people in our lives. If we're lucky, those people stay with us for our entire lives. I have been incredibly Blessed to have many, many such people in my life. One of those people is Ginny. Ginny is a one of a kind person and friend who unfortunately lives 500 miles away.

The other day I was discussing scrapbooking with a friend at work. Someone who I've only gotten to know really well in the last six months, because of a move to our building. While we were talking, she made a comment, with a smile, and I realized I had found a Wisconsin version of my Ginny! I hadn't put the two together before, and now, every time I see and talk to her, I see a bit of Ginny.

What a nice treat.

surreal

there i was. sitting by myself, crammed in with hundreds of others in a small town funeral home. ken wasn't with me because the men were standing so the women could sit. there were people standing in every nook and cranny, out the hallway and in the back room.

the service was for ken's cousin's husband. an amazing man, father, husband, who was taken too early at the age of 50. his older sister spoke. his nephew spoke. and then his 16 year old son spoke. logan was so strong to stand up there and talk about his dad.

all at once, the chaplain sat down, and a woman stood. she began to sing amazing grace. accapella. just pure and beautiful. simply done, not forced. the sound of that song, sitting by myself, on that day, will forever stay with me. the reality will stay with me.

spring...

A dear friend of mine also blogs - and her blog this last weekend was about spring arriving. This morning I woke up to an inch of new snow - yes, it's April 9th, and it's been snowing since October. I have NEVER in my lifetime known a winter like this!

I have wonderful plans this weekend - scrapbooking with my best friend, who moved away a year ago. A true girlfriends weekend - just the two of us at a retreat in her new hometown. We are VERY excited. I leave at noon tomorrow - for an extended weekend away, just what the doctor ordered! I've been stressed, and frustrated, and in a funk. Hopefully this will renew me!

I've packed like a true addict - enough pictures and supplies for 150 pages (half of what I did in all of 2007!). I crack myself up. I'm a fast cropper, but that is ridiculous. My hope is to finish our big road trip last year on Route 66 - - - I'm only to Missouri (day three)..... it was a two week road trip!

So I start this hump day with bright expectations for the weekend, and a LONG to do list of what needs to be done before I go! Better hop to it!

it's all relative...

it's been a long winter. there are disagreements about as to when winter began. some say the snow started in october, some in november. regardless, it's been a long winter. yesterday was april 7th and it snowed. there are still huge piles of snow everywhere. my yard is done, which is nice, but the reminders of this snowy winter are still all around.

i was struck by the relativity of temperature when i got out of my car at work this morning. i never even gave a second thought to wearing a coat today. i haven't all week. no reason to. it's warmed up and the winter coats are no longer needed.

it was 34 degrees when i arrived at work. not balmy by any means. but at this time of year, after six months of winter like weather, it feels like summer. the same 34 degrees in october would mean winter coat, hat, and gloves....

because it's all relative, now isn't it?

reality check

DH's cousin died this weekend, 51, from a massive heart attack. His lifestyle didn't help matters I'm sure, sedentary, ran a bar. But it's still so scary - he's not much older than my DH. While we are active - taking walks, camping, cutting wood, gardening, etc., but we're both overweight - and could do much on that.

I guess I'll take this as a reality check - and get serious about our health.

a martha stewart staff

I figured out my problem. The answer to my life issues. I need a Martha Stewart Staff.

Think about it. All I'd have to do is come up with the majority of the great ideas. THEY would do all the work!

I'm coming up with great ideas all the time, but I run out of time to get them all done. I want to create altered journals for my book club. Supplies are bought. We're on our fourth book. I still haven't done it. I want to make these incredible invites for my dd sweet sixteen party. Have the idea. But they're not done. I have gifts to put together for two friends who've had babies in the last year. By the time they get them, they'll be in college. I want to create a health journal scrapbook. I want to finish writing my short story. I want to play my violin in church. The list goes on and on. And I'm not even talking about my house and gardens!

I am not enough person. I need more. I need a staff. I could do such great things if I only had a staff!

proud mom

Yesterday my dear darling daughter brought home a short story she wrote for school. She'd won 2nd place. It was a great story. I see a lot of my writing in her. She is great at using her grammer to create a style for the piece. She creates amazing imagery with her words. I am so proud....

on expectations

Today was a great day at work. Started out with a great email from a coworker about one of my workers. Then, I got a GREAT review and a substantial raise! A surprise, none-the-less. I waited all day to call my DH and let him know the great news.

When I finally reached him around 2pm, he had very little to say. Made a joke about quitting his job because I was making more than him. That was it. I fell silent. All I needed was a "great job" or a "Wow, that's great - you have worked hard and it's paying off", or SOMETHING.

I'm not sure why I didn't get it.

I know that deep down, he's traditional, and maybe it's hard for him to have a successful wife. But spending the money is never hard.

He yells at me for working over time - telling me that I'm only getting paid for 40 hours, why do I push myself so hard. Now, when it's paying off, he won't even acknowledge that it's worth it.

I'm emotionally devastated. I try very hard to do a good job at work, and am finally getting noted for it, and the ONLY person I can actually tell doesn't care.

Bristol Baby.....

I just returned from a trip to Bristol, TN, with my DH and four friends. We watched the NASCAR race there, camped, and just had fun. A little bit of rain (ok, a lot of rain), but still very fun.

Getting back from vacation I always feel like I shouldn't have gone in the first place. It's very frustrating. Nothing got done while we were gone - at home, with my dad, or at work. I worked my butt off yesterday just trying to get the fires put out. Dad was out of clean underwear. That was the worst. My family knew I was going to be gone for a week, and they showed up the day after I left, and that was it. So Dad was on his own for 6 days. Why they even bother, I don't know.

Work is ridiculous. It seems no one can move without an ok from me. And if they do, they do it wrong. People who've worked here for years seem to not know how to proceed once I leave. It drives me crazy.

At home, a valve broke off our water line yesterday, spraying water everwhere, so Ken had to spend all day yesterday on that. So nothing else got done.

I am so tired. I am so behind. I can't do it all anymore. But no one seems to notice. They just keep taking, and asking, and assuming. I get no help from anyone. And I'm done. I feel like I'm being punished for taking a week off. I know that sounds weird, but it's exactly how I feel.

I guess I'm still in the funk.

he's gone...

So Brett Favre has retired. Non Packer fans are probably not so affected. But for those of us (37 years and counting) lifelong Packer fans, the last 17 years have been a lot... a lot of fun.... a lot of heartache at times... a lot of ups and downs.... but mostly a lot of fun.

Brett Favre loves the game of football. And watching him play is amazing. There is a generation that has never known the Packers any other way than the Brett Favre way! My two dear children have watched him, and only him, lead our faithful Packers through the last 17 years.

We all need to thank Brett. While being human (addiction, some wild times when younger, going through the devastation of Katrina and his wife's cancer), he has brought a great role model to so many kids. He's returned a love for the game to many. He's brought the Packers back to a great place.

But we are all also looking forward to the new year ahead. Congratulations to Brett, and good luck to a very young team in the Packers.

little changes

I've learned that little changes can make a huge impact. About a year ago, I decided it was time to take my life back - and I'm doing it piece by piece.

There are so many aspects to me. Things that I enjoy doing, hobbies, passions. And over the years, small bits and pieces have been lost. But I'm very consciously trying to bring some of those pieces back into my life, while not overwhelming myself.

I play the violin. I love the violin. After the birth of my second child, I quit the amateur symphony I played in, and my violin went under the bed. Well, I went to the store and bought some fun pieces that I can play - just to play. While I still don't have time to commit to every Thur night and concerts, there is no reason why I shouldn't be playing for myself!

I enjoy writing. That's why I started this blog. I started a book years ago. Might dig it out one day, but that has probably "expired". So I've started writing regular columns in our company newsletter and our church newsletter. Nothing big, but a place I get to be creative and keep my writing alive...

I love reading. So I started a book club. Don't have a lot of spare time, so I started one at work, where we meet once a month on our lunch hour. We're there anyway. It's a great reason to pick up books I normally wouldn't know about, and enjoy good conversation with coworkers that I normally don't interact with a lot.

I need to remember these things. I have a tendency to get down on myself. These things are all steps I've taken to try to regain my identity. One step at a time.

the funk

Good title, isn't it?

I'm not sure if this is a midlife thing, or cabin fever (it has been snowing for five months now), or what. But I'm in the funk. I'm just not me.

My best friend moved away a year ago. (Sound like I'm in high school, eh?) I just assumed it would be easier by now. But I still miss her. I think the reason is she worked with me, and I saw her every day. She was my release person. She kept me grounded. She let me vent. Without her, it all just builds up.....

I've been doing well at work - getting a lot of things accomplished. Then today I got knocked down - TWICE. First, I was pulled from the Chicago show due to budget cuts. Totally bummed out. THEN, my boss called me in to his office and asked me to fill out a check request for him. Something either he should do himself, or have his AA do. I'm a manager. I'm pretty sure he would never ask any of the other managers (all men) to do it. What a slap in the face.

And the people around here are still horrible. Everyone is pointing fingers, being political. I feel like to get anything done I have to pull hair.... It's ridiculous. We can't just all work together for the common goal. We can't just get the job done. It's meeting after meeting of everyone accusing, pointing fingers, and shoving blame.

I need to give myself the "I am woman..." speech. I need to remember just how amazing I can be. But it's so hard some days. I trudge on - up early doing laundry and getting the kids ready for school. Early to work, Late to leave. Taking care of my dad at lunch, cleaning his house, making dinner, doing laundry. CMN and United Way meetings at night. Church books at night. Cleaning my OWN house, after doing homework and feeding the kids. UGH. I don't know that at 37 I cherish the thought of doing all of this (for the most part) for the next 40 years... I know that the kids will grow up and move out. I know that my dad won't live forever. But I also know that I'll probably have other things going on when those hit the wayside. That's who I am.

But some days I look at others - my DH for instance. He's never felt the push to be an overachiever. He's totally content with going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and then hopping on the computer or watching tv. I'm SO envious of that. I need to get to that place.

So needless to say, I have the funk. I'm out of sorts. It'll all work out, it always does. But for now, I just need to whine.

A bright spot though - a card, out of the blue, for no reason, from one of my bff. thanks, gin. made my night last night!

So long....

It has been SO long. I'm sure some of my faithful readers have given up on me...

Life has become this ridiculously hectic whirlwind that flies by. I don't seem to even have time to breathe. I'm working long hours at work, long hours at home, and seemingly behind on everything. So unfortunately my passion for writing has taken a back seat....

I have had an AHA moment in the last two weeks. I've been SO busy - at work, and at church, and was starting to fall behind. I was getting frustrated, and stressed out, and to that point where I want to just start over. I hate it when I get to that point, but I run on overdrive 90% of of the time, and when I crash, I crash hard. I spent days crying, and sleeping. I was done.

One day at work, I started noticing attitudes on people. Five people in particular. They seemed to be picking apart everything done by anyone - in not only my department, but in others as well. They seemed to be fishing to find a way to point fingers for things not done well.

I don't like being wrong. But when I am, I accept it. If someone in my department messes up, we move on. These five people seem to be trying to find ways to make others look bad. And I knew I'd be a candidate because I was starting to get frantic, getting things done JUST in the nick of time.

On the way home from work that night, I cried. Not unusual at this time. It's how my stress manifests itself. But as I'm crying, I start to get angry. Why should ANY stress get that bad? Why should anyone else be able to make me cry?

Then I remembered back to college - had just broken up with a "boyfriend" if you can call him that. It was interim, and I was in a music class with a bunch of his football buddies. So I made it a point to be looking awesome EVERY day. I wanted him to know that I was just fine. And it worked. I didn't allow the frustration of the situtation to get the best of me.

So I decided that this "killing them with kindness" kind of revenge is the ticket. I stayed late, stayed focused, rallied my department, and have decided that no one will be able to say we're not doing our best. If they find something wrong, we'll already have investigated it and know what happened, and what needs to be done going forward.

And the same with church. I have a big job there - and the woman who gave it up would like nothing more than for me to fail. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. I'm going to work my butt off proving EVERYONE wrong.