the funk

Good title, isn't it?

I'm not sure if this is a midlife thing, or cabin fever (it has been snowing for five months now), or what. But I'm in the funk. I'm just not me.

My best friend moved away a year ago. (Sound like I'm in high school, eh?) I just assumed it would be easier by now. But I still miss her. I think the reason is she worked with me, and I saw her every day. She was my release person. She kept me grounded. She let me vent. Without her, it all just builds up.....

I've been doing well at work - getting a lot of things accomplished. Then today I got knocked down - TWICE. First, I was pulled from the Chicago show due to budget cuts. Totally bummed out. THEN, my boss called me in to his office and asked me to fill out a check request for him. Something either he should do himself, or have his AA do. I'm a manager. I'm pretty sure he would never ask any of the other managers (all men) to do it. What a slap in the face.

And the people around here are still horrible. Everyone is pointing fingers, being political. I feel like to get anything done I have to pull hair.... It's ridiculous. We can't just all work together for the common goal. We can't just get the job done. It's meeting after meeting of everyone accusing, pointing fingers, and shoving blame.

I need to give myself the "I am woman..." speech. I need to remember just how amazing I can be. But it's so hard some days. I trudge on - up early doing laundry and getting the kids ready for school. Early to work, Late to leave. Taking care of my dad at lunch, cleaning his house, making dinner, doing laundry. CMN and United Way meetings at night. Church books at night. Cleaning my OWN house, after doing homework and feeding the kids. UGH. I don't know that at 37 I cherish the thought of doing all of this (for the most part) for the next 40 years... I know that the kids will grow up and move out. I know that my dad won't live forever. But I also know that I'll probably have other things going on when those hit the wayside. That's who I am.

But some days I look at others - my DH for instance. He's never felt the push to be an overachiever. He's totally content with going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and then hopping on the computer or watching tv. I'm SO envious of that. I need to get to that place.

So needless to say, I have the funk. I'm out of sorts. It'll all work out, it always does. But for now, I just need to whine.

A bright spot though - a card, out of the blue, for no reason, from one of my bff. thanks, gin. made my night last night!