April 21, 2008

First one without a great title. Probably because I have no idea what will come from my brain....

I have a lot going on right now. Mentally I'm really pushed, well beyond anywhere I've been before. And that scares me. I am sleeping SO much, but at the wrong times. I'm emotional. I'm falling behind everywhere. And I've not been taking the time to get to church, which I know only compounds the problem.

This Thursday marks two years since the day I took my mom to the ER. She would never leave the hospital. It was my 36th birthday. It's amazing how the last two years have flown by. The routine that I've fallen into. Going to dad's to take out garbage, do the laundry, make him lunch. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder what it will be like for me when I don't have that responsibility. Since I've moved back here (going on 16 years) I've been taking care of my parents - only dad these last two though. I don't want to know what life will be like after that need is gone.

There are so many things that I need to do. I am not taking care of myself. I'm putting so many other things first, and I'm suffering because of it. I know that if I was in a better place emotionally so much would change. But I don't know how to get there.

So I just go on. I keep playing this game of charades. I keep tricking people into thinking that everything is fine, the same as always. They don't know the difference and I don't WANT them to know the difference. Because then I would appear weak. I don't DO weak. I am the strong one, taking care of everything. That's how it's always been .

Wow, I'm rambling this morning. Must be a monday. I stayed up late last night, because I took a nap yesterday afternoon. So this morning I feel crummy, almost hung over, from lack of sleep. I can't do that like I used to!

I'm off to start another week. One filled with fundraiser responsibilities, church meetings, and a hubby on 3-11, leaving me to do it all by myself. Because I am the strong one.