a letter to my brothers and sisters...

I wish that I had the backbone to write a letter to my five brothers and sisters. But I don't. So here it is.

Dearest brothers and sisters.
It's been two years now since we lost mom, and it saddens me to think of what that did to our family. Some of you I've not spoken to since. Others are divided. Life is too short for this.

I'm not sure if any of you realize what's going on here at home. Dad isn't well. Hasn't had a good day in months, meaning a day when he remembered what the year was, or that mom was gone. Every day when I visit him at lunch he asks about mom. Every visit, I have to retell the details of her final weeks. I have not been able to stop reliving that moment. How about you?

There are days when dad doesn't know much of anything.

One day, when I showed up he thought I was his sister. When I realized he was confused, I started asking him questions. In his mind, I didn't exist. He only had five children. And talking about it made him upset, so I had to let him believe it. Have any of you ever felt that?

This week has been horrible. On Monday he called me three times at work, leaving no message. So I called him, and realized that he was confused. I took time off work to go see him. He was so scared. He didn't know why he was sitting alone in someone's house. He didn't know it was his home of 35 years. He didn't know what town he was in. And he was so scared. I stayed with him for an hour, until he started remembering.

At six oclock that night, I got a call from the funeral home. He'd called them to tell them his wife had died, and was at st. jo's. When they called him back, he acted like she was alive and would be back in the morning. So I rushed back to town with the kids to stay with dad until he went to bed.

The next morning I took time off work to ck on him. I didn't know what I'd find when I got there. Do you know what that is like? I got FOUR calls from him yesterday. Just not knowing what is going on. My heart stops every time the phone rings. Do you know what that is like?

It must be easy putting all this out of your minds being separated from reality. So I hope that this lets you know just how bad reality is. And that it IS reality. It's happening every day here. For both dad and me.