where to begin...

I have so many random thoughts running through my head, I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday we moved my dad to the VA hospital. With his dimentia, we knew that it would be hard to get him to understand. So to get him there, we had to lie. That is one of worst feelings in the world. Lying to a parent. Deceiving them. Tricking them.

So Dad thought we were going for a drive - to ck out the home. He had no idea he was being moved there. How I wished it had been just a nice drive. We had a great ride - over an hour - beautiful fall colors - clear blue sky - but I was sick to my stomach knowing what was waiting for us.

And it was the worst case I could have imagined. Once we got there, we explained to him what we were doing, and he got so angry. He screamed at us, right there in admissions. He asked what he had done to deserve this. He wanted to go home by mom. He had no concept that he'd been alone for 2 years. He didn't understand that he doesn't take care of himself anymore, that we do everything for him. He didn't remember any of the conversations we'd had - or the lists I'd made of all the things they have at the home. He was angry, upset, and sad, all at the same time. And it tore me up. I will never forget the way he looked at me.

The staff took him to his building, while we signed papers. When we got there, he seemed to have forgotten ever being angry. I think he thought he was in a hospital for something? He seemed to like his room mate - he seemed to be ok. Although I don't think he knew this was permanent. When we left, we got hugs and kisses, and he was watching tv with his roommate.

I just got a call. Last night and today didn't go so well. They are moving him to a lock-down floor because he's wandering from room to room - taking soda from another person's fridge. He doesn't have any idea where he is, or where he should be. How I wish it could be me instead of him. I feel horrible for him. To be confused, scared, agitated. I hate that he needs to be moved. I want him to take advantage of all the wonderful things they have to offer. I assumed because he was living alone, that this would be a reason why he could be on the "light care" wing - but it doesn't appear so. Maybe after getting used to it, he can move back. I hope so. I do not want him institutionalized. I feel horrible. I am the one who signed the papers. I am the one who makes the decisions. And it is tearing me up inside.