Major life challenges...

I am getting tired of crying. I am in the process of a major life change - putting my elderly father into a nursing home. He has severe dementia, and some days he's ok with what's going on and other days he's not. Today was one of those "not" days. He knows he needs to leave his house because it's too big. He hasn't realized that he can't take care of himself anymore. I've been prepping him for months, talking about his changes, talking up the veterans home he will be going to. But on days like today, he absolutely gets angry even talking about it.

While I know it's going to be SO good for him, it's SO hard to see him angry. My mother passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then, he's been in that house, by himself. Unable to leave (he can't walk without some assistance), he gets up, makes coffee, eats toast. Watches the news. Does his crosswords. Reads his books. That's about it. He seems so lonely. And I really think that having other veterans to shoot the breeze with will be amazing for him. But today he wanted nothing of it.

And I don't just cry for dad. Selfishly, I cry for myself. The home he will be leaving is the only childhood home I had. We moved there when I was two. I have no memory of the farm at all. For the last sixteen years, on most weekdays, I have spent lunch there. For the first year and a half after returning from Nebraska, my daughter and I lived there. After marrying and moving 20 miles away, I still worked in my home town, and went over there every day to have lunch and chat with my mom. After mom passed away in 2006, my lunches changed from chats to my daily work hour - making dad a hot lunch, doing his shopping, cleaning his house, doing the laundry, etc. And each day we chat - something we never did before. Mom and I were always close, so I just spent lunch chatting with her. Now, I've created that bond with dad, and have heard stories from his time in the service, growing up, having a young family, everything. Something amazing . And I cry every day when I leave, knowing my lunches with dad are numbered. When he moves, he'll be an hour away. The house will get sold. MY home will get sold. It will be the end of a huge chapter in my life. One, that at age 38, I'm not ready to close.