proud...

Yesterday I had one of those "proud mom" moments. It was my DD first day of being a snowboarding instructor. I had to drive her there, and when I watched her in my mirror getting her gear out of the trunk, for her first day at "work", I was overcome with how proud I am of her.

She's turned into this absolutely amazing young woman. And I couldn't be prouder.

the falling snow

I live in Wisconsin. I was born and raised here, left for four years of college, and returned. And I'm one of those people who loves the changing seasons. And yes, I love the snow. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than the morning after a big snow. Winter blue sky, sun shining, and brand new (clean) snow everywhere you look.

We had a great snow a few weeks back, and it's been cold enough to keep it. We LIVE for this. Sledding, snowboarding, making snowmen. It just doesn't get any better. This week was a little warm, and it started to melt. But Saturday fixed all that!

We had our church Christmas program (another blog!) on Saturday, and by the time we left church that night, the snow had begun to fall. And it kept falling......

By Sunday morning, we had about 10 of fresh snow, and another 4-5 fell throughout the day on Sunday. It's JUST BEAUTIFUL. We had the fireplace going, good friends to share the day with, drinking homemade apple pie liquor. The snow just kept falling, and BLOWING. Beautiful drifts, artwork in its own sense.

Today everyone is digging out. It's Christmas Eve, and I hope people arrive wherever they need to go safely. But a White Christmas we will have!

driving..a rite of passage

learning to drive is a rite of passage. not just for the nervous teenager but for the parents.

this last monday, my daughter (oldest) got her temps. in wisconsin, that is a license to learn to drive behind the wheel. her dad and i took her out for breakfast, totally played hookie, and then to get her permit. i knew it was a big day.

i picked her up at practice that night, and she wanted to drive home. there was no reason to say no. i'd never seen her behind the wheel before. as she pulled out from the curb, i started to laugh. now anyone with a teenager daughter would know that this response was not met well by my dd. i didn't know why i was laughing. nerves, maybe. or the humor of the fact that i at 37 am sitting in the passenger side while my dear baby is driving. but probably nerves.

i am trying to supress my giggles, which have now turned into tears. dd is not happy. while she realizes that i'm not doing this intentionally, or maliciousy, she is annoyed.

even through mom's hainous reaction, we make it into the driveway safely. i can breathe at last.

i truly think this driving is a rite of passage for the parents. much more so than the kids.

at the buzzer

Picture if you will. Tuesday night. JV basketball against our biggest rival. We are undefeated going in. The game is going either way by no more than 6 points at any time….

40 seconds to go, we are down by one. THEY have the ball. We foul them, they miss the free throws. THEY get the rebound. We foul them, they miss the free throws, WE get the rebound. Coach calls time out.
14 seconds remain. We inbound to Heather, she misses, WE get the rebound. Coach calls time out.

4.9 seconds remain….. the air is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Our undefeated record on the line. ASSUMPTION on the line. (We don’t like them J)

The coach gives the girls the play. We inbound to Brittany (great shot).
She misses.
ALLIE (DD) AT POST - REBOUNDS, SINKS THE SHOT. THE BUZZER GOES OFF. WE WIN BY ONE POINT!

You would have thought that we won the NCAA national championship. Our side line erupts, the girls run to the court. Every parent should get to see their child go through something like that. It was AWESOME. I have never seen my child be able to do something like that before, and it's a feeling i cannot describe to you.

random thoughts

It's been a long time since i've written, so I decided I needed to take some time to do so. That's the best part of this blog. It's brought my journaling back.

Christmas where I work is hell. We are a fourth quarter company. I have Sundays off, but we're working 6 day weeks, 11-12 hour days. Good, because busy is good at this time of year, but it wears on me. Even more, the older I get. I have found I need more down time, I need more sleep. I've found myself vegging in front of the tv for no apparent reason. I'm aging.

I will say that this is the best Christmas we've had as a family. I've had days with both kids and the dh shopping and looking at all the Christmas stuff. I've baked cookies with friends. I've gone out for drinks. I have several dinner dates - with different friends. I have girlfriends coming over after the basketball game Friday for Irish Coffees. We've been celebrating our families, and our friendships, which is so important.

I heard a song on the radio today - about how 100 years flies by. To live each moment, each breath. How true that is. It is so important to live life. With no regrets. Life is too short.

In the last three weeks, my father in law has been put into a nursing home following a quadruple bypass. His best friend has died of cancer. A friend's father has died. A friend's HUSBAND has died. It is SO important to cherish every day we have on this earth. Life is a gift. A Blessing from God. It needs to be treated that way.

Live life. LOVE life.

A couple of quotes I have on my wall here at work:

*Never confuse having a career with having a life.

*When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness.

*Life is too short to wake up with regrests. So Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

these, my dear friends, are my words for the day.

a fake..

I am a fake. The funny thing is, I don't know anyone who has told me that they've caught on. So I must be a really GOOD fake. I have gotten emails about what an amazing person I am, etc., and my stomach turns. If only people knew the truth.

I am selfish. If people heard the thoughts going on in my head sometimes, they would be appauled.

I do NOT follow through. I am a big talker - offering all kinds of things - but many times completely let someone down because I have too many things going at once. I don't do this on purpose, I just promise like I have Martha Stewart's staff helping me out.

I forget birthdays. And even when I remember birthdays, sometimes I run out of time to send a card or gift.

I'm lazy. Even when I know a ton of things to do there are times when I just don't do them. Like last night, when I should have been doing the church books. I got tired and went to bed. Or I'll do something ELSE like dishes, or Christmas cards. INSTEAD of what I need to do first.

I'm a HORRIBLE procrastinator. HORRIBLE. I do everything at the last minute.

I talk about people. It is my worst fault. I love to gossip. And it's so ridiculously not Christian, that it kills me when I catch myself.

I find myself finding fault with everyone else. It's never my fault. OK, maybe not always, but more now than ever. I hear myself talking sometimes and just cringe. I can find an excuse for anything if I put my mind to it. Sometimes I find myself just saying - sorry, my bad. But many times I twist things to make them someone else's fault, making ME the poor victim.

And the problem is, this is what I see. I don't see the amazing person, or the great friend. I see a fake, who doesn't deserve most things that come to her. I want to scream to the world that I am not who they think I am, but the bad person in me doesn't let me. It keeps up the fascade.

the Lakefront...a story by me

This is a story I wrote - - - wanted to share.
***
Maybe it’s the forbidden that makes us yearn for those things just out of our reach. Maybe it’s the forbidden that makes being close to those things so enticing.
Maybe it’s the forbidden that refreshes us, makes us new again.

I have no idea how the forbidden made it into my life. Or when. It is 10 o’clock in the morning, a Monday morning, and I have found myself driving through the turns of a wooded lake area. Towards the forbidden.

It’s amazing how simple it is. Appointments – with social workers, doctors, and homes, to try and take care of my grandmother. Untraceable. Unreachable. And completely innocent. Believable. Secluded lake house. Far enough to be anonymous. Close enough to go for the afternoon.

All of the thoughts are running through my head as I make the turns, edging closer and closer to the lake house. The conversations - taunting, teasing, and flirting. Some were so completely innocent, and others so completely forbidden. What are my expectations of this? Do I have the control to make this what I truly need and want? What are his expectations? What if they are different?

I feel completely safe with this. I know that he will respect whatever I want or don’t want to do. I don’t know that I feel safe with myself. Will I take things too far? Will he stop me from doing that?

The drive is unbelievable. Vermont at this time of year is an artist’s pallet of color. The trees are all turning, and it’s a perfectly clear crisp afternoon. Early autumn. Crisp, but not too cold. It’s a perfect day.

As I turn into the driveway of the Lake House, the scene is almost surreal. A beautiful lake, sandy beach, clear sky, and a strong breeze. The house is perfect. Wrap around deck, lots of windows.

I knock, but no one answers. Am I at the right place? I try the door, but it’s locked. I wish it was open. I would love to walk in quietly – to find him, unaware of my presence. I wonder what he’s doing? How long has he been here?

He comes to the door with that smile. That infectious smile. The perfect compliment to his intense, dark, eyes. All of a sudden, I realize I am very nervous. My mind is racing with thoughts – questions. Where is this going to go? Where do I want it to go? As he leads me into the kitchen – I can see the great expanse of the house. Oversized couch and chairs fill the living room, which is facing the windows overlooking the deck, the beach, and the lake. With the patio door open, there is an amazing breeze coming in off the lake, filling the house with the crisp, autumn, lake air. The open, airy feeling I would want if I had a house on a lake.

On the counter, he has some rustic bread with balsamic and olive oil. He sits across the counter, and I stand. It’s amazing to me how easy the conversation is. We laugh, we confide.

The conversation changes to the beach. After a tour of the house, he takes me down to the beach. The sand feels amazing on my feet, and the cool breeze is the perfect compliment to the sun beating down on us. We walk along the beach, not far, but enough to take it all in.

The afternoon continues, like an all day massage. The comfort of sitting on the overstuffed couch, chatting about our lives, our aspirations, and our fears. And then, sitting on the deck, feet up, taking in the fresh lake air. Being able to talk about anything that entered our hearts. Being able to be ourselves, with no limits.

Is this the forbidden? Is this wrong? Is this connection going too far?

As quickly as the day began, it is ending. The clock tells the truth, and it is time to go back to reality. To our families, our homes. Taking with us only the memories, the feelings of the afternoon. Hopefully those memories can carry us through, until the next time.

what a week...

Monday night, at 9:22pm, I received a phone call from my mother-in-law. A woman who is always in bed by eight. I knew by the way Allie said "it's Grandma", that something was wrong. She had just gotten back from taken my father-in-law in to the emergency room. He wasn't feeling well, and by the time he arrived, he was having a heart attack. A quadruple bypass was scheduled for 7am the next morning. I told the kids - William cried, as it began bringing back thoughts of my own mother, who died 6 days before Will's 9th birthday. We prayed for Grandpa, and Grandma, and the doctors.

The hardest part was waiting for Ken to come home. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know how to tell him. We stayed awake and talked until after 1am. And we were up at 5 to get ready to go to the hospital. We got the kids up and ready for school early, and were in the waiting room by 6:35. Ralph went into surgery at 7:30, and didn't get done until 3pm. It was a long day in that waiting room.

I've heard of people having bypass. It seems pretty common. But because of all the medical shows on tv, I think it was too easy to picture what was happening. At 10:10 he went on bypass. His heart was basically stopped so they could work on it. A machine was pumping his blood. At that time, they said 2-3 hours. When 1 came and went, as did 2, it became quiet and uncomfortable. But the call came at 2:30 that he was off bypass, and they were closing him up.

Went to see him last night - the surgery had no complications, he's progressing. But it was the first time in critical unit since my mom died there. It's not a place I like to go. It was really hard. And seeing my big, strong, bull-headed father in law laying there unresponsive, with tubes and monitors all over the place, was horrible. I'm really hoping that tonight some of the tubes are gone. I need to get the kids up there, especially for Ralph. He lives for his grandkids and seeing them will be just what he needs after what he's been through.

We all have a long road ahead.

I don't know where to start. I just returned from taking lunch at my dad's. Since mom died a year and a half ago, I visit him 3-4 times a week to make him something hot for lunch, check on his grocery status, and pick up the house. He doesn't really mess up much, and I have it down to a science. Spot mopping, cleaning the bathroom, laundry, dishes. That's about it.

My family - or should I qualify - PART of my family - spent Thanksgiving at Dad's house. I say PART because since Mom's death, the family has been split in two. I actually am sort of in the middle - only one brother doesn't speak to me. But there are two sisters on one side and a sister and brother on the other. I was not invited to anyone's house for Thanksgiving, which is fine - we planned on doing Ken's family - but not even a mention. The one brother had asked me to come in for coffee before heading to the inlaws. So we did, chatted with the family that was there. Not that I'd been invited to dinner. That was all planned between three of them. I heard through the grapevine that the other sisters both went to inlaws.

ANYWAY. (I digress.)

I stopped to pick up milk for Dad, figuring he would be low as I hadn't been there since Thursday morning. (A long time for me.) I walked in and the house was a pig stye. The floor looked like it hadn't been mopped in months even though on Wednesday, it was clean. THere was a huge platter of turkey (no one bothered to put it in tupperware, freeze any, or even take it off the bone) in the fridge. The garbage can was full. There were dirty aluminum pans in the recycling (they have to be washed first), and tons of empty wine and beer bottles.

OK. HERE IS WHY I AM ANGRY.
1) They come into this house, a house that I am taking care of for my dad, and trash the place. They don't help by cleaning it, they don't even leave it as clean as it was when they arrived. They leave a ton of work for ME to do, as if I'm not doing enough.
2) They have the gall to come in and drink around my dad - in HUGE quanities - even though he's a dry alcoholic, who ruined all of our early lives by being a mean drunk.

I cannot believe that this is MY family. That they can be this inconsiderate. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and honestly, I'm numb.

Christmas

Friday night I sat in my workshop, wrapping presents and writing holiday cards, watching my favorite holiday movie of all time - White Christmas. I love watching that show. I'm a sap for old movies. This is my favorite. I didn't even dig out the DVD, it was actually on tv. What a treat. I am really trying to do the things I love this season. Work is getting SO hectic and unbearable. So I'm focusing on our family, my kids, and the traditions.

Today the kids and I went shopping. We went from store to store. Not buying a lot, but enjoying the time. Found a few great gifts too, and I even let the kids buy themselves a couple of treats for having all their shopping done early. Sat and had a long enjoyable lunch. Got coffees at Starbucks to enjoy on the way home (not Will!)

Got home, put out a few lights. Started writing the annual letter. Allie went down to wrap her gifts. She surprised me with a beautiful snowman she painted for me, to add to my collection. What a great treat. Something I'll cherish forever.

These are pretty random thoughts. But this time of year brings random thinking to mind.

tired

It's that time of year again. 5 weeks until christmas. And working at a fourth quarter company, all hell has broken loose. I'm working 12 hour days and it's starting to get difficult to do it day after day. And when I get home after 12 hours, it's not over. Maybe that's what is dragging me down. The dishes, laundry, homework, running the kids to practices, church work, Christmas program, wrapping presents, decorating, making cards.... I don't have time to breathe.

It gets this way every year. And I used to be able to handle it. But as I get older, it gets harder and harder to do.

mom

today is one of those days. i miss my mom. she's been gone for 18 months, and i still have days where i miss her so much it hurts. i went to fix my dad his lunch, and snuck away for a bit to sit in the chair i used to sit in at lunch to watch soaps and chat with mom. almost every day i went to see her on my lunch hour. we just chatted, had lunch, and watched days. i had no idea that those days wouldn't go on forever.

today i relived the last two weeks i had mom. the night of my birthday when i took her to the er. i was so angry with her that night, because when the nurse asked her how she took care of things, she made it sound like i never did anything for her. in hind sight, of course, i could have done more. but i did what she needed - getting prescriptions, groceries, etc. but the way she spoke to the doctor that night hurt me.

two days later i had a check up at the clinic, and i spent my lunch hour in mom's hospital room, chatting with her and her room mate's wife. if only i'd known that was the last chat we'd ever have...

two days later mom was on life support. for a week i visited her once or twice a day, talking to her even though i don't know if she knew. i'd rub her feet, brush her hair, and tell her what was going on in the world. the following sunday mom woke up - and was able to communicate. we spent the day joking with her. i fed her a cherry popsicle. something i will never ever forget.

two days later mom was gone. the morning of the day she died, i took up Pachelbel's Canon. I played it in her room. It was her favorite piece of music. I hope that she heard it.

I'm not sure what is bringing this all back to the surface right now. Her birthday was last week. I'm under ridiculous stress in both my private life and work. I'm emotional. i don't know.

i've asked mom to come and visit me. i know that sounds strange, but mom used to get visions. grandma came to her after her death to let her know everything would be ok. and i had so hoped mom could do the same for me. because right now i'm not sure it will. our family is divided. my life is in chaos. i just don't know if everything will be ok. and i need my mom to tell me it will.

on life, and the importance of it

Ok, so last week at work was probably the worst I've ever experienced. Feeling pretty bad - not wanting to be here anymore. Have come to the realization that I do get a nice paycheck, so I'll hang it out until I find something better. Something that will allow me to live my life.

Last Thursday was a good day. Not at work. It SUCKED at work. But after work, I took a night for me. I left right after work to head to Wausau. To the Harley dealer there, for ladies night. I spent a little over an hour there, listening to all the info from the rep, sitting on various bikes. It was the first time I have ever sat on a bike by myself. I've been riding on my DH's for 5 years, but until now, didn't think I could handle it.

Had some beer, did some shopping, and now know that I am definitely ready for my own bike. I also signed up for the safety/licensing course, so I should have my license by the end of May 2008. I'd love to get a bike also next summer, but we'll have to see how finances pan out. Something to start saving towards.

I felt great leaving Wausau. An hour drive home to think about things too. To remind myself that work is just that. Easy to lapse into taking everything personally. Frustrating to think that I will probably never move up here. I've busted my behind for this company for 12 years. And after 12 years, I'm in the same place I was then. That doesn't say much. But I think I see that it is not the most important thing in life.

That was also driven home this morning. My friend Paula's husband had a heart attack last night. 39 years old. In the hospital, awaiting test results to determine what needs to be done. With kids my ages, it is hitting very close to home. Life is way too short to let work run you down. WAY too short.

ugh

I am in the middle of hell at work right now. Shouldn't be taking the time to even write this, but I have to do something or I'll go insane. I just went by my boss's office to hear the president of the company yelling at my boss about a decision I made. A decision I fully stand behind and do not feel I should change. But one VP, and the Pres, feel differently. I heard him yell into the phone "why didn't she bring this up to us? Why did she let the production go on?". And my boss having to defend my decision, and my knowledge, which obviously the pres and the VP in question do not feel is adequate.

I feel like I've lost all integrity with them in my position. In a position I truly thought I was capable of. A position I hoped would grow into more, but now doubt.

I don't know that I can stay here. Not just because with this kind of questioning my integrity, I will never move up. Not just because I feel I am not trusted. But because working in an environment like this is unhealthy.

Funny thing is, before the meeting on my decision this morning, the pres, same one who is totally angry at me, presented me with an award for my charity work. He literally stood one minute handing me a plaque and in the next minute was criticizing everything I try to do.

I hate this place.

a writer's saga....

So I've volunteered to direct the Sunday School Christmas program. Not that I have enough to do, but I feel bad that I'm not teaching. So last night I decided to head down to my workshop and pull it together. Being the treasurer of the church, there was no way I was going to purchase ANYTHING. SO I wrote it myself! Pulled the story pieces out of Luke and Matthew, threw in some creative directing - with minimal sets, costumes, and lines. (Most read by a narrator instead of memorized.) Add the traditional hymns, and came up with what I think is a pretty good program.

I'll email it to Pastor tonight to see if it passes his test!

the snow

i just glanced out my window, taking a break from spreadsheet hell, to find big beautiful snowflakes falling.. the first of the year. couldn't make for a better day. i love winter. i love this time of year. christmas is coming.

i actually put in my il divo christmas cd on the way to one of our satellite facilities today. strange, even for me, to put it in so early. i must have felt the snow coming.

i have planned many holiday things in my head already - from making cookie dough this weekend to freeze - to starting the outside decorations before the ground freezes. i really must have known deep down that the snow was on the way.

of course it's too early for the snow to stay. the ground is far too warm. but it's beautiful just the same. and it made me smile.

peanut butter cookies....

Went to visit my dad today - and while he at first didn't remember mom was gone, he had a good day. I took out the garbage, mopped the floor, did the dishes, and while doing this, baked off a dozen peanut butter cookies. Bought those preformed balls of dough from a fundraiser - and keep them in the freezer. What a great treat for him, to have the cookies baking (been too long since that house smelled like baking. Mom was always baking something!), and then to enjoy them fresh out of the oven. Some days it really is the little things.

being a woman in a man's world....

I have struggled for twelve years to prove myself worthy in the food manufacturing arena of my job. I am the only female in my peer group of managers. For years I was not included in my boss's staff meetings. All the men managers were, but not me. I wasn't included in his status report to his boss, but all the men were. I'm also the only manager in his group that is not a senior manager. All the men are.

I've felt this type of incidental differential since I began in this position. I'm an extremely strong female, but am continuously amazed at how small I can feel due to the inequality. At one staff meeting once, one of the peer managers (senior of course) made a comment about whether or not shopping at the outlet qualified for our advancement training. Not sure why he felt inclined to say that to me, especially in front of the others. But it hurt more than I can convey in words.

The reason I bring this all to light is that it happened again yesterday. I was called into my boss's office for a briefing of the staff meeting I missed yesterday morning. He explained to me that he had a project for me. I LOVE PROJECTS. I love being in control of them, and of being able to shine through them. How wrong I was. He wants me to decorate some garbage cans for a gimmick training he is doing.

Now I'm pretty sure he wouldn't ask any of the men in my group to do this. And I feel completely demoralized. I work SO hard to be taken seriously, only to be asked to do an arts and crafts project. And this isn't the first time. He's asked me to sort things, make copies, etc., all of which would never be asked of the men.

I hate that I am so completely underappreciated and utilized. I am a very adept, smart, and capable manager, who will spend next week making cute garbage cans.

people watching

I was struck by several things yesterday - that I want to get down.

The first was, how do I say it? Quirky. A great end to a long day at work.

I was driving across town at 5 last night, on my way to the tire place. Stopped behind a huge line of traffic stopped for a train. As I'm listening to my music, I glance to my left, to the car next to me. In the back seat, all I can see, is an adorable little girl (guessing 9 months) peering over the edge of her carseat at me. And when I smiled at her, she broke into laughter. That great, only a baby can make, giggle. We were playing peek-a-boo, and I didn't realize it. This continued on for at least 5 minutes while we waited, and her face was just awesome. I could almost hear the giggle. Her dad kept turning around and smiling at her, oblivious to the fact that I was the reason she was laughing. If we all only felt that way about waiting for the train....

Not long after the train passed, I got behind a car of teenagers. While the first incident renewed my faith in people, this incident did just the other. Not only were they swerving in the lane, obviously paying more attention to the horsing around in the vehicle than the cars around them, but they were tossing out their trash as they ate! I cannot tell you the last time I saw someone litter! I truly thought that most people understood that littering is WRONG. But not these kids. They were so focused on being "it" that the rest of the world didn't matter. First one hamburger wrapper from the right side window, then one from the driver. And more after that. I was absolutely appalled that these young adults, the future of this world, would have so little respect for it (the world) and those of us living in it!

12 years

yesterday was my 12th wedding anniversary. so of course i ponder. last friday night i had a horrible nightmare. ken, my dh, had 'tired' of me. he had found someone else, had an affair, and when i found out, he simply shrugged me off. divorced me. moved on. i was so utterly devastated that i couldn't function. i called upon all of my friends. they tried to comfort me. but i truly couldn't go on. i couldn't exist without him. not like that. it was horrible. i cried my entire dream, woke up completely exhausted.

ken and i are ridiculously in love. while each of us has horrific habits that annoy the other, we both realize that no one is perfect. we are each other's soul mate. the day he proposed, he stated it perfectly. "It's like before I met you I was only half a person, but now I am whole." we do complement each other. we just fit. we are complete opposites that have come together in harmony.

so the thought (in my dream) of this ending, not going on forever is not understandable. i cannot imagine either one of us ever turning to someone else. there just ISN'T anyone else for us. every year together we become closer, and more in love. this nightmare was the worst thing i could imagine.

but of course it is only a dream. yesterday we celebrated our anniversary at a favorite restaurant. it was a wonderful night - as are most. glad i'm living my reality, and not that dream.

the message

Snoozed an extra 20 minutes today. So the morning was rushed. I had tons of things to do - not enough time to do them. My life as it normally exists. Got the kids up early, so I could get out of the house early. Had one loading my car with donations for the united way sale. had one pouring my coffee cup. quite a site, I'm sure. Had three things to do before work..drop payroll off at church, gas up (had NONE in the tank), and take out my dad's garbage, which is always a race against the garbage man.....

Got to church - happy to not have problems with the door.

Got to the cenex - and the darn card reader at the pump wasn't working. I did NOT have time for this. Frustrated, I put only 20$ in, to make it through a few days. Rushing in the store, there is a line. At this point, I fear I will not win the garbage race. As I'm signing my bill, John, a friend, and father of a friend of Allie's walks in. Bloodshot eyes, obviously tired. I think to myself "someone had fun last night!"

Of course that's not the story at all. A friend's house burned in the night. John and his family have their three girls.

All I can think of on the way to work is what I can do. I'm giving speeches on the United Way today - and here, friends have nothing. They need everything. I must do something. I'll think of it all day. How I was rushing along in life, and they are without a home. Without their clothes. Luckily, they are all safe. That is a gift from God.

The message is in my heart. Every day is a gift. Every hour a Blessing.

family...

Had a family wedding reception this weekend. My nephew, and Godson, was married in June and had an outdoor, casual, reception, at his new home on Saturday. Beautiful place in the country, bon fire, trees, beautiful setting.

I'm amazed and ashamed at the disfunctionality (is that a word?) of my family at times. Sister A, mother of the groom, was enebriated when we arrived at 4 pm, an hour after the event had begun. Sister B, the eldest, completely took charge, giving tours of the house, etc., even though it was her first time there as well. Sister C, late like I was, simply stood back and took it all in with me. Brother A, the eldest boy, didn't even speak to me. Brother B was as drunk as Sister A, but in his stupor, just got touchy-feely over a different nephew's girlfriend. And I'm not making this up.

Mother of the groom left the party before 7pm, so drunk she had to go home. The drunken brother left even earlier, to go to the bar with his friends. Honestly, I was ashamed for us all. And I felt bad for the bride and groom. Hopefully those of us that remained salvaged something for the day.

I'm still amazed at how alcohol can control a person's life. And not in a good way. I'm very Blessed to be able to partake, or not, rather than be controlled by it.

moved by the human spirit....

i love this time of year. while i'm ridiculously busy, and stressed out, it is our annual united way campaign. and that just seems to bring out the best in people. people calling to help out with events, giving up their lunch hours to help make sandwiches for a sale, decorating departments in honor of all kinds of heroes. it just seems like this time of year everyone goes the extra mile to do things for others. spirits change. in a very good way.

reality

this morning i found out that a friend of ours lost her fight with cancer. she was 46. her husband died suddenly just a year ago last week. two of those amazing, kind, caring, loved by everyone kind of people. i often wonder why God doesn't let those kinds of people hang around longer. they impact so many people in such a good way. they do so much good. i'm so sad that christy's life ended prematurely. but i'm glad that she and jack are together again. i imagine it's been a long year for both of them.

i just find it so hard to understand why people doing so much good are given such little time. i know there is a reason for everything. but still it doesn't make sense.

another day.

i suck at titles....

anyway. got a call from my dad this morning - at work - wondering where my mom is. been dead for 16 months. he has this lapse every once in a while. at first, it was weekly. now, not so often. but they are still so hard to deal with.

i am Blessed though. God has given me the ability to deal with it. i have no problem being honest with dad, telling him exactly what is going on. he is sad that he doesn't remember. he's asked me to write down everything that happened. it still breaks my heart.

i'm so glad it's friday afternoon. only 4 hours to go and i'm relelased for the weekend. i'm getting worn down. between my work for the united way, and how crazy it is here, the church stuff, and dad, and at home, i'm getting tired. i feel myself slipping away. so i need a weekend to recover. we're driving to monroe - for the annual murder mystery party - so i will get plenty of down time, and for that, i am very grateful.

one of those days

my original intent with this is changing. how funny is that. i think this has replaced by best friend, who moved a few months ago. while we are still very close, i used to vent to her so often throughout the day. i think this is my new venting vessel!

been an emotional week, lots going on. lots i've realized i've missed or forgotten. trying to get it all down on paper. whew. need to get my arms around so much.

then i go visit dad. who was not having the greatest day. asked about mom four times - not realizing she's been gone for 16 months already. we talked a lot. he asked questions. i tried to answer. when i flipped through the checkbook to pay the newspaper bill, i saw all of mom's entries in the log. right up until april 14th last year. ten days before she went to the hospital. how i love to see her handwriting. she had beautiful handwriting. very much her signature. i've read through several of the letters i have from college, which i will cherish for the rest of my life. just seeing her handwriting in the ledger made me miss her.

and when i left, i made some comment about getting back to the grind, and dad only said "it's quiet here. too quiet"

that makes me sad too. while they had a far from perfect marriage, they were together for 55 years. i can't imagine how quiet and slow his days are... and then i realize just how unimportant my problems are.

on being a mom

being a mom is probably my greatest accomplishment, and my worst screw-up. it seems like no matter how i try, once in awhile, i just really mess up. and i don't even know how sometimes. it doesn't help that my mom is gone. i used to talk to her every day at lunch, and she would help me through times like this. days like this i miss her more than ever.

william is doing a totem pole project for school. he has to include the nuclear family, some extended family, and information about all. last night i picked up the paragraphs he had written, and the first line of mine was "my mom is funny, mean, and sometimes nice". that hurt like a sword dug deep into my guts. since, i've been trying to figure out how, in all my trying, i've managed to impart THAT thought in my son's head. why, when tasked with describing me, is that what he wants to say?

i'm still trying to figure it out. and i will for days. i'm bad that way.

i take time each night to play soccer and volleyball with the kids. help with homework and projects. make treats for school. make special things for them, leave them notes. and yet the thing that william feels describes me is that i'm mean. i assume this comes from times of discipline, when i yell. how do i make him realize that this is part of my parenting? or am i too hard? do i yell too much?

the only important task i have in life is to create good people out of allie and will, and now i'm questioning all that i do as a parent. and who i am as a parent.

friends

just came off an amazing weekend with my oldest and dearest girlfriend. we did a high school football game, scrapbooked, and just spent time together. my life has been ridiculously hectic these last few months. under a great amount of stress at work and in my personal life. a month ago when we started to plan this little get together i had no idea that it was so needed.

sarah and i did nothing but laugh. and she's one of those "no questions asked" friends - take me as i am. it's just so easy being with her. and that is exactly what i needed. that is what we all need. so many people around us are high maintenance. they take so much and give so little. we feel that we have to prove something around them. having people like that in my life leaves me feeling so drained. sarah is just the opposite. if i had a big jar to represent my life, it was bone dry on friday afternoon. and sarah made it overflow. she's like that.

i'm a very lucky person though. i have more than one sarah. i have quite a few actually. i can turn to any one of them and refill my jar. hopefully i do the same for them. i would hate to think it is one-sided.

dear william

GREAT son story. I've been preparing for a week for my first budget meeting as treasurer at church - printing off spreadsheets of history, etc. William is just amazing. At age ten, he came to me the day of the meeting asking how he could help. His last words to me on my way out the door were "good luck tonight mom", and his first words on returning were "how'd your meeting go?" Why does a ten year old care so much? And how do they LEARN to care? So many of his traits I see growing, I wonder where he gets them from.

He is such an amazing spirit. So caring. SO much a boy, but underneath, an incredibly caring and loving soul. I am so Blessed to be his mother....

Homecoming...

omy. Homecoming this weekend in our small town, and I sent my daughter off to the dance with a boy. And he was such a nice boy. Makes me happy to see my daughter making good choices. She did very well. We're teaching her well. Exciting to see her growing up - and becoming an amazing young lady.

the swing

it's amazing to me how manic i can be. how i can swing from the high of earlier today to this. in the last two hours i've had two things happen that slapped me in the face, and hurt me so bad that i don't want to belong here anymore.

i get very frustrated that things at work can so affect my happiness. and unfortunately i need the job. i can't do without. and yet it emotionally and mentally puts me over the edge. to the point of tears.

i have worked so hard these last 12 years and have gotten no recognition for it at all. but i've been slapped, stomped on, and denied instead. how i want to leave here.

Family

Ok, so last night was just one of those really great family nights. Goofy stuff, everyone laid back and enjoying. But my poor daughter got the brunt of it.

It is homecoming week in our little town, and each night they have been out tp'ing, carousing, and having good old fashioned small town fun. Last night she had an away volleyball game, far enough away that we couldn't get there in time to watch. So the three of us stayed home.

I, on the way home, came up with a brilliant idea to make her homecoming even more special... We (I should say I) tp'd her BEDROOM. Beautiful, and artistic, if I do say so myself. Draped from the ceiling fan, hanging in the closet... a true work of art.

Upon returning home, I was "sleeping" in my bedroom. She entered her room, immediately blaming dad. "Don't you look at me, I had nothing to do with it." After we all got a good laugh, we went to bed. (Or so I thought.)

Turns out she is definitely my daughter. I woke up to find my coffee pot and purse saran'd! She woke with a smile, "don't mess with me, mom". I'm so proud...........

aging parents

Had a rough lunch with dad today. He asked again about Mom, asked me to recount what happened before she died. He has no idea how hard that is for me. But he honestly just doesn't remember. It's not his fault. And I want to help as much as I can. He asked me to write it all down, so he can keep it at his spot, and read it when he forgets. I tried so hard not to cry. Did pretty well actually. You'd think after this long I would be able to talk about it. But it's still hard. After 16 months...

Dad still makes me smile. While waiting for Ken, I told Dad all about my weekend in Iron Belt. (I had already told him on Monday, but he forgot.) As soon as Ken arrived with lunch, he told dad he had been to Iron Belt on Saturday (not knowing I'd just told him), but Dad got all excited and asked questions - didn't remember a lick of the conversation we'd just had. I feel so bad for him, but love the fact that he doesn't let it get him down. He's frustrated, but not to the point that he's angry. We are so Blessed with that.

the beginning

i've wanted to blog for awhile now. i like to journal, but seems i've got more time at my pc than with pen in hand. i'm hoping that this will be a chance for me to increase my writing, something that is in my head as something i need to strengthen. don't know if anyone will ever read it. that's not why i write.

for me, writing is theraputic. it's my chance to think, to breathe, and to be creative. i'm a scrapbooker, and writing is a large part of that for me. there are so many things i want to write down, i don't know where to start.

so i'm starting here. with a blog. wierd. hopefully it becomes my new vehicle....