mom

today is one of those days. i miss my mom. she's been gone for 18 months, and i still have days where i miss her so much it hurts. i went to fix my dad his lunch, and snuck away for a bit to sit in the chair i used to sit in at lunch to watch soaps and chat with mom. almost every day i went to see her on my lunch hour. we just chatted, had lunch, and watched days. i had no idea that those days wouldn't go on forever.

today i relived the last two weeks i had mom. the night of my birthday when i took her to the er. i was so angry with her that night, because when the nurse asked her how she took care of things, she made it sound like i never did anything for her. in hind sight, of course, i could have done more. but i did what she needed - getting prescriptions, groceries, etc. but the way she spoke to the doctor that night hurt me.

two days later i had a check up at the clinic, and i spent my lunch hour in mom's hospital room, chatting with her and her room mate's wife. if only i'd known that was the last chat we'd ever have...

two days later mom was on life support. for a week i visited her once or twice a day, talking to her even though i don't know if she knew. i'd rub her feet, brush her hair, and tell her what was going on in the world. the following sunday mom woke up - and was able to communicate. we spent the day joking with her. i fed her a cherry popsicle. something i will never ever forget.

two days later mom was gone. the morning of the day she died, i took up Pachelbel's Canon. I played it in her room. It was her favorite piece of music. I hope that she heard it.

I'm not sure what is bringing this all back to the surface right now. Her birthday was last week. I'm under ridiculous stress in both my private life and work. I'm emotional. i don't know.

i've asked mom to come and visit me. i know that sounds strange, but mom used to get visions. grandma came to her after her death to let her know everything would be ok. and i had so hoped mom could do the same for me. because right now i'm not sure it will. our family is divided. my life is in chaos. i just don't know if everything will be ok. and i need my mom to tell me it will.