a fake..

I am a fake. The funny thing is, I don't know anyone who has told me that they've caught on. So I must be a really GOOD fake. I have gotten emails about what an amazing person I am, etc., and my stomach turns. If only people knew the truth.

I am selfish. If people heard the thoughts going on in my head sometimes, they would be appauled.

I do NOT follow through. I am a big talker - offering all kinds of things - but many times completely let someone down because I have too many things going at once. I don't do this on purpose, I just promise like I have Martha Stewart's staff helping me out.

I forget birthdays. And even when I remember birthdays, sometimes I run out of time to send a card or gift.

I'm lazy. Even when I know a ton of things to do there are times when I just don't do them. Like last night, when I should have been doing the church books. I got tired and went to bed. Or I'll do something ELSE like dishes, or Christmas cards. INSTEAD of what I need to do first.

I'm a HORRIBLE procrastinator. HORRIBLE. I do everything at the last minute.

I talk about people. It is my worst fault. I love to gossip. And it's so ridiculously not Christian, that it kills me when I catch myself.

I find myself finding fault with everyone else. It's never my fault. OK, maybe not always, but more now than ever. I hear myself talking sometimes and just cringe. I can find an excuse for anything if I put my mind to it. Sometimes I find myself just saying - sorry, my bad. But many times I twist things to make them someone else's fault, making ME the poor victim.

And the problem is, this is what I see. I don't see the amazing person, or the great friend. I see a fake, who doesn't deserve most things that come to her. I want to scream to the world that I am not who they think I am, but the bad person in me doesn't let me. It keeps up the fascade.