being a mom is probably my greatest accomplishment, and my worst screw-up. it seems like no matter how i try, once in awhile, i just really mess up. and i don't even know how sometimes. it doesn't help that my mom is gone. i used to talk to her every day at lunch, and she would help me through times like this. days like this i miss her more than ever.
william is doing a totem pole project for school. he has to include the nuclear family, some extended family, and information about all. last night i picked up the paragraphs he had written, and the first line of mine was "my mom is funny, mean, and sometimes nice". that hurt like a sword dug deep into my guts. since, i've been trying to figure out how, in all my trying, i've managed to impart THAT thought in my son's head. why, when tasked with describing me, is that what he wants to say?
i'm still trying to figure it out. and i will for days. i'm bad that way.
i take time each night to play soccer and volleyball with the kids. help with homework and projects. make treats for school. make special things for them, leave them notes. and yet the thing that william feels describes me is that i'm mean. i assume this comes from times of discipline, when i yell. how do i make him realize that this is part of my parenting? or am i too hard? do i yell too much?
the only important task i have in life is to create good people out of allie and will, and now i'm questioning all that i do as a parent. and who i am as a parent.
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