Faith

The first area I need to attack in my life is my Faith. I found my Faith around the age of 14. I was in confirmation class. My family didn't go to church much. My mom and I went 4-5 times a year at best. But I had an amazing Pastor for my confirmation. And through his guidance, and deep introspection, I found my relationship with Christ. At that point, Faith became a major part of my life.

I went to a Christian college. While there, I was part of the chapel group, Bible studies, and my life in general was Faith based. I was by no means perfect, but it was still there. It was my Faith at that time that allowed me to find forgiveness for my alcoholic father.

After marriage, I became active in church - holding positions from sunday school teacher to treasurer. I found recently that my position as treasurer, extremely demanding, had actually started distracting me from my true Faith. I was getting angry at all the time I needed to spend on it. I was getting angry for falling behind, for letting people down. And it spiralled out of control. So on my birthday I resigned. It was a tough decision. I've only had the position for two years. But I knew that it was starting to pull me from my Faith, and without that I am nothing.

I had a great conversation with our Pastor today. He found out I resigned, and he talked me through my questioning my decision. He's an amazing Pastor - someone I can talk to earnestly. He's helping me refocus. He's reaffirmed my need to reconnect. He's listened.

My goal in fixing this aspect of my life is to include at least 15 minutes of meditation in each day. I want to begin my women's bible devotion book. I want to really focus on my Faithbook. And today's talk with Pastor Tom was a great beginning.

what's in a card?

I recently turned 38. For my birthday, I received wonderful notes from SO many good friends - all over the country. What struck me this year was how each of those cards truly represented the friend sending it, and the relationship I have with them.

Karen-her card was a beautiful photo of a coffee cup, perfect from my coffee clutch buddy, whom I share a love of java with.
Ginny - sent a goofy card about how "cool" we looked back in the day, and it brought back memories of goofy photos in cow slippers...
Tim - his card had a black and white photo of two girlfriends - from maybe the fifties. goofy, but his comment about the girls being Sarah and I, and he behind the camera as photographer completely described our childhood.

I just hope that everyone who takes the time to pick out a card, and send it, knows that they really do mean a lot to me.

What makes MISSY?

My first step is to map out those areas of my life that are important to me. What makes me tick? What gets me going?

Faith - throughout my life, as long as I've been in control, my Faith is the cornerstone. As of late, that has been in question, and I need to return it to being a part of EVERY day.

Family - Obviously, my family is the center of my earthly existence. Ken and the kids first, then my parents and siblings, then Ken's family. I need to nourish all family relationships, each in its own way.

Health - both emotional and physical. I've been working piece by piece on both of these, and honestly, without good health (both) I'm no good to anyone.

Friends - I have a core of amazing friends (many who read this - yes YOU!), who I need to concentrate on. The deserve that from me. I owe that to them.

Hobbies - I have several hobbies and interests that I need to grow. I've lost that part of who I am, and I need to regain that part of me.

Work - I take great pride in my work. I love my work. I need to focus 100% while AT work, and bring 0% work home with me.

I think that's it. That, is who I am. Or who I was, and who I will be again. Next up, I'll break each out into its importance in my life, and how I am going to get it back!

needing direction...

I have figured out that I am in need of direction... I've been floating without true vision, passion, and direction since mid 06. Losing my mom had a much more lasting effect than I would have ever thought. So it needs to by my goal to FIND that direction. Determine those things most important to me, and determine what I need to do in my life to make them happen.

So this is the first in a series on me, getting "my groove on", finding that direction....

Buckle your seat belts and hang on - it's going to be a WILD ride!

greys

I love Grey's Anatomy. Yesterday was the first new episode (not a bad thing for my bday). And I loved it. Had my morning chat with my bf on the way to work this morning, and it cracked us both up. I love that show!

Had two wonderful surprises last night - phone calls from a dear friend, and my closest sister. Very nice surprise.

I gave my resignation to the church president - asking him to find a replacement for me as treasurer. It's a job that has caused great stress in my life, and my Faith is so critical to my well being that I don't want anything tainting it in my life. I decided that the job wasn't for me, and I've asked him to begin looking. I'm sure it will be months before someone is found and trained, but just knowing I've said that to him helps.

Time to hit the books. Work is calling. But it's Friday.

signs

April 24th, 2008. My 38th birthday. Happy Birthday to me!



Strange day. Started at 4:30 am. My inlaws (who, after some not so great years have become such an amazing Blessing in my life!), took our family out for breakfast before work/school, to celbrate my DH's and my birthdays. We had a great breakfast. Fun way to start the day.

Had meetings literally from 7-12 (every other thur - the curse of middle management), all of which also included my boss, and three of my peer managers (all men). Not sure how I ended up having THAT for a birthday - but they've teased me all day.

I got many well wishes from coworkers and friends, nice day to be thought of.

But I'm in a horrible low in my life right now, ridiculously emotional. Not such a joyous time in my life right now, so I'm really not into celebrating.



I took a big muffin to my dad's at lunch. We had cheddarwurst and peas, sitting at the kitchen table chatting. He felt bad he didn't know it was my birthday. (He doesn't know what he's said 5 minutes before, or even the fact that my mother has been gone two years. Cracked me up that he felt bad.) It was a nice lunch. Of course the main thing missing was my mom. It was two years ago today that I took her to the hospital, and she never made it home. So each year it's hard. I miss her as much today as I did then.



It is raining today. I went to the park on the way back to work, parked where mom and I used to go to talk. I think the rain is her. I think she wants me to know that she misses me too. I can't believe how much I still miss her. I would give anything just to be able to chat. To tell her about what's going on. To tell her the goofy William stories. To show her pictures of Allie in her prom dress. At the park I told mom how I wished she was here, how I wished I could see her...



Luckily I have an office with a door. I got back from lunch and had a gift from one of my workers - which included a candle called "angel wings". This woman doesn't know my mom's angel beliefs. She has no idea.



So the best birthday gift of all? The rain and the candle - my two gifts from mom.

birthdays

I was up late last night making homemade cards for a fundraiser. Seems all my days are based around fundraisers these days. Could be worse things I guess. Sex in the City came on. Probably my all time favorite show. I own the entire series. And they were two of my favorite episodes.

I like to think that deep down I am Carrie. The first episode last night was the birthday episode where no one shows up at her birthday dinner. Ironic, in that my birthday is Thur. They all have their reasons - traffic, wrong place, etc. But she sits there, alone, realizing just how alone she is. I can completely empathize with her. I lost my mom in 06, and with that, much contact with my family. I guess Mom was the glue keeping us in contact... I lost my best friend to another city in 07. I miss her ridiculously. I lost my store to the greed of others. And I feel like I'm losing my identity.

The second episode was the one where Carrie is asked to be a runway model, and she trips - becoming "runway roadkill". She lies there a moment, and decides not to slither away, but to get back on her feet and shake it off. And I feel like that is what I need to do right now. I'm going through some issues, and I need to hold my head high, and shake it off. I hope that I can do as well as she did.

It's amazing how watching shows I've seen literally dozens of times before can make you feel good. Say the right thing, just when you need it. I guess all I really need for my birthday is a good bottle of wine and a night to watch Sex in the City. My needs as I continue to age change, they evolve, but into much more meaningful things.

April 21, 2008

First one without a great title. Probably because I have no idea what will come from my brain....

I have a lot going on right now. Mentally I'm really pushed, well beyond anywhere I've been before. And that scares me. I am sleeping SO much, but at the wrong times. I'm emotional. I'm falling behind everywhere. And I've not been taking the time to get to church, which I know only compounds the problem.

This Thursday marks two years since the day I took my mom to the ER. She would never leave the hospital. It was my 36th birthday. It's amazing how the last two years have flown by. The routine that I've fallen into. Going to dad's to take out garbage, do the laundry, make him lunch. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder what it will be like for me when I don't have that responsibility. Since I've moved back here (going on 16 years) I've been taking care of my parents - only dad these last two though. I don't want to know what life will be like after that need is gone.

There are so many things that I need to do. I am not taking care of myself. I'm putting so many other things first, and I'm suffering because of it. I know that if I was in a better place emotionally so much would change. But I don't know how to get there.

So I just go on. I keep playing this game of charades. I keep tricking people into thinking that everything is fine, the same as always. They don't know the difference and I don't WANT them to know the difference. Because then I would appear weak. I don't DO weak. I am the strong one, taking care of everything. That's how it's always been .

Wow, I'm rambling this morning. Must be a monday. I stayed up late last night, because I took a nap yesterday afternoon. So this morning I feel crummy, almost hung over, from lack of sleep. I can't do that like I used to!

I'm off to start another week. One filled with fundraiser responsibilities, church meetings, and a hubby on 3-11, leaving me to do it all by myself. Because I am the strong one.

my ginny

All of us have amazing people in our lives. If we're lucky, those people stay with us for our entire lives. I have been incredibly Blessed to have many, many such people in my life. One of those people is Ginny. Ginny is a one of a kind person and friend who unfortunately lives 500 miles away.

The other day I was discussing scrapbooking with a friend at work. Someone who I've only gotten to know really well in the last six months, because of a move to our building. While we were talking, she made a comment, with a smile, and I realized I had found a Wisconsin version of my Ginny! I hadn't put the two together before, and now, every time I see and talk to her, I see a bit of Ginny.

What a nice treat.

surreal

there i was. sitting by myself, crammed in with hundreds of others in a small town funeral home. ken wasn't with me because the men were standing so the women could sit. there were people standing in every nook and cranny, out the hallway and in the back room.

the service was for ken's cousin's husband. an amazing man, father, husband, who was taken too early at the age of 50. his older sister spoke. his nephew spoke. and then his 16 year old son spoke. logan was so strong to stand up there and talk about his dad.

all at once, the chaplain sat down, and a woman stood. she began to sing amazing grace. accapella. just pure and beautiful. simply done, not forced. the sound of that song, sitting by myself, on that day, will forever stay with me. the reality will stay with me.

spring...

A dear friend of mine also blogs - and her blog this last weekend was about spring arriving. This morning I woke up to an inch of new snow - yes, it's April 9th, and it's been snowing since October. I have NEVER in my lifetime known a winter like this!

I have wonderful plans this weekend - scrapbooking with my best friend, who moved away a year ago. A true girlfriends weekend - just the two of us at a retreat in her new hometown. We are VERY excited. I leave at noon tomorrow - for an extended weekend away, just what the doctor ordered! I've been stressed, and frustrated, and in a funk. Hopefully this will renew me!

I've packed like a true addict - enough pictures and supplies for 150 pages (half of what I did in all of 2007!). I crack myself up. I'm a fast cropper, but that is ridiculous. My hope is to finish our big road trip last year on Route 66 - - - I'm only to Missouri (day three)..... it was a two week road trip!

So I start this hump day with bright expectations for the weekend, and a LONG to do list of what needs to be done before I go! Better hop to it!

it's all relative...

it's been a long winter. there are disagreements about as to when winter began. some say the snow started in october, some in november. regardless, it's been a long winter. yesterday was april 7th and it snowed. there are still huge piles of snow everywhere. my yard is done, which is nice, but the reminders of this snowy winter are still all around.

i was struck by the relativity of temperature when i got out of my car at work this morning. i never even gave a second thought to wearing a coat today. i haven't all week. no reason to. it's warmed up and the winter coats are no longer needed.

it was 34 degrees when i arrived at work. not balmy by any means. but at this time of year, after six months of winter like weather, it feels like summer. the same 34 degrees in october would mean winter coat, hat, and gloves....

because it's all relative, now isn't it?

reality check

DH's cousin died this weekend, 51, from a massive heart attack. His lifestyle didn't help matters I'm sure, sedentary, ran a bar. But it's still so scary - he's not much older than my DH. While we are active - taking walks, camping, cutting wood, gardening, etc., but we're both overweight - and could do much on that.

I guess I'll take this as a reality check - and get serious about our health.

a martha stewart staff

I figured out my problem. The answer to my life issues. I need a Martha Stewart Staff.

Think about it. All I'd have to do is come up with the majority of the great ideas. THEY would do all the work!

I'm coming up with great ideas all the time, but I run out of time to get them all done. I want to create altered journals for my book club. Supplies are bought. We're on our fourth book. I still haven't done it. I want to make these incredible invites for my dd sweet sixteen party. Have the idea. But they're not done. I have gifts to put together for two friends who've had babies in the last year. By the time they get them, they'll be in college. I want to create a health journal scrapbook. I want to finish writing my short story. I want to play my violin in church. The list goes on and on. And I'm not even talking about my house and gardens!

I am not enough person. I need more. I need a staff. I could do such great things if I only had a staff!