people watching

I was struck by several things yesterday - that I want to get down.

The first was, how do I say it? Quirky. A great end to a long day at work.

I was driving across town at 5 last night, on my way to the tire place. Stopped behind a huge line of traffic stopped for a train. As I'm listening to my music, I glance to my left, to the car next to me. In the back seat, all I can see, is an adorable little girl (guessing 9 months) peering over the edge of her carseat at me. And when I smiled at her, she broke into laughter. That great, only a baby can make, giggle. We were playing peek-a-boo, and I didn't realize it. This continued on for at least 5 minutes while we waited, and her face was just awesome. I could almost hear the giggle. Her dad kept turning around and smiling at her, oblivious to the fact that I was the reason she was laughing. If we all only felt that way about waiting for the train....

Not long after the train passed, I got behind a car of teenagers. While the first incident renewed my faith in people, this incident did just the other. Not only were they swerving in the lane, obviously paying more attention to the horsing around in the vehicle than the cars around them, but they were tossing out their trash as they ate! I cannot tell you the last time I saw someone litter! I truly thought that most people understood that littering is WRONG. But not these kids. They were so focused on being "it" that the rest of the world didn't matter. First one hamburger wrapper from the right side window, then one from the driver. And more after that. I was absolutely appalled that these young adults, the future of this world, would have so little respect for it (the world) and those of us living in it!

12 years

yesterday was my 12th wedding anniversary. so of course i ponder. last friday night i had a horrible nightmare. ken, my dh, had 'tired' of me. he had found someone else, had an affair, and when i found out, he simply shrugged me off. divorced me. moved on. i was so utterly devastated that i couldn't function. i called upon all of my friends. they tried to comfort me. but i truly couldn't go on. i couldn't exist without him. not like that. it was horrible. i cried my entire dream, woke up completely exhausted.

ken and i are ridiculously in love. while each of us has horrific habits that annoy the other, we both realize that no one is perfect. we are each other's soul mate. the day he proposed, he stated it perfectly. "It's like before I met you I was only half a person, but now I am whole." we do complement each other. we just fit. we are complete opposites that have come together in harmony.

so the thought (in my dream) of this ending, not going on forever is not understandable. i cannot imagine either one of us ever turning to someone else. there just ISN'T anyone else for us. every year together we become closer, and more in love. this nightmare was the worst thing i could imagine.

but of course it is only a dream. yesterday we celebrated our anniversary at a favorite restaurant. it was a wonderful night - as are most. glad i'm living my reality, and not that dream.

the message

Snoozed an extra 20 minutes today. So the morning was rushed. I had tons of things to do - not enough time to do them. My life as it normally exists. Got the kids up early, so I could get out of the house early. Had one loading my car with donations for the united way sale. had one pouring my coffee cup. quite a site, I'm sure. Had three things to do before work..drop payroll off at church, gas up (had NONE in the tank), and take out my dad's garbage, which is always a race against the garbage man.....

Got to church - happy to not have problems with the door.

Got to the cenex - and the darn card reader at the pump wasn't working. I did NOT have time for this. Frustrated, I put only 20$ in, to make it through a few days. Rushing in the store, there is a line. At this point, I fear I will not win the garbage race. As I'm signing my bill, John, a friend, and father of a friend of Allie's walks in. Bloodshot eyes, obviously tired. I think to myself "someone had fun last night!"

Of course that's not the story at all. A friend's house burned in the night. John and his family have their three girls.

All I can think of on the way to work is what I can do. I'm giving speeches on the United Way today - and here, friends have nothing. They need everything. I must do something. I'll think of it all day. How I was rushing along in life, and they are without a home. Without their clothes. Luckily, they are all safe. That is a gift from God.

The message is in my heart. Every day is a gift. Every hour a Blessing.

family...

Had a family wedding reception this weekend. My nephew, and Godson, was married in June and had an outdoor, casual, reception, at his new home on Saturday. Beautiful place in the country, bon fire, trees, beautiful setting.

I'm amazed and ashamed at the disfunctionality (is that a word?) of my family at times. Sister A, mother of the groom, was enebriated when we arrived at 4 pm, an hour after the event had begun. Sister B, the eldest, completely took charge, giving tours of the house, etc., even though it was her first time there as well. Sister C, late like I was, simply stood back and took it all in with me. Brother A, the eldest boy, didn't even speak to me. Brother B was as drunk as Sister A, but in his stupor, just got touchy-feely over a different nephew's girlfriend. And I'm not making this up.

Mother of the groom left the party before 7pm, so drunk she had to go home. The drunken brother left even earlier, to go to the bar with his friends. Honestly, I was ashamed for us all. And I felt bad for the bride and groom. Hopefully those of us that remained salvaged something for the day.

I'm still amazed at how alcohol can control a person's life. And not in a good way. I'm very Blessed to be able to partake, or not, rather than be controlled by it.

moved by the human spirit....

i love this time of year. while i'm ridiculously busy, and stressed out, it is our annual united way campaign. and that just seems to bring out the best in people. people calling to help out with events, giving up their lunch hours to help make sandwiches for a sale, decorating departments in honor of all kinds of heroes. it just seems like this time of year everyone goes the extra mile to do things for others. spirits change. in a very good way.

reality

this morning i found out that a friend of ours lost her fight with cancer. she was 46. her husband died suddenly just a year ago last week. two of those amazing, kind, caring, loved by everyone kind of people. i often wonder why God doesn't let those kinds of people hang around longer. they impact so many people in such a good way. they do so much good. i'm so sad that christy's life ended prematurely. but i'm glad that she and jack are together again. i imagine it's been a long year for both of them.

i just find it so hard to understand why people doing so much good are given such little time. i know there is a reason for everything. but still it doesn't make sense.

another day.

i suck at titles....

anyway. got a call from my dad this morning - at work - wondering where my mom is. been dead for 16 months. he has this lapse every once in a while. at first, it was weekly. now, not so often. but they are still so hard to deal with.

i am Blessed though. God has given me the ability to deal with it. i have no problem being honest with dad, telling him exactly what is going on. he is sad that he doesn't remember. he's asked me to write down everything that happened. it still breaks my heart.

i'm so glad it's friday afternoon. only 4 hours to go and i'm relelased for the weekend. i'm getting worn down. between my work for the united way, and how crazy it is here, the church stuff, and dad, and at home, i'm getting tired. i feel myself slipping away. so i need a weekend to recover. we're driving to monroe - for the annual murder mystery party - so i will get plenty of down time, and for that, i am very grateful.

one of those days

my original intent with this is changing. how funny is that. i think this has replaced by best friend, who moved a few months ago. while we are still very close, i used to vent to her so often throughout the day. i think this is my new venting vessel!

been an emotional week, lots going on. lots i've realized i've missed or forgotten. trying to get it all down on paper. whew. need to get my arms around so much.

then i go visit dad. who was not having the greatest day. asked about mom four times - not realizing she's been gone for 16 months already. we talked a lot. he asked questions. i tried to answer. when i flipped through the checkbook to pay the newspaper bill, i saw all of mom's entries in the log. right up until april 14th last year. ten days before she went to the hospital. how i love to see her handwriting. she had beautiful handwriting. very much her signature. i've read through several of the letters i have from college, which i will cherish for the rest of my life. just seeing her handwriting in the ledger made me miss her.

and when i left, i made some comment about getting back to the grind, and dad only said "it's quiet here. too quiet"

that makes me sad too. while they had a far from perfect marriage, they were together for 55 years. i can't imagine how quiet and slow his days are... and then i realize just how unimportant my problems are.

on being a mom

being a mom is probably my greatest accomplishment, and my worst screw-up. it seems like no matter how i try, once in awhile, i just really mess up. and i don't even know how sometimes. it doesn't help that my mom is gone. i used to talk to her every day at lunch, and she would help me through times like this. days like this i miss her more than ever.

william is doing a totem pole project for school. he has to include the nuclear family, some extended family, and information about all. last night i picked up the paragraphs he had written, and the first line of mine was "my mom is funny, mean, and sometimes nice". that hurt like a sword dug deep into my guts. since, i've been trying to figure out how, in all my trying, i've managed to impart THAT thought in my son's head. why, when tasked with describing me, is that what he wants to say?

i'm still trying to figure it out. and i will for days. i'm bad that way.

i take time each night to play soccer and volleyball with the kids. help with homework and projects. make treats for school. make special things for them, leave them notes. and yet the thing that william feels describes me is that i'm mean. i assume this comes from times of discipline, when i yell. how do i make him realize that this is part of my parenting? or am i too hard? do i yell too much?

the only important task i have in life is to create good people out of allie and will, and now i'm questioning all that i do as a parent. and who i am as a parent.

friends

just came off an amazing weekend with my oldest and dearest girlfriend. we did a high school football game, scrapbooked, and just spent time together. my life has been ridiculously hectic these last few months. under a great amount of stress at work and in my personal life. a month ago when we started to plan this little get together i had no idea that it was so needed.

sarah and i did nothing but laugh. and she's one of those "no questions asked" friends - take me as i am. it's just so easy being with her. and that is exactly what i needed. that is what we all need. so many people around us are high maintenance. they take so much and give so little. we feel that we have to prove something around them. having people like that in my life leaves me feeling so drained. sarah is just the opposite. if i had a big jar to represent my life, it was bone dry on friday afternoon. and sarah made it overflow. she's like that.

i'm a very lucky person though. i have more than one sarah. i have quite a few actually. i can turn to any one of them and refill my jar. hopefully i do the same for them. i would hate to think it is one-sided.