what a week...

Monday night, at 9:22pm, I received a phone call from my mother-in-law. A woman who is always in bed by eight. I knew by the way Allie said "it's Grandma", that something was wrong. She had just gotten back from taken my father-in-law in to the emergency room. He wasn't feeling well, and by the time he arrived, he was having a heart attack. A quadruple bypass was scheduled for 7am the next morning. I told the kids - William cried, as it began bringing back thoughts of my own mother, who died 6 days before Will's 9th birthday. We prayed for Grandpa, and Grandma, and the doctors.

The hardest part was waiting for Ken to come home. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know how to tell him. We stayed awake and talked until after 1am. And we were up at 5 to get ready to go to the hospital. We got the kids up and ready for school early, and were in the waiting room by 6:35. Ralph went into surgery at 7:30, and didn't get done until 3pm. It was a long day in that waiting room.

I've heard of people having bypass. It seems pretty common. But because of all the medical shows on tv, I think it was too easy to picture what was happening. At 10:10 he went on bypass. His heart was basically stopped so they could work on it. A machine was pumping his blood. At that time, they said 2-3 hours. When 1 came and went, as did 2, it became quiet and uncomfortable. But the call came at 2:30 that he was off bypass, and they were closing him up.

Went to see him last night - the surgery had no complications, he's progressing. But it was the first time in critical unit since my mom died there. It's not a place I like to go. It was really hard. And seeing my big, strong, bull-headed father in law laying there unresponsive, with tubes and monitors all over the place, was horrible. I'm really hoping that tonight some of the tubes are gone. I need to get the kids up there, especially for Ralph. He lives for his grandkids and seeing them will be just what he needs after what he's been through.

We all have a long road ahead.

I don't know where to start. I just returned from taking lunch at my dad's. Since mom died a year and a half ago, I visit him 3-4 times a week to make him something hot for lunch, check on his grocery status, and pick up the house. He doesn't really mess up much, and I have it down to a science. Spot mopping, cleaning the bathroom, laundry, dishes. That's about it.

My family - or should I qualify - PART of my family - spent Thanksgiving at Dad's house. I say PART because since Mom's death, the family has been split in two. I actually am sort of in the middle - only one brother doesn't speak to me. But there are two sisters on one side and a sister and brother on the other. I was not invited to anyone's house for Thanksgiving, which is fine - we planned on doing Ken's family - but not even a mention. The one brother had asked me to come in for coffee before heading to the inlaws. So we did, chatted with the family that was there. Not that I'd been invited to dinner. That was all planned between three of them. I heard through the grapevine that the other sisters both went to inlaws.

ANYWAY. (I digress.)

I stopped to pick up milk for Dad, figuring he would be low as I hadn't been there since Thursday morning. (A long time for me.) I walked in and the house was a pig stye. The floor looked like it hadn't been mopped in months even though on Wednesday, it was clean. THere was a huge platter of turkey (no one bothered to put it in tupperware, freeze any, or even take it off the bone) in the fridge. The garbage can was full. There were dirty aluminum pans in the recycling (they have to be washed first), and tons of empty wine and beer bottles.

OK. HERE IS WHY I AM ANGRY.
1) They come into this house, a house that I am taking care of for my dad, and trash the place. They don't help by cleaning it, they don't even leave it as clean as it was when they arrived. They leave a ton of work for ME to do, as if I'm not doing enough.
2) They have the gall to come in and drink around my dad - in HUGE quanities - even though he's a dry alcoholic, who ruined all of our early lives by being a mean drunk.

I cannot believe that this is MY family. That they can be this inconsiderate. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and honestly, I'm numb.

Christmas

Friday night I sat in my workshop, wrapping presents and writing holiday cards, watching my favorite holiday movie of all time - White Christmas. I love watching that show. I'm a sap for old movies. This is my favorite. I didn't even dig out the DVD, it was actually on tv. What a treat. I am really trying to do the things I love this season. Work is getting SO hectic and unbearable. So I'm focusing on our family, my kids, and the traditions.

Today the kids and I went shopping. We went from store to store. Not buying a lot, but enjoying the time. Found a few great gifts too, and I even let the kids buy themselves a couple of treats for having all their shopping done early. Sat and had a long enjoyable lunch. Got coffees at Starbucks to enjoy on the way home (not Will!)

Got home, put out a few lights. Started writing the annual letter. Allie went down to wrap her gifts. She surprised me with a beautiful snowman she painted for me, to add to my collection. What a great treat. Something I'll cherish forever.

These are pretty random thoughts. But this time of year brings random thinking to mind.

tired

It's that time of year again. 5 weeks until christmas. And working at a fourth quarter company, all hell has broken loose. I'm working 12 hour days and it's starting to get difficult to do it day after day. And when I get home after 12 hours, it's not over. Maybe that's what is dragging me down. The dishes, laundry, homework, running the kids to practices, church work, Christmas program, wrapping presents, decorating, making cards.... I don't have time to breathe.

It gets this way every year. And I used to be able to handle it. But as I get older, it gets harder and harder to do.

mom

today is one of those days. i miss my mom. she's been gone for 18 months, and i still have days where i miss her so much it hurts. i went to fix my dad his lunch, and snuck away for a bit to sit in the chair i used to sit in at lunch to watch soaps and chat with mom. almost every day i went to see her on my lunch hour. we just chatted, had lunch, and watched days. i had no idea that those days wouldn't go on forever.

today i relived the last two weeks i had mom. the night of my birthday when i took her to the er. i was so angry with her that night, because when the nurse asked her how she took care of things, she made it sound like i never did anything for her. in hind sight, of course, i could have done more. but i did what she needed - getting prescriptions, groceries, etc. but the way she spoke to the doctor that night hurt me.

two days later i had a check up at the clinic, and i spent my lunch hour in mom's hospital room, chatting with her and her room mate's wife. if only i'd known that was the last chat we'd ever have...

two days later mom was on life support. for a week i visited her once or twice a day, talking to her even though i don't know if she knew. i'd rub her feet, brush her hair, and tell her what was going on in the world. the following sunday mom woke up - and was able to communicate. we spent the day joking with her. i fed her a cherry popsicle. something i will never ever forget.

two days later mom was gone. the morning of the day she died, i took up Pachelbel's Canon. I played it in her room. It was her favorite piece of music. I hope that she heard it.

I'm not sure what is bringing this all back to the surface right now. Her birthday was last week. I'm under ridiculous stress in both my private life and work. I'm emotional. i don't know.

i've asked mom to come and visit me. i know that sounds strange, but mom used to get visions. grandma came to her after her death to let her know everything would be ok. and i had so hoped mom could do the same for me. because right now i'm not sure it will. our family is divided. my life is in chaos. i just don't know if everything will be ok. and i need my mom to tell me it will.

on life, and the importance of it

Ok, so last week at work was probably the worst I've ever experienced. Feeling pretty bad - not wanting to be here anymore. Have come to the realization that I do get a nice paycheck, so I'll hang it out until I find something better. Something that will allow me to live my life.

Last Thursday was a good day. Not at work. It SUCKED at work. But after work, I took a night for me. I left right after work to head to Wausau. To the Harley dealer there, for ladies night. I spent a little over an hour there, listening to all the info from the rep, sitting on various bikes. It was the first time I have ever sat on a bike by myself. I've been riding on my DH's for 5 years, but until now, didn't think I could handle it.

Had some beer, did some shopping, and now know that I am definitely ready for my own bike. I also signed up for the safety/licensing course, so I should have my license by the end of May 2008. I'd love to get a bike also next summer, but we'll have to see how finances pan out. Something to start saving towards.

I felt great leaving Wausau. An hour drive home to think about things too. To remind myself that work is just that. Easy to lapse into taking everything personally. Frustrating to think that I will probably never move up here. I've busted my behind for this company for 12 years. And after 12 years, I'm in the same place I was then. That doesn't say much. But I think I see that it is not the most important thing in life.

That was also driven home this morning. My friend Paula's husband had a heart attack last night. 39 years old. In the hospital, awaiting test results to determine what needs to be done. With kids my ages, it is hitting very close to home. Life is way too short to let work run you down. WAY too short.

ugh

I am in the middle of hell at work right now. Shouldn't be taking the time to even write this, but I have to do something or I'll go insane. I just went by my boss's office to hear the president of the company yelling at my boss about a decision I made. A decision I fully stand behind and do not feel I should change. But one VP, and the Pres, feel differently. I heard him yell into the phone "why didn't she bring this up to us? Why did she let the production go on?". And my boss having to defend my decision, and my knowledge, which obviously the pres and the VP in question do not feel is adequate.

I feel like I've lost all integrity with them in my position. In a position I truly thought I was capable of. A position I hoped would grow into more, but now doubt.

I don't know that I can stay here. Not just because with this kind of questioning my integrity, I will never move up. Not just because I feel I am not trusted. But because working in an environment like this is unhealthy.

Funny thing is, before the meeting on my decision this morning, the pres, same one who is totally angry at me, presented me with an award for my charity work. He literally stood one minute handing me a plaque and in the next minute was criticizing everything I try to do.

I hate this place.

a writer's saga....

So I've volunteered to direct the Sunday School Christmas program. Not that I have enough to do, but I feel bad that I'm not teaching. So last night I decided to head down to my workshop and pull it together. Being the treasurer of the church, there was no way I was going to purchase ANYTHING. SO I wrote it myself! Pulled the story pieces out of Luke and Matthew, threw in some creative directing - with minimal sets, costumes, and lines. (Most read by a narrator instead of memorized.) Add the traditional hymns, and came up with what I think is a pretty good program.

I'll email it to Pastor tonight to see if it passes his test!

the snow

i just glanced out my window, taking a break from spreadsheet hell, to find big beautiful snowflakes falling.. the first of the year. couldn't make for a better day. i love winter. i love this time of year. christmas is coming.

i actually put in my il divo christmas cd on the way to one of our satellite facilities today. strange, even for me, to put it in so early. i must have felt the snow coming.

i have planned many holiday things in my head already - from making cookie dough this weekend to freeze - to starting the outside decorations before the ground freezes. i really must have known deep down that the snow was on the way.

of course it's too early for the snow to stay. the ground is far too warm. but it's beautiful just the same. and it made me smile.

peanut butter cookies....

Went to visit my dad today - and while he at first didn't remember mom was gone, he had a good day. I took out the garbage, mopped the floor, did the dishes, and while doing this, baked off a dozen peanut butter cookies. Bought those preformed balls of dough from a fundraiser - and keep them in the freezer. What a great treat for him, to have the cookies baking (been too long since that house smelled like baking. Mom was always baking something!), and then to enjoy them fresh out of the oven. Some days it really is the little things.

being a woman in a man's world....

I have struggled for twelve years to prove myself worthy in the food manufacturing arena of my job. I am the only female in my peer group of managers. For years I was not included in my boss's staff meetings. All the men managers were, but not me. I wasn't included in his status report to his boss, but all the men were. I'm also the only manager in his group that is not a senior manager. All the men are.

I've felt this type of incidental differential since I began in this position. I'm an extremely strong female, but am continuously amazed at how small I can feel due to the inequality. At one staff meeting once, one of the peer managers (senior of course) made a comment about whether or not shopping at the outlet qualified for our advancement training. Not sure why he felt inclined to say that to me, especially in front of the others. But it hurt more than I can convey in words.

The reason I bring this all to light is that it happened again yesterday. I was called into my boss's office for a briefing of the staff meeting I missed yesterday morning. He explained to me that he had a project for me. I LOVE PROJECTS. I love being in control of them, and of being able to shine through them. How wrong I was. He wants me to decorate some garbage cans for a gimmick training he is doing.

Now I'm pretty sure he wouldn't ask any of the men in my group to do this. And I feel completely demoralized. I work SO hard to be taken seriously, only to be asked to do an arts and crafts project. And this isn't the first time. He's asked me to sort things, make copies, etc., all of which would never be asked of the men.

I hate that I am so completely underappreciated and utilized. I am a very adept, smart, and capable manager, who will spend next week making cute garbage cans.