gifts...

I had a Saturday morning visit with my dad this weekend, celebrating his birthday. It was a short visit, as we were on the way to my son's basketball tournament, but it was a good visit. Having severe dimentia, there probably isn't anything from Saturday that my dad will remember. But for myself, and for my sister, those visits are such gifts. We joked, brought him a gift, had the other residents sing Happy Birthday. In the mornings, he is so much better. So alert, and relaxed. I very rarely get to see him at that time of day. Most visits are at night, when he's tired, and less tolerable. Saturday morning was amazing. I was sad to go. I wanted to chat, to play cribbage, and to look at old pictures. But I'll save that for another Saturday.

Unless you know the history with my dad, you don't understand how that type of a visit is a gift. My entire childhood and life until I was 28, he was an alcoholic, and we had no relationship. We didn't speak. We didn't hug. After his stroke, he dried out, and over the last ten years, we've bonded. We've gotten to know each other. While he has dimentia, that doesn't matter. We talk, play cards, and remember. He tells stories of the olden days. I recount what's going on in our busy lives.

So those Saturdays are gifts. Gifts with a value so high they can't be bought. Gifts I cherish, and thank God for.

to be such a disappointment to so many.

to be a disappointment to someone is to me, the worst feeling. i take all that i do with great pride. to be told that i am wrong, that i've done something wrong, that i don't know what i'm doing, that i'm always causing problems, it kills me.



and what hurts is how easily people can hurt someone. as if they don't feel the pain they are inflicting. how sad, that someone should feel that they are right, that they HAVE the right, to talk to someone that way. yet they do. they all do. my children. my coworkers. my siblings. even my friends at times. and usually at the same time.



it started late yesterday afternoon. i've been crying since. i need my mom. i want my mom to come visit me. to tell me everything is going to be ok. i've been asking her to do that since she passed away. i know it's selfish of me to ask. i know there are people who need her as an angel much more than i. i know that i am Blessed. and that i just need to suck it up. but if she would just come and let me know...



i need her with me when i'm getting yelled at. when i read things others have written about me. when i get mean emails pointing out an error rather than a gentle reminder (i am human). i need her to tell me it's going to be alright. that she's here for me. i just need her. and i can't have her. God gets her now. i wish he would share.

THAT teacher.....

Twice this week, teachers have been in my thoughts. The first, in a sad way. I opened the paper this week to find that one of my third grade teachers had passed away - at a very young age. She was one of those "warm" people. Caring, loving. Inspired teacher. You just knew when you were around her that she loved you... It's been strange reminiscing about her. One of those things you don't do often. Not often enough.

The second time came this morning, at church. I've been relishing in the fact that after 16 years of teaching Sunday School, I am finished! My youngest will not be in ss next year, as he moves to confirmation. So I won't have to teach. Or so I thought. Today I realized that I don't teach because I have to. I lOVE those kids. They refresh me. They inspire me. At their tender young ages of 3 and 4, they teach me so much. So when my 11 year old asked if he could teach WITH me next year, I jumped at the chance. I realized today. I am going to be "that" teacher - at age 70 - that every kid had in Sunday school. And I couldn't think of a better legacy. :-)

raising a bachelor

I realized something yesterday, as I watched my 11 year old son (now taller than me), standing at the stove making himself a grilled cheese sandwich. In all of my "life teachings" that I strive to do, I'm succeeding. My son will be a successful bachelor. He can warm up chef boyardee, and he can make a grilled cheese sandwich.

It scared me. As I watched him, he became a grown man in front of my eyes. Independent, and capable. Not needing me. While I'm so proud to see the amazing young man he's becoming, it saddens me deeply to know that the little boy is gone forever.

There are many times I see this grown man show up. When he's standing in front of church collecting the offering. When I come home from a long day at work and he greets me at the door with "how was your day". When he makes himself a grilled cheese sandwich. My grown man son. My bachelor.

For now at least, a bachelor to be. I have a few years yet!

On having a daughter

As a woman, having a daughter is possibly the most amazing, rewarding, difficult, challenging, and Blessed thing I have in my life. As she becomes a woman, we do have trials - of independence, co-dependence, and differing opinions. There are times when I feel frustrated, maybe because she's not confided something in me, maybe because we're not talking as much as I'd like.

But then there are THOSE days, when we sneak off to town for a mini shopping trip, just the two of us, and we chat the entire way. Or when I'm home late because of a meeting and I come home to a clean kitchen counter, because she knows just how much that improves my entry back into home life.

And then there is last night.

Last night was my first night of class as a grad student. She'd asked me all weekend as I studied how I was doing. And during break in the middle of class last night I had a message from her "just saying hi, just seeing how your class is going".

I've found that I'm not only raising a daughter, but a best friend. And a good person. A caring, loving, Christian woman. A woman who means the world to me. A woman who will continue to do great things in this world.

How Blessed am I!

so little time these days....

Starting the new year is always a great chance to step back and see where the past year took you, what you want to change, and where you want to be in the end of the new. I am starting 2009 with going back to school, which I'm finding is straining my free time a bit. But I love to learn, so I'm diving in head first. Tonight is my first class, and I may find out that I'm entirely too in depth in my study of the chapter. I just don't want to be unprepared.

The difficult part of this is that I don't want to take away from my family at all. Luckily, I will be able to do my studies online, whenever I want. But this first week I want to meet my profs, get a feel for the classes, and make sure I'm on the right track. With a meeting tomorrow night - that means Thursday is the first night I'll actually be home after work. I'm spending my nights cooking dinners so that I have leftovers to pack for here. Packing lunch AND dinner gets a wee bit challenging and I really don't want to start eating out. The cost, and health factor of that just doesn't make it logical.

So I'm trying to find my new "pattern". Of getting the house clean, of cooking, managing to stay active with the kids, and getting my school and work work done. I actually feel like I'm getting back to my old self. First time since losing mom in 2006. It's been a looooong haul.

Here's to fresh starts.. May we all keep our heads above water and our focus in the right direction!

To the new year!

I had full intention of writing this last weekend. Actually took an extra day off of work which gave me a four day weekend. My "productive" weekend turned into days of Wii, living in my jammies, and scrapbooking. All with good coffee of course. So while it was not productive, it was healing, and a wonderful way to bring in the new year.

I love the fact that I am going into 2009 in a good place. I have so much to look forward to. My first graduate classes start on 1/12 (Ok, that is only a week away!), my dad is in a wonderful care facility and doing beautifully, my dd and I are going on a whirlwind trip of Washington DC over spring break, and we have lots of fun plans already in place for time with friends and family.

I have been working on my health. Last weekend not so much, but you have to have a weekend like that some time. I am thrilled that I feel in control of my choices, in most aspects of my life. So here's my toast to 2009! A great friend told me "2009 is mine". And we really have committed to taking back our lives this year. Stopping to smell the roses. Enjoying those we love. I hope we maintain that committment.....

I am surrounded by SO many amazing friends and family. I cannot tell you here how Blessed I am. I am continually amazed at that aspect of my life. God is such a good God. No matter what trials we go through, it is always for a reason. And I once read a quote that every time you suffer something difficult, and are torn to bits, the you that you become when you put the pieces back together is even better than before. And I truly believe that. Each time I have a difficult time, I come out stronger, surrounded by yet more amazing people.

Really looking forward to 2009, and the challenges, and Blessings God has in store!