Faith

The first area I need to attack in my life is my Faith. I found my Faith around the age of 14. I was in confirmation class. My family didn't go to church much. My mom and I went 4-5 times a year at best. But I had an amazing Pastor for my confirmation. And through his guidance, and deep introspection, I found my relationship with Christ. At that point, Faith became a major part of my life.

I went to a Christian college. While there, I was part of the chapel group, Bible studies, and my life in general was Faith based. I was by no means perfect, but it was still there. It was my Faith at that time that allowed me to find forgiveness for my alcoholic father.

After marriage, I became active in church - holding positions from sunday school teacher to treasurer. I found recently that my position as treasurer, extremely demanding, had actually started distracting me from my true Faith. I was getting angry at all the time I needed to spend on it. I was getting angry for falling behind, for letting people down. And it spiralled out of control. So on my birthday I resigned. It was a tough decision. I've only had the position for two years. But I knew that it was starting to pull me from my Faith, and without that I am nothing.

I had a great conversation with our Pastor today. He found out I resigned, and he talked me through my questioning my decision. He's an amazing Pastor - someone I can talk to earnestly. He's helping me refocus. He's reaffirmed my need to reconnect. He's listened.

My goal in fixing this aspect of my life is to include at least 15 minutes of meditation in each day. I want to begin my women's bible devotion book. I want to really focus on my Faithbook. And today's talk with Pastor Tom was a great beginning.

what's in a card?

I recently turned 38. For my birthday, I received wonderful notes from SO many good friends - all over the country. What struck me this year was how each of those cards truly represented the friend sending it, and the relationship I have with them.

Karen-her card was a beautiful photo of a coffee cup, perfect from my coffee clutch buddy, whom I share a love of java with.
Ginny - sent a goofy card about how "cool" we looked back in the day, and it brought back memories of goofy photos in cow slippers...
Tim - his card had a black and white photo of two girlfriends - from maybe the fifties. goofy, but his comment about the girls being Sarah and I, and he behind the camera as photographer completely described our childhood.

I just hope that everyone who takes the time to pick out a card, and send it, knows that they really do mean a lot to me.

What makes MISSY?

My first step is to map out those areas of my life that are important to me. What makes me tick? What gets me going?

Faith - throughout my life, as long as I've been in control, my Faith is the cornerstone. As of late, that has been in question, and I need to return it to being a part of EVERY day.

Family - Obviously, my family is the center of my earthly existence. Ken and the kids first, then my parents and siblings, then Ken's family. I need to nourish all family relationships, each in its own way.

Health - both emotional and physical. I've been working piece by piece on both of these, and honestly, without good health (both) I'm no good to anyone.

Friends - I have a core of amazing friends (many who read this - yes YOU!), who I need to concentrate on. The deserve that from me. I owe that to them.

Hobbies - I have several hobbies and interests that I need to grow. I've lost that part of who I am, and I need to regain that part of me.

Work - I take great pride in my work. I love my work. I need to focus 100% while AT work, and bring 0% work home with me.

I think that's it. That, is who I am. Or who I was, and who I will be again. Next up, I'll break each out into its importance in my life, and how I am going to get it back!

needing direction...

I have figured out that I am in need of direction... I've been floating without true vision, passion, and direction since mid 06. Losing my mom had a much more lasting effect than I would have ever thought. So it needs to by my goal to FIND that direction. Determine those things most important to me, and determine what I need to do in my life to make them happen.

So this is the first in a series on me, getting "my groove on", finding that direction....

Buckle your seat belts and hang on - it's going to be a WILD ride!

greys

I love Grey's Anatomy. Yesterday was the first new episode (not a bad thing for my bday). And I loved it. Had my morning chat with my bf on the way to work this morning, and it cracked us both up. I love that show!

Had two wonderful surprises last night - phone calls from a dear friend, and my closest sister. Very nice surprise.

I gave my resignation to the church president - asking him to find a replacement for me as treasurer. It's a job that has caused great stress in my life, and my Faith is so critical to my well being that I don't want anything tainting it in my life. I decided that the job wasn't for me, and I've asked him to begin looking. I'm sure it will be months before someone is found and trained, but just knowing I've said that to him helps.

Time to hit the books. Work is calling. But it's Friday.

signs

April 24th, 2008. My 38th birthday. Happy Birthday to me!



Strange day. Started at 4:30 am. My inlaws (who, after some not so great years have become such an amazing Blessing in my life!), took our family out for breakfast before work/school, to celbrate my DH's and my birthdays. We had a great breakfast. Fun way to start the day.

Had meetings literally from 7-12 (every other thur - the curse of middle management), all of which also included my boss, and three of my peer managers (all men). Not sure how I ended up having THAT for a birthday - but they've teased me all day.

I got many well wishes from coworkers and friends, nice day to be thought of.

But I'm in a horrible low in my life right now, ridiculously emotional. Not such a joyous time in my life right now, so I'm really not into celebrating.



I took a big muffin to my dad's at lunch. We had cheddarwurst and peas, sitting at the kitchen table chatting. He felt bad he didn't know it was my birthday. (He doesn't know what he's said 5 minutes before, or even the fact that my mother has been gone two years. Cracked me up that he felt bad.) It was a nice lunch. Of course the main thing missing was my mom. It was two years ago today that I took her to the hospital, and she never made it home. So each year it's hard. I miss her as much today as I did then.



It is raining today. I went to the park on the way back to work, parked where mom and I used to go to talk. I think the rain is her. I think she wants me to know that she misses me too. I can't believe how much I still miss her. I would give anything just to be able to chat. To tell her about what's going on. To tell her the goofy William stories. To show her pictures of Allie in her prom dress. At the park I told mom how I wished she was here, how I wished I could see her...



Luckily I have an office with a door. I got back from lunch and had a gift from one of my workers - which included a candle called "angel wings". This woman doesn't know my mom's angel beliefs. She has no idea.



So the best birthday gift of all? The rain and the candle - my two gifts from mom.

birthdays

I was up late last night making homemade cards for a fundraiser. Seems all my days are based around fundraisers these days. Could be worse things I guess. Sex in the City came on. Probably my all time favorite show. I own the entire series. And they were two of my favorite episodes.

I like to think that deep down I am Carrie. The first episode last night was the birthday episode where no one shows up at her birthday dinner. Ironic, in that my birthday is Thur. They all have their reasons - traffic, wrong place, etc. But she sits there, alone, realizing just how alone she is. I can completely empathize with her. I lost my mom in 06, and with that, much contact with my family. I guess Mom was the glue keeping us in contact... I lost my best friend to another city in 07. I miss her ridiculously. I lost my store to the greed of others. And I feel like I'm losing my identity.

The second episode was the one where Carrie is asked to be a runway model, and she trips - becoming "runway roadkill". She lies there a moment, and decides not to slither away, but to get back on her feet and shake it off. And I feel like that is what I need to do right now. I'm going through some issues, and I need to hold my head high, and shake it off. I hope that I can do as well as she did.

It's amazing how watching shows I've seen literally dozens of times before can make you feel good. Say the right thing, just when you need it. I guess all I really need for my birthday is a good bottle of wine and a night to watch Sex in the City. My needs as I continue to age change, they evolve, but into much more meaningful things.