on coming to a crossroad....

There are so many times in life that we come to a crossroad. When we have to decide which path to take. For me there were many obvious ones - where to go to college, what to study, what to do when I found I was pregnant my senior year in college, when to move home after college, etc. Later on in life - what to do when my mom died, leaving my dad, and the most difficult decision I've made - to leave my job after 19 years.

I am sure there are MULTITUDES of small crossroads that we don't even think about - or notice - that have affected where we've ended up, who we've come to know, and how our lives have ended up.

I am at one of those BIG ones right now. After leaving my job - my husband and I decided I would take time off. I got my sub teaching certificate - but really didn't get enough subbing gigs to make the money I would like to contribute to our family. I dabbled with cooking for friends - which gives me some spending money. And I've done a little work on the side for a bakery - but that is almost done.

So a full time job opportunity has presented itself, and I had a great interview today. I am worried (funny) that they will indeed offer me the job, and I will be forced to make a decision about taking it or not. I have no idea what to do.

I have never been happier than since I left the corporate world to stay home. Healthier, and happier. But we are starting to have to make decisions on what we can and can't afford to do - because I'm not contributing to the bottom line. I was in upper management, making a nice income, and left it - to stay home. We are not suffering at all - not by any means - but I feel like I need to go back full time - to help with our retirement funds, to allow us to do all of those things we want to do.

When I think about taking this corporate job, I think "I'd love to buy myself a kindle. And some new shoes. And Ken could buy that new off road bike and take that trip next summer."  All completely materialistic, which is unlike me. I'd splurge on getting a new hair cut and color. Really? THAT is reason to go back to 60 hr work weeks?

There are so many things that I do now - cooking for Ken and William - taking care of the house - taking care of the rentals - and all of that would simply start to stress me out, as I try to do it all. Working AND taking care of my family....

I will struggle with making it to William's sporting events if I take this job. It is 50 minutes from my home. I will not be able to make every game. But will he care? In my honest opinion, he'd rather have the vacations that come with me working full time. But I don't know. He's not open enough to tell me.

I am feeling obligated to take the full time job. That I owe it to my family - to provide for them - materialistically.

But deep down, I will be very sad to say goodbye to my domestic side. I've absolutely loved being domestic - cooking, cleaning, gardening, hanging out the laundry, etc. And I've reduced my carbon footprint SO much. We've reduced by one car, I walk to work (sub teaching), I walk to do errands, we buy less processed food, I grow a lot of our food. I feel like I'm a much better citizen of this amazing world by not working out.

But am I just being lazy? Do I owe it to everyone to continue to use my college degree and experience? Is it wrong to be content at home?

I have never had such a disagreement of heart. I think I know what my hubby and son want - and I will do what makes them happy. Now is just a waiting game. To see if an offer comes. Time will tell.