A New Normal

I love my drives to work in the morning. It always seems like my "thinking" time. This morning, as I passed the cemetary where my mom is buried, I realized that what I thought would never be ok three years ago has become my new normal. When Mom died, I knew life would never be the same - I'd always miss her. I didn't see ever "getting over" her. But I realize now that those changes just move us to the next step in our lives, to our next "normal".

It doesn't matter if it's a move, the loss of someone, a job change, someone else moving. I always feel like my perfect life is being destroyed. I always feel like I love my life, just the way it is, and a change is going to ruin that. But as I get wiser, I see that each change is molding me into a new shape, that new normal.

In the span of less than a year, I lost my mother, left my store, and had my best friend move three hours away. I was pretty sure at the end of that year that it was over. Life as I knew it was done. And in all honesty, it was. Because it has to.

Can you imagine if our lives never changed? If we didn't make new friendships? Didn't try new things? We would not be the amazingly intense, complicated people we are! Each of those changes brings new dimension to our frame of reference, to who we are.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am a better person than who I was before May 9, 2006. I'm not saying that this journey is easy, because it's not. But I'm beginning to appreciate all of my "new normals", and who they are making me into.

holy shit

Sorry if I offended anyone with that title, but the story must be told...

While re-doing the landscaping in front of my house, I moved a beautiful stone bird house to a hook in between the bedroom windows. This house, never before occupied, has been rented now by a pair of House Wrens, who I found out last night, have since given birth. I love having the birds chirping outside the bedroom window in the mornings, my wake-up call before the alarm.

We are in the process of finishing the border around the house, and last night set out to lay the last of the pea gravel. Because of recent rains, we decided not to drive the truck on the lawn, so I had to shovel the pea gravel into the wheelbarrow to transport around the house. My son was helping for a bit, actually just being chatty (very little actual labor came out of those hands), keeping me company.

He was the one to inform me that there were babies:

"Mom, did you know the birds in the house had babies? I can hear them tweeting!"

"Make sure you stay away from the house, honey. They will want to protect those babies, and we don't want them doing anything to them. ok? "

Time elapses.. Several more loads of pea gravel walked past the birdhouse to be laid. As I'm rounding the corner, I see my son (age 12, taller than I) bending down, about 3 feet in front of the bird house, trying to peer in and see the babies.

All of a sudden, that little House Wren (all 4 inches of him) swooped out and got my son on his head.

"HOLY SHIT" was all I heard.

I of course started laughing hysterically, until I realized what he said. When I questioned his words, he dropped his head, ashamed of what he'd said. I of course just laughed and told him he deserved everything he got from that little bird - I'd do the same if there was a peeping tom outside YOUR window.

Hopefully it was a lesson learned.

summer break as a mother of two...

During the school year, my morning is pretty hectic, getting up early enough to be ready for work before the teenage daughter and pre-teen son take up the shower and bathroom. So summer break for me means not having to rush! When I get up, the house is quiet. I get so much more done.

This morning my DH and DS left at 5:30am to pick strawberries, so there was a little more hustle and bustle around while I was getting ready. I rushed around, packing all I needed for work, filling my thermos, and getting out to the car.

Imagine my surprise when I turned on the car, and the clock read 6:06.

In my rush, I'd forgotten that it was summer, and that I hadn't been rushing around my kids getting ready for work. Needless to say, I don't need to leave for work at 6am. So I went back into the house, made some breakfast, and enjoyed my found time.

the smell of the morning air

Leaving the house at 6:25 this morning, I opened the door to a wall of humidity. Not a little humidity. A wall of dense air. The street was quiet, except for my resident House Wren, chattering away. The grass was so heavy with dew that it was bent over, droplets hanging from the tips. Already 69 degrees that early, the cars were covered, not with frost, as we have in winter, but with condensation. And the air smelled humid. It was thick air, clinging to your airways. With a hint of mildewing moisture.

a rainy afternoon

I think this afternoon's rain is a gift. God, telling some of us to sit back and relax. So many of my friends are doing the same as we are now, frantically doing landscaping, re-roofing, siding, all of those outdoor projects we wait all winter to complete.

On a day like this, my initial reaction is utter disappointment that I'm not going to be able to "stay on schedule" with my landscaping projects. In my head, I was getting supplies at noon, then getting a good couple of hours in after dinner tonight, leaving about 2 more hours to finish this weekend, in between graduation parties, a visit to my dad, as well as an afternoon with a sister.

God had different plans. He thinks we need rain (and I think we do!). And He thinks that we need a break from our plans. It's amazing how quickly we are reminded that we are not in charge! We so often think we are the ones calling the plays, making our "schedules".

We are not. He will guide us, push our life in the direction it is supposed to go!

So I now am seeing this rainy afternoon as a beautiful gift. After dinner I might just start the next book for book club, or go through a couple of magazines. After all, it's rude not to accept a gift!

seventeen years ago today....

My firstborn is 17 years old today. It is unfathomable to me. I know that's a cliche. But it really is so true. I feel like life is flying by, like just weeks ago, she was making a commercial in the big box in the living room, while doing a Martha Stewart show. I have a year before she leaves for college. A year of weekends. A year of mornings. A year of movie nights. A year of watching her from the bleachers. It's SO hard to grasp.

I hope that she has a good day. She's been not so happy these last few days- not sure why, as she evades the question. I'm sure her best friend graduating is a part of it. As is summer. She's very social. She misses her friends in the summer, misses seeing them every day.

But she has a busy summer planned - basketball league, volleyball league, volleyball camp, several mini vacas with us. It will be a fun summer, no doubt. The beginning of her transformation to adulthood. She commented the other day that she can now see rated R movies. It's those little things. She's making her own choices. And she's making good ones. I'm SO proud of the decisions she's made.

Enough rambling. Time to concentrate. Celebrating A will come tonight....

begin life crisis

I wouldn't say I'm having a mid-life crisis. But I do think I'm having a begin-life crisis. Meaning I'm beginning to live life. I am devoted to my gardens. I am devoted to work. I am devoted to my Bible study. And last week, I finally bought my first Harley. Ok, it's a Buell, but still a Harley.
Many people hit "mid life" and buy a sports car, or something crazy. I don't want to think of myself as "mid life". I'm really not that old. This motorcycle is a beginning. Something for me. For who I am. It's my "begin-life crisis".

central wisconsin spring

Driving home last week, after three days of long rains, I noticed the corn.

There are a LOT of corn fields here. A lot. And every spring, the fields are worked up, planted, and watched, to see if the corn will be "knee-high by the 4th", meaning the 4th of July. There is something beautiful about the symmetry of planted corn fields, and on this particular day, it was the first day I noticed the corn coming up. Beautiful rows...acres of it... about two inches high. Spring has arrived.

It's been a cool spring so far. We turn our furnace off completely, so cool springs are very evident at our house. We freeze. There are nights I have to cover my head because my nose gets cold. On the really bad nights, we light a fire in the fireplace, which is all we need. But those in between nights get mighty cold....

My garden is up and doing well. Every night I hoe one quarter. It's a round garden, but vegetables, mixed with flowers. The lettuce, spinach, onions, peas, beans, tomatoes, and peppers are all doing well. I should be eating fresh lettuce salads within a week. It's beautiful to look at. I have worked very hard this spring on my flower beds, garden, herbs, raspberries, and grapes. They look better than ever. I hope that I can maintain it. It's the first year I"ve not had to take care of my dad, so I think that my time will be more for my yard work. I hope so. There is nothing more satisfying.

Well, enough rambling on the spring. The lilacs, tulips, and other spring flowers are done, it's time to watch the Iris's (the flower that reminds me of mom).