little changes

I've learned that little changes can make a huge impact. About a year ago, I decided it was time to take my life back - and I'm doing it piece by piece.

There are so many aspects to me. Things that I enjoy doing, hobbies, passions. And over the years, small bits and pieces have been lost. But I'm very consciously trying to bring some of those pieces back into my life, while not overwhelming myself.

I play the violin. I love the violin. After the birth of my second child, I quit the amateur symphony I played in, and my violin went under the bed. Well, I went to the store and bought some fun pieces that I can play - just to play. While I still don't have time to commit to every Thur night and concerts, there is no reason why I shouldn't be playing for myself!

I enjoy writing. That's why I started this blog. I started a book years ago. Might dig it out one day, but that has probably "expired". So I've started writing regular columns in our company newsletter and our church newsletter. Nothing big, but a place I get to be creative and keep my writing alive...

I love reading. So I started a book club. Don't have a lot of spare time, so I started one at work, where we meet once a month on our lunch hour. We're there anyway. It's a great reason to pick up books I normally wouldn't know about, and enjoy good conversation with coworkers that I normally don't interact with a lot.

I need to remember these things. I have a tendency to get down on myself. These things are all steps I've taken to try to regain my identity. One step at a time.

the funk

Good title, isn't it?

I'm not sure if this is a midlife thing, or cabin fever (it has been snowing for five months now), or what. But I'm in the funk. I'm just not me.

My best friend moved away a year ago. (Sound like I'm in high school, eh?) I just assumed it would be easier by now. But I still miss her. I think the reason is she worked with me, and I saw her every day. She was my release person. She kept me grounded. She let me vent. Without her, it all just builds up.....

I've been doing well at work - getting a lot of things accomplished. Then today I got knocked down - TWICE. First, I was pulled from the Chicago show due to budget cuts. Totally bummed out. THEN, my boss called me in to his office and asked me to fill out a check request for him. Something either he should do himself, or have his AA do. I'm a manager. I'm pretty sure he would never ask any of the other managers (all men) to do it. What a slap in the face.

And the people around here are still horrible. Everyone is pointing fingers, being political. I feel like to get anything done I have to pull hair.... It's ridiculous. We can't just all work together for the common goal. We can't just get the job done. It's meeting after meeting of everyone accusing, pointing fingers, and shoving blame.

I need to give myself the "I am woman..." speech. I need to remember just how amazing I can be. But it's so hard some days. I trudge on - up early doing laundry and getting the kids ready for school. Early to work, Late to leave. Taking care of my dad at lunch, cleaning his house, making dinner, doing laundry. CMN and United Way meetings at night. Church books at night. Cleaning my OWN house, after doing homework and feeding the kids. UGH. I don't know that at 37 I cherish the thought of doing all of this (for the most part) for the next 40 years... I know that the kids will grow up and move out. I know that my dad won't live forever. But I also know that I'll probably have other things going on when those hit the wayside. That's who I am.

But some days I look at others - my DH for instance. He's never felt the push to be an overachiever. He's totally content with going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and then hopping on the computer or watching tv. I'm SO envious of that. I need to get to that place.

So needless to say, I have the funk. I'm out of sorts. It'll all work out, it always does. But for now, I just need to whine.

A bright spot though - a card, out of the blue, for no reason, from one of my bff. thanks, gin. made my night last night!

So long....

It has been SO long. I'm sure some of my faithful readers have given up on me...

Life has become this ridiculously hectic whirlwind that flies by. I don't seem to even have time to breathe. I'm working long hours at work, long hours at home, and seemingly behind on everything. So unfortunately my passion for writing has taken a back seat....

I have had an AHA moment in the last two weeks. I've been SO busy - at work, and at church, and was starting to fall behind. I was getting frustrated, and stressed out, and to that point where I want to just start over. I hate it when I get to that point, but I run on overdrive 90% of of the time, and when I crash, I crash hard. I spent days crying, and sleeping. I was done.

One day at work, I started noticing attitudes on people. Five people in particular. They seemed to be picking apart everything done by anyone - in not only my department, but in others as well. They seemed to be fishing to find a way to point fingers for things not done well.

I don't like being wrong. But when I am, I accept it. If someone in my department messes up, we move on. These five people seem to be trying to find ways to make others look bad. And I knew I'd be a candidate because I was starting to get frantic, getting things done JUST in the nick of time.

On the way home from work that night, I cried. Not unusual at this time. It's how my stress manifests itself. But as I'm crying, I start to get angry. Why should ANY stress get that bad? Why should anyone else be able to make me cry?

Then I remembered back to college - had just broken up with a "boyfriend" if you can call him that. It was interim, and I was in a music class with a bunch of his football buddies. So I made it a point to be looking awesome EVERY day. I wanted him to know that I was just fine. And it worked. I didn't allow the frustration of the situtation to get the best of me.

So I decided that this "killing them with kindness" kind of revenge is the ticket. I stayed late, stayed focused, rallied my department, and have decided that no one will be able to say we're not doing our best. If they find something wrong, we'll already have investigated it and know what happened, and what needs to be done going forward.

And the same with church. I have a big job there - and the woman who gave it up would like nothing more than for me to fail. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. I'm going to work my butt off proving EVERYONE wrong.

time flies by...

Last night I had the pleasure of watching my eldest daughter play an amazing game of basketball. She is a sophomore, and plays JV, starting at post. She had a great game - 10 points, several assists, two blocks, more than two steals. Even the varsity coach pulled her aside after the game to tell her "great game".

She stayed to tape the varsity game, but I opted to leave, as it was 45 minutes from home, and I'd yet to get there. Gone straight from work. So I had 45 minutes to think. Down time.

It is so hard to fathom that I only have 2 more years with her. In two years, she'll be moving out to college. Two more years of hearing the stories from school, of watching ball, of taking her places, of hanging out and shopping. And that makes me so sad. My baby is growing up way too quickly.

I was a single mom. I had my daughter right after college. It was just the two of us. And honestly, when I decided to keep her, I never pictured anyone in our lives. I really thought it would just be the two of us for the long haul. Fortunately for us, we found my husband, who has become an amazing father to her.

I can't believe that our years of being buds, mother and daughter, are coming to the cross roads of her adulthood. I can imagine how much fun we are going to have going forward - traveling, etc., but it is going to be different. We won't have her laughing, her sarcasm, her wit, around us every day. While we still have her little brother, the mix will definitely change. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

I vow to spend as much time with both my children as I can. These days are numbered and precious, and I'm not giving anything up!

random thoughts on a monday

so my packers lost yesterday. nfc championship game. ice bowl 2. but we lost. at least we lost to the giants - with a starter from our area. we can at least cheer on richie seubert. but we LOST.

had a good weekend with my ds. dd is off snowboarding at a ski resort for the weekend. dh was working.

guess i'm not in a writing mood today. more another day. sorry to disappoint!

some things I'd rather not know...

In searching for a cost justification file at work today, my computer brought up a folder held by one of my subordinates. Normally, I wouldn't have access to this - not sure what is going on. For some reason, it pulled it up. It was a resume, written last summer, to get a different job.
This associate is awesome. He is a great fit, a smart guy, fully capable, and I would hate to lose him. I truly thought he was happy here, and a team player, the whole bit. Now I know that he's looking for other work. And while I can't say anything about it, knowing in the back of mind, it will influence my decisions going forward. I never had to know. But I do. And that bothers me.
UGH.

today

I haven't been writing much, but there is so much going on in my life right now it's just tough to even get a chance to hit the internet. I haven't ck'd my yahoo account in days.. I can only imagine what it looks like.

Been busy - as usual - with work, church, home, and the kids.

Work is nuts. But lately I've felt that it is going really well. I feel like people actually listen to me when I speak. I feel like they're starting to put more value in my knowledge, my opinions. They're giving me bigger boundaries. I work more with more departments. The downside - haven't gotten a promotion or raise, just more work. The upside - they're sending me to a food show, either Chicago or New York. Man, do I hope it's New York. I'm in Chicago several times a year - it's great, but it's not New York. I had to hire a new full timer - and interviewed 11 people for the job. I ended up promoting a part time person - on a gut instinct. I hope I don't get burned. So far, so good.

Church - I'm busy putting together the year end numbers for the annual report. Council is tomorrow, so I'll be up all night tonight finishing. Just like finals week in college. Nothing has changed. I still procrastinate. That's just who I am.

Home is going well. Actually had friends over to crop on Saturday all day and I pulled a selfish moment. I don't do it often. But I was supposed to go to a surprise party for a dad of one of my son's team mates. Great guy - but very slight connection. I called my "date" (another mom) and cancelled, so that my friends could stay and crop longer. One of my goals for 2008 is to do the things I truly love, not things just because I feel obligated. And I'm so glad I did. My friends stayed really late - and we had a blast.

Personally - I've been really good about walking on my treadmill. I love walking. I can only imagine how goofy I am, as my walk changes with the different songs on my Ipod. My dd loaded it for me - so it's quite the variety. I'm a vision, I'm sure - walking to Fegalicious - arms swinging to the music.

But I am trying to stay active. Still have some emotional eating - late at night - which I'm not sure how to curb. But one thing at a time. My goal is to ad .05 miles each week. This week I'm walking 1.25 every night. Once that habit is fully enstated, I will start on the others.

So far for 08, I'm doing ok. I'm working hard at work - taking pride in what I do - and staying on top of church things - - reading a great book, scrapbooking, spending time with the kids and family, and trying to get healthy. January 15th, two weeks in.

Until later....