April 21, 2008

First one without a great title. Probably because I have no idea what will come from my brain....

I have a lot going on right now. Mentally I'm really pushed, well beyond anywhere I've been before. And that scares me. I am sleeping SO much, but at the wrong times. I'm emotional. I'm falling behind everywhere. And I've not been taking the time to get to church, which I know only compounds the problem.

This Thursday marks two years since the day I took my mom to the ER. She would never leave the hospital. It was my 36th birthday. It's amazing how the last two years have flown by. The routine that I've fallen into. Going to dad's to take out garbage, do the laundry, make him lunch. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder what it will be like for me when I don't have that responsibility. Since I've moved back here (going on 16 years) I've been taking care of my parents - only dad these last two though. I don't want to know what life will be like after that need is gone.

There are so many things that I need to do. I am not taking care of myself. I'm putting so many other things first, and I'm suffering because of it. I know that if I was in a better place emotionally so much would change. But I don't know how to get there.

So I just go on. I keep playing this game of charades. I keep tricking people into thinking that everything is fine, the same as always. They don't know the difference and I don't WANT them to know the difference. Because then I would appear weak. I don't DO weak. I am the strong one, taking care of everything. That's how it's always been .

Wow, I'm rambling this morning. Must be a monday. I stayed up late last night, because I took a nap yesterday afternoon. So this morning I feel crummy, almost hung over, from lack of sleep. I can't do that like I used to!

I'm off to start another week. One filled with fundraiser responsibilities, church meetings, and a hubby on 3-11, leaving me to do it all by myself. Because I am the strong one.

my ginny

All of us have amazing people in our lives. If we're lucky, those people stay with us for our entire lives. I have been incredibly Blessed to have many, many such people in my life. One of those people is Ginny. Ginny is a one of a kind person and friend who unfortunately lives 500 miles away.

The other day I was discussing scrapbooking with a friend at work. Someone who I've only gotten to know really well in the last six months, because of a move to our building. While we were talking, she made a comment, with a smile, and I realized I had found a Wisconsin version of my Ginny! I hadn't put the two together before, and now, every time I see and talk to her, I see a bit of Ginny.

What a nice treat.

surreal

there i was. sitting by myself, crammed in with hundreds of others in a small town funeral home. ken wasn't with me because the men were standing so the women could sit. there were people standing in every nook and cranny, out the hallway and in the back room.

the service was for ken's cousin's husband. an amazing man, father, husband, who was taken too early at the age of 50. his older sister spoke. his nephew spoke. and then his 16 year old son spoke. logan was so strong to stand up there and talk about his dad.

all at once, the chaplain sat down, and a woman stood. she began to sing amazing grace. accapella. just pure and beautiful. simply done, not forced. the sound of that song, sitting by myself, on that day, will forever stay with me. the reality will stay with me.

spring...

A dear friend of mine also blogs - and her blog this last weekend was about spring arriving. This morning I woke up to an inch of new snow - yes, it's April 9th, and it's been snowing since October. I have NEVER in my lifetime known a winter like this!

I have wonderful plans this weekend - scrapbooking with my best friend, who moved away a year ago. A true girlfriends weekend - just the two of us at a retreat in her new hometown. We are VERY excited. I leave at noon tomorrow - for an extended weekend away, just what the doctor ordered! I've been stressed, and frustrated, and in a funk. Hopefully this will renew me!

I've packed like a true addict - enough pictures and supplies for 150 pages (half of what I did in all of 2007!). I crack myself up. I'm a fast cropper, but that is ridiculous. My hope is to finish our big road trip last year on Route 66 - - - I'm only to Missouri (day three)..... it was a two week road trip!

So I start this hump day with bright expectations for the weekend, and a LONG to do list of what needs to be done before I go! Better hop to it!

it's all relative...

it's been a long winter. there are disagreements about as to when winter began. some say the snow started in october, some in november. regardless, it's been a long winter. yesterday was april 7th and it snowed. there are still huge piles of snow everywhere. my yard is done, which is nice, but the reminders of this snowy winter are still all around.

i was struck by the relativity of temperature when i got out of my car at work this morning. i never even gave a second thought to wearing a coat today. i haven't all week. no reason to. it's warmed up and the winter coats are no longer needed.

it was 34 degrees when i arrived at work. not balmy by any means. but at this time of year, after six months of winter like weather, it feels like summer. the same 34 degrees in october would mean winter coat, hat, and gloves....

because it's all relative, now isn't it?

reality check

DH's cousin died this weekend, 51, from a massive heart attack. His lifestyle didn't help matters I'm sure, sedentary, ran a bar. But it's still so scary - he's not much older than my DH. While we are active - taking walks, camping, cutting wood, gardening, etc., but we're both overweight - and could do much on that.

I guess I'll take this as a reality check - and get serious about our health.

a martha stewart staff

I figured out my problem. The answer to my life issues. I need a Martha Stewart Staff.

Think about it. All I'd have to do is come up with the majority of the great ideas. THEY would do all the work!

I'm coming up with great ideas all the time, but I run out of time to get them all done. I want to create altered journals for my book club. Supplies are bought. We're on our fourth book. I still haven't done it. I want to make these incredible invites for my dd sweet sixteen party. Have the idea. But they're not done. I have gifts to put together for two friends who've had babies in the last year. By the time they get them, they'll be in college. I want to create a health journal scrapbook. I want to finish writing my short story. I want to play my violin in church. The list goes on and on. And I'm not even talking about my house and gardens!

I am not enough person. I need more. I need a staff. I could do such great things if I only had a staff!