Be forewarned. While the vast majority of my posts are very upbeat, this one is not. I try to remain positive in life, but sometimes we all have down nights. And this is my blog, where I have been documenting my journey over the last few years, and tonight, that journey isn't quite so easy. I continue on with my brave face, telling everyone how crazy happy I am - Blessed. (This is the truth - although the last few times I've said it, I've felt a little less than that.)
Over the last month, I've had two very disturbing nightmares. I won't go into details, as this isn't a blog about hidden messages in dreams. But I will say that in both, I woke feeling abandoned, lost, and extremely emotionally exhausted. And I think that they tie into the fact that I'm feeling a bit "in limbo" right now.
Nothing has changed. And maybe that's the issue. I'm still teaching part time, which I love, spending the rest of my days between taking care of my family and at church. Still very Blessed to be able to do this. But I am feeling lately that I'm not contributing. To what? I'm not sure. Maybe to anything. I have a nagging feeling that there is more out there for me, but when I start to dream, and get excited about it, I'm always talked down out of it.
I feel like I have crazy potential. So many ideas, but I just end up staying right where I am. And understand that I am so very happy... most of the time. It's just that right now, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. That I'm not living up to my potential. That I'm being lazy in doing what I do.
Maybe it's the comment from a family member asking if I'm teaching at all this week - and if not - the "tsk tsk". Maybe it's the fact that bills are still tight after my husband's trip. Maybe it's my 25th class reunion. Or visitors from out of state. Maybe it's a bit of all of the above. But I feel like I'm not contributing - to society - to the family - at all.
and I'm frustrated
I'm frustrated that I have great ideas, but don't seem to have the means, or ability to make any of them come to fruition. Is it me?
The advice I received tonight was "pray on it". And I have been. For almost two years. And I know that God will answer when it is time. And that He will give me the answer I need. But right now, I feel such crazy emotion.... angst almost. And I need to know what direction to go in.
So I again find myself in prayer. Prayer for direction and guidance. Prayer for the strength to wait until it's time.
1 comment:
You contribute more than you will ever know. You have been given a great gift... and you use it to help so many other people. Maybe you don't see how what you do affects others... maybe you never will - but down the road, I have a feeling that many people will name you as the reason they are where they are in their life right now, or how they learned to be a certain way, how to love, how to pray, how to just be a wonderful person - and it will be because of you! Just keep that in mind as you pray and search for the answers... one day there will be a "ah-ha" moment and it will all make sense. In the meantime, enjoy and embrace this time. You know that your family loves you, your friends love you, your students love you, that we love you, and you know that most of all, God loves you.
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