Monday, October 27, 2008
the first snow...
While running errands at lunch today, the first snow of the season began to fall. It's one of those God moments for me, every year. It never gets old. I never take it for granted.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
life as a power of attorney
These last 7 days have been such a whirlwind. I'm afraid if I don't take time to write, I will forget so much. So bear with me as I pour out some details of what has been happening...
Thursday 10/9 we took Dad to King. By 10/10 he was moved to a high security floor, sedated, and we'd been asked if they could restrain him. 10/11 the nurse called to tell me he'd not been doing well. My sister had gone on Friday and had left when he got agitated. I cried all day Friday and most of Saturday.
Saturday my son had his last football game. I was really feeling abandoned at that point. Not in a good place with my dad. My emotions were definitely not in check. My son not playing hardly at all put me over the top. I didn't sit by the other parents. I actually left for a while. I couldn't STAND to be there. I really feel right now like we don't belong here. I feel like the other kids are closer, excluding my son. I don't know that this is happening, it's just how I feel right now. I want nothing to do with anyone. I want to go home, and be there. With DH and kids. That's all I need. In essense I'm an orphan. Mom's gone. Dad unable to remember what is going on. At 38, I want nothing more than to run away with my DH and kids, and never look back. If it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be.
Monday brought another call from the home. Dad is spitting at nurses, pinching people. That is what they tell me. I can hardly believe he is doing any of that. It's not him. Not to mention the weekend nurse felt the weekend went ok, but now the week nurse (same one from Friday) can't handle him. They've taken away his chew, putting him into withdrawl, which I'm sure is not helping.
I'm sick of telling people how things are going. I'm sick of babysitting. I'm sick of a lot of things right now. And the worst part of all is that I can't show these true colors to anyone. I am a manager. Everything is rosy. Business as usual. Whatever.
Thursday 10/9 we took Dad to King. By 10/10 he was moved to a high security floor, sedated, and we'd been asked if they could restrain him. 10/11 the nurse called to tell me he'd not been doing well. My sister had gone on Friday and had left when he got agitated. I cried all day Friday and most of Saturday.
Saturday my son had his last football game. I was really feeling abandoned at that point. Not in a good place with my dad. My emotions were definitely not in check. My son not playing hardly at all put me over the top. I didn't sit by the other parents. I actually left for a while. I couldn't STAND to be there. I really feel right now like we don't belong here. I feel like the other kids are closer, excluding my son. I don't know that this is happening, it's just how I feel right now. I want nothing to do with anyone. I want to go home, and be there. With DH and kids. That's all I need. In essense I'm an orphan. Mom's gone. Dad unable to remember what is going on. At 38, I want nothing more than to run away with my DH and kids, and never look back. If it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be.
Monday brought another call from the home. Dad is spitting at nurses, pinching people. That is what they tell me. I can hardly believe he is doing any of that. It's not him. Not to mention the weekend nurse felt the weekend went ok, but now the week nurse (same one from Friday) can't handle him. They've taken away his chew, putting him into withdrawl, which I'm sure is not helping.
I'm sick of telling people how things are going. I'm sick of babysitting. I'm sick of a lot of things right now. And the worst part of all is that I can't show these true colors to anyone. I am a manager. Everything is rosy. Business as usual. Whatever.
Friday, October 10, 2008
where to begin...
I have so many random thoughts running through my head, I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday we moved my dad to the VA hospital. With his dimentia, we knew that it would be hard to get him to understand. So to get him there, we had to lie. That is one of worst feelings in the world. Lying to a parent. Deceiving them. Tricking them.
So Dad thought we were going for a drive - to ck out the home. He had no idea he was being moved there. How I wished it had been just a nice drive. We had a great ride - over an hour - beautiful fall colors - clear blue sky - but I was sick to my stomach knowing what was waiting for us.
And it was the worst case I could have imagined. Once we got there, we explained to him what we were doing, and he got so angry. He screamed at us, right there in admissions. He asked what he had done to deserve this. He wanted to go home by mom. He had no concept that he'd been alone for 2 years. He didn't understand that he doesn't take care of himself anymore, that we do everything for him. He didn't remember any of the conversations we'd had - or the lists I'd made of all the things they have at the home. He was angry, upset, and sad, all at the same time. And it tore me up. I will never forget the way he looked at me.
The staff took him to his building, while we signed papers. When we got there, he seemed to have forgotten ever being angry. I think he thought he was in a hospital for something? He seemed to like his room mate - he seemed to be ok. Although I don't think he knew this was permanent. When we left, we got hugs and kisses, and he was watching tv with his roommate.
I just got a call. Last night and today didn't go so well. They are moving him to a lock-down floor because he's wandering from room to room - taking soda from another person's fridge. He doesn't have any idea where he is, or where he should be. How I wish it could be me instead of him. I feel horrible for him. To be confused, scared, agitated. I hate that he needs to be moved. I want him to take advantage of all the wonderful things they have to offer. I assumed because he was living alone, that this would be a reason why he could be on the "light care" wing - but it doesn't appear so. Maybe after getting used to it, he can move back. I hope so. I do not want him institutionalized. I feel horrible. I am the one who signed the papers. I am the one who makes the decisions. And it is tearing me up inside.
So Dad thought we were going for a drive - to ck out the home. He had no idea he was being moved there. How I wished it had been just a nice drive. We had a great ride - over an hour - beautiful fall colors - clear blue sky - but I was sick to my stomach knowing what was waiting for us.
And it was the worst case I could have imagined. Once we got there, we explained to him what we were doing, and he got so angry. He screamed at us, right there in admissions. He asked what he had done to deserve this. He wanted to go home by mom. He had no concept that he'd been alone for 2 years. He didn't understand that he doesn't take care of himself anymore, that we do everything for him. He didn't remember any of the conversations we'd had - or the lists I'd made of all the things they have at the home. He was angry, upset, and sad, all at the same time. And it tore me up. I will never forget the way he looked at me.
The staff took him to his building, while we signed papers. When we got there, he seemed to have forgotten ever being angry. I think he thought he was in a hospital for something? He seemed to like his room mate - he seemed to be ok. Although I don't think he knew this was permanent. When we left, we got hugs and kisses, and he was watching tv with his roommate.
I just got a call. Last night and today didn't go so well. They are moving him to a lock-down floor because he's wandering from room to room - taking soda from another person's fridge. He doesn't have any idea where he is, or where he should be. How I wish it could be me instead of him. I feel horrible for him. To be confused, scared, agitated. I hate that he needs to be moved. I want him to take advantage of all the wonderful things they have to offer. I assumed because he was living alone, that this would be a reason why he could be on the "light care" wing - but it doesn't appear so. Maybe after getting used to it, he can move back. I hope so. I do not want him institutionalized. I feel horrible. I am the one who signed the papers. I am the one who makes the decisions. And it is tearing me up inside.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
the cowardly lion...
I will be admitting my dad to a VA hospital in two days. And I couldn't muster the courage today - to go and see him for lunch. I've gone to lunch at Dad's house 3-4 times a week for the last 2 1/2 years - since my mom died. The thought of having "one last lunch together" kills me. And I can't do it. I'd rather that Monday be my last - as it was normal. I didn't know on monday at noon that this would be happening. So Monday's lunch was normal.
I went to dad's after work last night - to discuss everything - and it was excruciating. It is killing me inside. And I'm afraid to go over there for lunch. I want to remember lunches with dad like they were BEFORE this came. Those lunches are gone forever. So many times I thought about it being the last one - but I guess I had some kind of disconnect with the entire concept.
So cowardly missy is sitting at her desk. Rather than cherishing the last few days lunches, I'm hiding. I'll go after work, when it doesn't matter.
I went to dad's after work last night - to discuss everything - and it was excruciating. It is killing me inside. And I'm afraid to go over there for lunch. I want to remember lunches with dad like they were BEFORE this came. Those lunches are gone forever. So many times I thought about it being the last one - but I guess I had some kind of disconnect with the entire concept.
So cowardly missy is sitting at her desk. Rather than cherishing the last few days lunches, I'm hiding. I'll go after work, when it doesn't matter.
the time is here...
At 3pm yesterday I received the call. The VA home has a room for my dad. They would like him there by Thursday. I've been in a surreal cloud since then, crying mostly. I guess I thought we'd get a few weeks notice?
I knew this was coming - and I know it's the best for him. But it's going to be so hard to say goodbye...
I knew this was coming - and I know it's the best for him. But it's going to be so hard to say goodbye...
Monday, October 6, 2008
LIVE UNITED
I can't believe it's been three weeks... My, how time flies. A quick update:
Held a surprise party for my father in law one Saturday - a story in itself, when I have more time. Family funeral this week - one of my DH's loving aunts - always remembered to send cards, call to say hi. She was ill, so it's a blessing, but she'll be missed! One of DH cousins had emergency open heart surgery - at age 32 - last week. Staph infection had destroyed one of her heart valves. Very scary week, but she's come through, and we will support her through recovery!
Last Wednesday marked the beginning of our United Way campaign here at work, which I lead. LIVE UNITED - U make a difference! We've had a book sale so far, and today I'm running around getting supplies for the company wide brat sale.
Held a surprise party for my father in law one Saturday - a story in itself, when I have more time. Family funeral this week - one of my DH's loving aunts - always remembered to send cards, call to say hi. She was ill, so it's a blessing, but she'll be missed! One of DH cousins had emergency open heart surgery - at age 32 - last week. Staph infection had destroyed one of her heart valves. Very scary week, but she's come through, and we will support her through recovery!
Last Wednesday marked the beginning of our United Way campaign here at work, which I lead. LIVE UNITED - U make a difference! We've had a book sale so far, and today I'm running around getting supplies for the company wide brat sale.
- 675 brats
- 105 hot dogs
- 64 DOZEN buns
- 6 cans of sauerkraut
- 11 lg bottles of ketchup
- 5 bottles of mustard
- plates, napkins, and forks OH MY!
It's my third year with this and I think I'm finally getting it down! It's our kickoff to a month of fun, which this year includes basket drawings, a chili cookoff, and breakfast of champions. I thrive on fundraising. It's in my blood. Something I'm very passionate about. I've been involved with United Way for three years - now on our community campaign committee as well. Today I was photo'd for a profile going in the paper. I had to write a few sentences about my passion:
LIVE UNITED is a way of life for me. Through every day courtesies - helping out neighbors in need - to donations to charities of choice. I am Blessed to be healthy and able to help others in need. I work with our corporate Community Action Committee - which supports volunteer efforts and fundraising in our community. I participate in social opportunities with my children like raking leaves on Make a Difference day, or building a home for Habitat for Humanity. My hope is that through my actions, others will be inspired to do the same. I hope to create a ripple effect, of good work for others in need. LIVE by example.
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