capturing the moment...

I am working on a landscaping project. Or should I call it a labor of love? When my mom died two years ago, I was given a flowering crab tree by a dept I work with at work, and two peonies (my mom's favorite) from a close friend. At that time, I had to just plant them. Didn't know what to do.

Last year, I envisioned a round garden surrounding the trio, bordered with blocks, and including some vegetables, some flowers, whatever I want. A working garden, not just a perennial border.

So I have begun. When my dh was ready to plant his tomatoes, we tilled up the circle around the tree and plants, and planted our veggies. I added some flowers. It is now my goal to get the rock finished around it, completing the project, this summer.

Saturday we purchased the block, and I laid about 20 (128 total.) Sunday didn't have a lot of time to work on it, but I got the first quarter of them completed. At first I was going to try to rush and get it done before my company comes this weekend, but then I decided that I really want to experience the process. And last night was a perfect example.

DH was working on his Harley, son helping him, and dd mowing lawn. I sat at the edge of my new garden taking it all in. The peonies are just beginning to bloom. While most are almost finished, mine held out so that I could enjoy them while I work the garden. The vegetables look amazing, as do the flowers, thanks to the rain we've had. I stared at all the block I'd laid to that point and reveled in the look. It's exactly what I wanted. The lawn mower hummed in the background.

After dinner I returned to the garden to lay a few more block. This time, it was quiet. As I dug, and laid sand, and leveled block, I listened to the frogs, the birds, and the insects. I marveled at just how quiet our neighborhood is. I love where I live. I always have. But it is moments like this that I realized it most.

I love having my mom garden. I bought a beautiful stone, and am looking for a bench. It will be my place to connect with her. Heck, it already is - I know she's there with me while I work.

frustration is setting in....

I am tired of being a martyr. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. It seems like everywhere in my life I find myself being used, and I have no backbone to stop it.

Obviously, my family situation is one. I was told that my oldest sister was coming to see Dad yesterday, so I "took the day off". I didn't need to worry about him at lunch. When he called me confused at 1:30, I grew concerned, because she should have been there. When I contacted her daughter, I was told she'd left at one. So dad didn't have anyone there to make him lunch. I'm sure he ate a sandwich, but that is NOT the point. And neither of my sisters that are POA have mentioned anything about moving dad to a home. Of course not - why should they? I take care of him now for free. They do not at all take into consideration my life, or my dads.

And there is a ton of stuff going on at work, where I've sacrificed my family vacation, my summer, etc., and now I've asked for something in return and miraculously no one can help me out when I need it.

I guess I'm just feeling like everyone is happy to ask me for things, to take from me, but no one is ever willing to sacrifice for me.

Just wallowing in self pity. But this is my journal, it's the only place I can do it, because I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself.

being married...

I actually started writing twice today, because I feel it's been a long time and yet I didn't quite know what to write.

Today is one of those days when I cherish being married to my dh. He picked me up after work for a meeting with our financial advisor, to go over our annual summary and update our holdings. Nothing fun. But it's great to see him get excited over it. It's a great game to him, and I love that he enjoys it.

After we were done, we went to a local bar - Coyotes - a hard rock bar - to have a few beers. It's been awhile since we took time just to talk, and it was awesome. That is one of the reasons I love him. We could talk forever. It was just a great time. Just us time. We talked about summer plans, the economy, the future. All kinds of stuff. And I love it. I love him. But anyone who knows me knows that.

I think he and I fall more and more in love every year. It just keeps getting better!

a letter to my brothers and sisters...

I wish that I had the backbone to write a letter to my five brothers and sisters. But I don't. So here it is.

Dearest brothers and sisters.
It's been two years now since we lost mom, and it saddens me to think of what that did to our family. Some of you I've not spoken to since. Others are divided. Life is too short for this.

I'm not sure if any of you realize what's going on here at home. Dad isn't well. Hasn't had a good day in months, meaning a day when he remembered what the year was, or that mom was gone. Every day when I visit him at lunch he asks about mom. Every visit, I have to retell the details of her final weeks. I have not been able to stop reliving that moment. How about you?

There are days when dad doesn't know much of anything.

One day, when I showed up he thought I was his sister. When I realized he was confused, I started asking him questions. In his mind, I didn't exist. He only had five children. And talking about it made him upset, so I had to let him believe it. Have any of you ever felt that?

This week has been horrible. On Monday he called me three times at work, leaving no message. So I called him, and realized that he was confused. I took time off work to go see him. He was so scared. He didn't know why he was sitting alone in someone's house. He didn't know it was his home of 35 years. He didn't know what town he was in. And he was so scared. I stayed with him for an hour, until he started remembering.

At six oclock that night, I got a call from the funeral home. He'd called them to tell them his wife had died, and was at st. jo's. When they called him back, he acted like she was alive and would be back in the morning. So I rushed back to town with the kids to stay with dad until he went to bed.

The next morning I took time off work to ck on him. I didn't know what I'd find when I got there. Do you know what that is like? I got FOUR calls from him yesterday. Just not knowing what is going on. My heart stops every time the phone rings. Do you know what that is like?

It must be easy putting all this out of your minds being separated from reality. So I hope that this lets you know just how bad reality is. And that it IS reality. It's happening every day here. For both dad and me.

sweet sixteen

So I survived my dd's sweet sixteen party. 30+ teenagers - all really good kids. Not a single incident. All of them were really awesome, talking to me as well. Respectful, thankful. I really must say she's surrounding herself with great people.

She is very very much like me. I see it more and more. I sincerely hope that is a good thing. I've done some pretty stupid stuff in my life. :-)

It's just so good to see her with all of those wonderful people. Because of course I think she's wonderful and amazing, and it's good to see that others do also.