There are so many emotions running through me as I prepare for my daughter's graduation. We've come so far. She's come so far. Last night I was scanning photos for a slide show, and came across a photo of my mom holding her on her first birthday. The most bittersweet of emotions overcame me. Joy at seeing that amazing photo, but incredible sadness that mom won't be here to see her graduate. They were so close.
When I told my mom that I was pregnant, still a senior in college, planning on raising the baby on my own, she told me to come home. They had an amazing bond, and it's so sad to me that she can't be here to share in this time. I know she's watching from above...just wish she was here.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day Mom!
It was four years ago today that I had to say goodbye to my mom. It's so hard to believe that it has been that long. I've been thinking lately about all of the things that she taught me, from how to do laundry, to how to plant a seed in the garden, to how to have patience with my own children.
I'm very sad that I only had my mom for 36 years. Not a day goes by when I don't have something I want to ask her, or something I want to share with her. But I also know that in those 36 years, she taught me how to be a good person. How to be a mom. And a wife. And a friend.
I don't know if she knew it or not, but through how she lived her life, she led me to who I am today. Little things, like always, always, always giving all she could - if it was money to a cause, or baked goods to an event, mom always gave. She always put herself last, others first.
Happy Mother's Day mom. I miss you so much. Above all, I just want you to know I'm trying - to make you proud. To be that person you were trying to mold me into. I love you!
I'm very sad that I only had my mom for 36 years. Not a day goes by when I don't have something I want to ask her, or something I want to share with her. But I also know that in those 36 years, she taught me how to be a good person. How to be a mom. And a wife. And a friend.
I don't know if she knew it or not, but through how she lived her life, she led me to who I am today. Little things, like always, always, always giving all she could - if it was money to a cause, or baked goods to an event, mom always gave. She always put herself last, others first.
Happy Mother's Day mom. I miss you so much. Above all, I just want you to know I'm trying - to make you proud. To be that person you were trying to mold me into. I love you!
Friday, March 26, 2010
on turning forty...
29 days
29 days left in my thirties
29 days before I become a “forty-something”
As I’m sure most of my friends can attest, 40 really isn’t that much different than say…30. Or for some maybe even the mid-late 20s. Once we started having children, getting married, buying houses, our lives just sort of jumped into “being an adult”, with adult decisions, responsibilities, joys, and of course heartaches. Maybe life should be defined by eras, rather than ages: the baby era, the toddler era, the school era, and the adult era.
There’s going to be a big party. I’m not one to hide the fact that I’m turning 40, rather I’m going to celebrate it! With lots of close friends. With the people that have been with me in this “adult era”, to enjoy the ups, and calm me in the downs. Of course my daily commutes to work have given me time for the proverbial “taking stock” of my life, of these first forty years. Personally it seems very strange to think that I’ve been around for 40 years. When you think about it, that’s a really long time!
I’ve done so much, have been so Blessed – to enjoy music, and theatre, both in the audience, and on stage, to travel the world, and meet amazing people. I’ve always been surrounded by wonderful people, many of whom I am still in touch with. I’ve been Blessed with a great education, and a wonderful job, opportunities to serve others, and an amazing church family. A healthy family, a good home, and great happiness. A husband and children that I adore with all my heart.
I have found so many ways to enjoy my life – through travel with my family, watching my kids growing up, spending time in my garden, riding my motorcycle, making the most of our family memories. I’ve learned to focus on those things most important to me – faith, family, friends, charity.
The last forty years have been bumpy, to say the least. And definitely not without heartache. Losing my mom was by far the most difficult time of my entire life. And while I know that everything has a reason, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish she was here with me again. But I’ve also come to realize that each of those difficult times, be it hard times growing up, or losing my mom, was in itself a lesson. While I felt that each of my challenges broke me into a million pieces, I also know that in the end, what I was when those pieces were put back together was even better, even stronger.
That being said, I’m really looking forward to the next forty years, and all of the Blessings, and Joy, and Heartache they too will bring.
29 days left in my thirties
29 days before I become a “forty-something”
As I’m sure most of my friends can attest, 40 really isn’t that much different than say…30. Or for some maybe even the mid-late 20s. Once we started having children, getting married, buying houses, our lives just sort of jumped into “being an adult”, with adult decisions, responsibilities, joys, and of course heartaches. Maybe life should be defined by eras, rather than ages: the baby era, the toddler era, the school era, and the adult era.
There’s going to be a big party. I’m not one to hide the fact that I’m turning 40, rather I’m going to celebrate it! With lots of close friends. With the people that have been with me in this “adult era”, to enjoy the ups, and calm me in the downs. Of course my daily commutes to work have given me time for the proverbial “taking stock” of my life, of these first forty years. Personally it seems very strange to think that I’ve been around for 40 years. When you think about it, that’s a really long time!
I’ve done so much, have been so Blessed – to enjoy music, and theatre, both in the audience, and on stage, to travel the world, and meet amazing people. I’ve always been surrounded by wonderful people, many of whom I am still in touch with. I’ve been Blessed with a great education, and a wonderful job, opportunities to serve others, and an amazing church family. A healthy family, a good home, and great happiness. A husband and children that I adore with all my heart.
I have found so many ways to enjoy my life – through travel with my family, watching my kids growing up, spending time in my garden, riding my motorcycle, making the most of our family memories. I’ve learned to focus on those things most important to me – faith, family, friends, charity.
The last forty years have been bumpy, to say the least. And definitely not without heartache. Losing my mom was by far the most difficult time of my entire life. And while I know that everything has a reason, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish she was here with me again. But I’ve also come to realize that each of those difficult times, be it hard times growing up, or losing my mom, was in itself a lesson. While I felt that each of my challenges broke me into a million pieces, I also know that in the end, what I was when those pieces were put back together was even better, even stronger.
That being said, I’m really looking forward to the next forty years, and all of the Blessings, and Joy, and Heartache they too will bring.
Friday, November 27, 2009
refections from a black friday virgin...
I work at a company that has to work on black Friday. No 4-day weekend, just turkey day off, then back to work on Friday. This has always been my reason NOT to shop black Friday. This year I decided to check it out. My daughter and her friends go every year, they love it. I love to people watch, I love shopping, I love Christmas. Seemed like a perfect match! I don't work until 7:30, and the stores open at 5, so why not?
So at 3:30am, I awoke, my daughter already dressed and ready to meet her friends. Why rush? They don't open until 5! I made some breakfast, packed my work bag, and headed out the door at 4:30. AM. (important not to forget that this is 4:30 in the MORNING.) I live 20 minutes from the nearest town with sales, so I hopped in the truck (BIG TRUCK - important to remember this fact for later), and headed out on the highway. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had joined an exodus of cars leaving our little country town and heading in to the sales. The highway was LOADED, all going in one direction, and one direction only. TO THE STORES! I smiled to myself, thinking how fun this was going to be. Why hadn't I done this every year?
My daughter's first stop was Target, to get none other than MY present from my husband (a neat little trick - he pays her to do his shopping on black Friday - she loves it - AND gets paid, he doesn't have to do the shopping - I get awesome presents for Christmas!). I thought I would meet her there, as there were a few movies I wouldn't mind getting. As I approached the parking lot, it appeared I might have a hard time finding a parking place. Not just a parking place but one that I could fit my BIG TRUCK into. The ENTIRE lot was full. It's not 4:50am. AM! The line of people waiting to get into Target was wrapped around two full sides of the building, and there were no parking places! Needless to say, I kept driving. Onto the next store~!
So I headed to Shopko, texted my dd, who, ON CRUTCHES, was still fighting the crowds at Target. She is obviously more of a woman than I! Still happy just to be out and about on this crazy morning, I grabbed a cart, nothing in particular I needed, and started "shopping". I quickly realized that you don't "shop" on black Friday. You protect your life. I'm pretty much an optimist. I figure that if I'm nice to people, they'll be nice back. If I'm polite, they're polite. YEAH. Not so much anymore. I've heard the stories, I don't live under a rock, but I was SHOCKED at how rude people can be! I'm truly thinking that there are a LOT of people out there who really don't know the true meaning of Christmas! It's NEVER ok to be rude to strangers like I saw today! Once I realized this, I decided I wasn't really in the mood. I did pick up a gift for my hubby, which was on sale (70$ off!), so I justified my morning for that. and decided to go to Target to see how my daughter was doing.
Driving into the Target lot, there STILL weren't ANY parking places! It's now 5:30am, and people are leaving, but more are coming! I decide to head to the mall. No one ever goes to our mall, so I figured I would have better luck there. And I did. Younkers had a sale on Columbias, and my dd wanted one - the least I can do for her knowing what hell she is enduring to get my present from my hubby. She calls, she's standing in line (has been since 5:18, and it's now 5:45), says I should try now to come see her. At this point, I am unsure of any logical thinking, I've lost my hope in humanity, and have realized that I have the most amazing job in the world (as it kept me from this madness for the last 17 years!).
So I once again get in my truck (MY BIG TRUCK) and venture out onto the main drag. Wiser this time, I drive around the back of the building and find a spot. It's now 5:55am, and I'm parked at Target. Wow, that only took one hour! Cool. (sarcasm folks). I walk the two blocks to the store, and go to the back for those movies I thought would make a nice gift to find that of course they are gone, no rain checks. The lines in the store literally circle THE ENTIRE store. I find my dd quite close to the front and stop to chat, with her, and several friends I ran into. She is amazing. Even on crutches, she loves the rush of black Friday.... i don't know that i'll ever go back.
So at 3:30am, I awoke, my daughter already dressed and ready to meet her friends. Why rush? They don't open until 5! I made some breakfast, packed my work bag, and headed out the door at 4:30. AM. (important not to forget that this is 4:30 in the MORNING.) I live 20 minutes from the nearest town with sales, so I hopped in the truck (BIG TRUCK - important to remember this fact for later), and headed out on the highway. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had joined an exodus of cars leaving our little country town and heading in to the sales. The highway was LOADED, all going in one direction, and one direction only. TO THE STORES! I smiled to myself, thinking how fun this was going to be. Why hadn't I done this every year?
My daughter's first stop was Target, to get none other than MY present from my husband (a neat little trick - he pays her to do his shopping on black Friday - she loves it - AND gets paid, he doesn't have to do the shopping - I get awesome presents for Christmas!). I thought I would meet her there, as there were a few movies I wouldn't mind getting. As I approached the parking lot, it appeared I might have a hard time finding a parking place. Not just a parking place but one that I could fit my BIG TRUCK into. The ENTIRE lot was full. It's not 4:50am. AM! The line of people waiting to get into Target was wrapped around two full sides of the building, and there were no parking places! Needless to say, I kept driving. Onto the next store~!
So I headed to Shopko, texted my dd, who, ON CRUTCHES, was still fighting the crowds at Target. She is obviously more of a woman than I! Still happy just to be out and about on this crazy morning, I grabbed a cart, nothing in particular I needed, and started "shopping". I quickly realized that you don't "shop" on black Friday. You protect your life. I'm pretty much an optimist. I figure that if I'm nice to people, they'll be nice back. If I'm polite, they're polite. YEAH. Not so much anymore. I've heard the stories, I don't live under a rock, but I was SHOCKED at how rude people can be! I'm truly thinking that there are a LOT of people out there who really don't know the true meaning of Christmas! It's NEVER ok to be rude to strangers like I saw today! Once I realized this, I decided I wasn't really in the mood. I did pick up a gift for my hubby, which was on sale (70$ off!), so I justified my morning for that. and decided to go to Target to see how my daughter was doing.
Driving into the Target lot, there STILL weren't ANY parking places! It's now 5:30am, and people are leaving, but more are coming! I decide to head to the mall. No one ever goes to our mall, so I figured I would have better luck there. And I did. Younkers had a sale on Columbias, and my dd wanted one - the least I can do for her knowing what hell she is enduring to get my present from my hubby. She calls, she's standing in line (has been since 5:18, and it's now 5:45), says I should try now to come see her. At this point, I am unsure of any logical thinking, I've lost my hope in humanity, and have realized that I have the most amazing job in the world (as it kept me from this madness for the last 17 years!).
So I once again get in my truck (MY BIG TRUCK) and venture out onto the main drag. Wiser this time, I drive around the back of the building and find a spot. It's now 5:55am, and I'm parked at Target. Wow, that only took one hour! Cool. (sarcasm folks). I walk the two blocks to the store, and go to the back for those movies I thought would make a nice gift to find that of course they are gone, no rain checks. The lines in the store literally circle THE ENTIRE store. I find my dd quite close to the front and stop to chat, with her, and several friends I ran into. She is amazing. Even on crutches, she loves the rush of black Friday.... i don't know that i'll ever go back.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Maybe I'm not Ready for this!
Tonight finds me once again alone in the house. As my children get older, this seems to happen time and again, more often with each month. I cherish these little glimpses of solitude. I cherish them.
I was surprised to find myself on the brink of quiet tonight. With my husband off work, it was the farthest thing from my mind. When I got home from work and began dinner, I found that they were going to go scope out the hunting land, with the upcoming weekend being my son's first youth hunt.
Soon after they left, with the chicken and summer veggies on the stove, and the rice in the microwave, the timer for the microwave went off. I opened the microwave only to find it empty. Completely empty. No pan of rice anywhere to be found. I knew I'd filled the pan. I remembered measuring it out. But where was it?
The mystery uncooked rice was on the dresser in the entryway. I had cooked the paper cover in the microwave for an entire five minutes. The rice remained uncooked.
Maybe I'm NOT ready for empty nest!
I was surprised to find myself on the brink of quiet tonight. With my husband off work, it was the farthest thing from my mind. When I got home from work and began dinner, I found that they were going to go scope out the hunting land, with the upcoming weekend being my son's first youth hunt.
Soon after they left, with the chicken and summer veggies on the stove, and the rice in the microwave, the timer for the microwave went off. I opened the microwave only to find it empty. Completely empty. No pan of rice anywhere to be found. I knew I'd filled the pan. I remembered measuring it out. But where was it?
The mystery uncooked rice was on the dresser in the entryway. I had cooked the paper cover in the microwave for an entire five minutes. The rice remained uncooked.
Maybe I'm NOT ready for empty nest!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
a crisp fall sunrise
One of my favorite times of day occurs when I get in the car to head to work. I have a 20 minute highway commute, and it's a time of reflection, a time to start the day. On very special mornings, I am able to see a beautiful sunrise, a sign of God's love for us. And today was one of those days. As I hit the highway heading west, I saw the scarlet sky in my rear view mirror. Just beginning to come over the horizon, I watched as the sunrise colored the trees from top to bottom, like filling in the paint on a water color. As the sunrise hit the tops of the changing trees, it exploded into oranges, and reds, and golds. Just before I turned to head north, I looked up to see the colors reflected in the arms of a windmill. What an amazing picture it was, what a glorious way to start the day.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
in retrospect...
This weekend brought bittersweet feelings - the happy of watching my daughter on homecoming court, enjoying her senior year - and burying a very close aunt who passed away at the amazing age of 83. Four days filled with highs and lows, happy and sad.
My uncle and aunt had an amazing life together, married almost 63 years. One of those ridiculously happy - soulmate kind of marriages. While it was very hard to watch him remember, and then to say goodbye, it was obvious in looking at all the pictures that they had such a happy life together.
My favorite picture (if I can get it scanned, I will post) is of them at a dance. I'm guessing somewhere like the Silver Dome Ballroom. They're sitting at a banquet table, a bottle of 50/50 soda on the table next to them. My uncle has his arms around her shoulders, and they are just SO in love. It's one of those moments caught on film. Ageless.
Many people comment on the relationship I have with my DH, stating that we are very compatible, very happy, and just enjoy being with each other. And I can honestly say that is true. I feel closer to him with every year we are together - more in love. These last few months have been trying. For no particular reason. But we've been, should I say, taking each other for granted? The spark has not been there. And I think that seeing my uncle talk about his life with his wife, and seeing those amazing pictures, was all we needed to bring ourselves back to normal.
A lesson to us all. We will argue, we will disagree. But in the end, if our lives are caught on film, it's the happy times we want to capture. It's those times we need to focus on. and live for.
My uncle and aunt had an amazing life together, married almost 63 years. One of those ridiculously happy - soulmate kind of marriages. While it was very hard to watch him remember, and then to say goodbye, it was obvious in looking at all the pictures that they had such a happy life together.
My favorite picture (if I can get it scanned, I will post) is of them at a dance. I'm guessing somewhere like the Silver Dome Ballroom. They're sitting at a banquet table, a bottle of 50/50 soda on the table next to them. My uncle has his arms around her shoulders, and they are just SO in love. It's one of those moments caught on film. Ageless.
Many people comment on the relationship I have with my DH, stating that we are very compatible, very happy, and just enjoy being with each other. And I can honestly say that is true. I feel closer to him with every year we are together - more in love. These last few months have been trying. For no particular reason. But we've been, should I say, taking each other for granted? The spark has not been there. And I think that seeing my uncle talk about his life with his wife, and seeing those amazing pictures, was all we needed to bring ourselves back to normal.
A lesson to us all. We will argue, we will disagree. But in the end, if our lives are caught on film, it's the happy times we want to capture. It's those times we need to focus on. and live for.
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