Sometimes I just don't want to ask questions.....

I am so very thankful for all of the amazing people around me.

But sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to answer questions.
I don't want advice.
I simply need some time on my own to think and to process what life is doing to me right now.

And then, God puts things in your way.
Things that you need.

A far away friend that can listen, without asking questions, without judging.

A classroom of special needs kids that just simply know how to love. And hug.

And you know, without doubt, that God is there. He is listening. He is holding you up.

I remember... "The Winter of 2014"

OK, I'll say it. I have the winter blues.

And I am normally not that person.

But this has been one CRAZY winter in Wisconsin - 40+days of subzero temperatures, and more snow than I can remember in recent history. It seems like every week the piles of snow are growing!

We had such a LONG stretch of dangerous cold in January that we started going stir crazy. Our new saying became "it's so cold, the air hurts". Cabin fever set in, as we were unable to be outside in the elements for more than a few minutes, due to the dangerously low temperatures and wind chills. I'm talking wind chills of -40, -60 even. It was crazy cold.

And then February came, and to add injury to insult, it just kept snowing....and snowing....and snowing. Groundhog day was a joke, because we all knew there was no way that animal was finding it's way out through the four feet of snow on the ground!

Earlier this week, we had temperatures in the upper 30s, and it was amazing. We were outside without coats, soaking up the sunshine and fresh air. It was beautiful.

And then...

THEN.

The weather man said "the storm coming our way could be the worst we've seen all winter". Seriously? After the winter we've had? THIS will be the worst?

Our moods were deflated like popped balloons. More snow. Blizzard winds. UGH.

Schools let out yesterday at noon, in preparation for the incoming storm. And sure enough, by about 3pm, we had freezing rain and sleet. It had begun. When we went to bed, the winds had picked up, and we had a dusting of snow. When we got up this morning, it was still snowing. While we didn't get the 12 inches originally forecast, we did get a nice cover of snow, and wind on top of it.

Around 12:30, our power went out. I have never been more thankful for that fireplace. The fire, even without the electric blower, was more than enough to keep the house warm. Thinking quickly, I realized that the hot water reservoir in my coffee maker would make one more hot pot of coffee without electricity, which I made, and put into a thermos. We hunkered down for the afternoon sans electricity, reading books, and playing games.

My answer to the power outage: A warm blanket, a cup of coffee, and magazines!

We played a family game of Heroscape, one of my son's favorites, that had been in storage downstairs for years!

We were without power for just over 3 hours. And after hopping on line this afternoon, I found out that our elementary school has roof damage from the heavy snow - cracked beams - closing the gymnasium/cafeteria.

It has been a CRAZY winter. One we will not soon forget. It will be one that we recount to future generations as "the winter of 2014".

Another hard call.....

Another hard call from the Veteran's home. My dad is continuing to decline, eating and drinking less, losing weight, and refusing help. I know that at 88, with his mind gone, this is all inevitable, but it doesn't make the realization any easier.

We made the decision, the nurse and I, to go forward with what they call "comfort cares", doing all they can to make him comfortable, but allowing nature to take its course.

I remember the conversations ten years ago with my parents, that they didn't want heroic measures. That they didn't want to have life if it meant not a quality life. And when my mom coded back in 2006, we missed the opportunity to issue the DNR, and they ended up intubating her. It was horrible to watch her fighting, trying to tell them she was ready to die, telling them she didn't want that. I felt like I had failed her horribly. I am glad to be able to have these conversations about my dad, so that the same thing doesn't happen now....

But it doesn't make it easy.

A morning to catch up

One of the perks to being a substitute teacher is the ability to choose. This time of year is a crazy one for substitutes. Always. And this month I've been able to work every day that I haven't needed off! I've been teaching everything from elementary music and art to high school chemistry and English. In addition, I've been helping the local caterer, and cooking for friends. So it's been a crazy month to say the least.

I have had the afternoon scheduled in junior high math for about a month, knowing I'd have a lazy morning before going in to relax. Yesterday I was called by three different teachers to sub, some the entire day, some just the morning I had free. But I did something for myself. I said NO. I maintained my morning, and it's been a wonderful morning to catch up!

I've made and baked 3# of meatballs for my niece, baked bars for our speaker this evening, and baked off sandwich bread for our house. And it's only 9:30. I crossed three things off my to-do list for the week and it feels great. I'm very happy that I decided to choose me. I feel bad for not being able to help out the other teachers, but in all honesty, I am not the only sub.

So I'm enjoying my morning - having another cup of coffee - while the last thing gets ready to go into the oven.

Time for a sabbatical

I am that person - that is always willing to volunteer, willing to host a party. I am the one people call to vent to, to chat with, and to ask advice of.

And normally, I LOVE being that person.

I am an extrovert. I live for being around others, and gain energy just from being with them.

But my life right now is a bit complicated, and a bit rough. And I need a sabbatical. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to get together with friends. I just want to take a little break.

This is not against anyone, it's simply that I need a breath. I need to just go to work, and come home to take care of my family, and me. I need to read a good book.  I need to nap. I need to have the house to myself.

I am being totally selfish. So I apologize in advance. So no need to worry. I'm not doing anything drastic. Just taking some time to reflect, listen to God, and breathe.

I'll be back. Quickly I'm sure. But for now, I'm on sabbatical. See you soon.

life affected by dimentia.

Yesterday was my dad's 88th birthday. So my husband and I made the hour drive to go and visit him. It was a beautiful day here in the north - fresh snow, but clear skies.... a perfect winter day. We chatted all the way there, but as we got closer, I started to feel the apprehension of how the visit would go. As we entered the town, my heart started to tighten and my thoughts became lost. Would he know me today?

Even though I am only 43 years old, my dad is 88 and lives with severe dimentia. I remember the first time he didn't know me. My mom had been gone for about a year, and he was still living at home. I checked on him once or twice a day - to make sure he was eating and doing ok. One Saturday my entire family went in to visit and check in on him. When we walked in, he looked at me blankly. When I told him who I was, he said he didn't know anyone by that name. When I told him I was his youngest daughter, he shook his head stating "I only have five children". (I am the sixth, born 10 years after the last.)

It was crushing. So incredibly difficult. Having only lost my mother a year before, I realized at that point (I was 37) that I had already lost dad, and was without parents. I can't explain the pain I felt that day. And I had no idea if he'd EVER remember me again. We left that day. But thankfully the next time I went, he was fine. He knew who I was, and we had a wonderful visit.

And thus would go the last 7 years. Even since moving to a Veteran's home, he has good days and bad. Of course, the good days are fewer in between. But we know right away, the look of recognition in his eyes, when he knows us. And there will be specific questions, asking about my husband's job, the kids, etc..

Yesterday I had no idea who would meet me. Would he know me? It is so hard to make these visits. And honestly, I don't visit enough. But dad doesn't remember that we come. He will forget before we are out the door. That is one of the worst things about dimentia. He has no idea that we come to visit. So the visits are for me. A hope that I'll get one last great conversation with him. One more story.

I had a card and a small cake for dad yesterday, for his birthday. Unfortunately, it was not one of those good days. He looked blankly at me, with that generic, polite smile. When I told him happy birthday, he was happy to be reminded that it was his birthday. We talked, but he didn't ask any questions, didn't answer many of mine. It was very hard to understand him. So the visit wasn't very long.

I was crying by the time we hit the lobby. It is so hard for me to see him that way. To know that I may never have another conversation with him that feels real. But he's lived a long life, and I know that. It's not hard on him, as he doesn't know anything is wrong. And I'm so very happy for that. He is content for the most part, and we really can't ask for more.

I did take a picture with dad before we left. And posted it on facebook, where everyone commented about what a nice picture it is. But pictures don't tell the whole story.

This picture doesn't tell about the ride home.

The stories going through my mind.

The tears flowing. 

The horrible feeling of loss. 

Dimentia messes with your life. While bodies go on, sometimes the mind doesn't.

God is always at work....

Two times this week God put me where I needed to be to help someone in need.

I am always in awe when I see God working in my life, and especially when He uses me to help someone else! I do what I can for those around me, but in these cases, I did not know the people I got to help. And it is then that I truly know that I am one of God's children, working His deeds here on earth. And it is so humbling. To be used by Him!

Earlier this week, I was able to help someone who simply had no food for her family. For her children. I am so very thankful that over the last year I've been given the knowledge I would need for that day. And the means. I had the means to help her. I am so very very Blessed to be able to help someone like that! When I think of all of the things that had to happen to put me in that place, at that time... it is truly amazing.

The second time was much more subtle. A friend from church needed someone to read for her in church this morning. I was already teaching Sunday school, so it was absolutely no problem for me to fill in. I don't ever mind reading at church. I love it. And today, the only thing different was a couple new to church - people who I'd never seen before. (We have a very small congregation, so it's easy to know if someone is visiting.) After the service, the man came up to me and thanked me for my reading. I hope that through the reading I did, I was able to help him hear something. I welcomed him to the church, and he was on his way. I was struck with how he said it to me when he left. He seemed genuinely grateful for what he had heard in our little church today, and if I could be any part of helping him, what a wonderful gift to me! Again, thankful that I was put where I needed to be, when God needed me.

I know that neither of these seem "big" to most people. But if there is one thing that I've learned over the last few  years, it's that we make a lot more impact on people than we realize. In good and bad ways. I've tried to learn to listen, to see more. I think that God used me this week. To reach two people in need, with very different needs. And I am very grateful to be able to do it!

A typical Saturday morning!

I've been away with the hubby for a few days, and have not blogged in way too long. I've been enjoying my typical Saturday morning. Cup of chicory in hand, and the Food Network on, my son and I have been relaxing, making up the weekly menus (dangerous when watching the Pioneer Woman!), and writing up the shopping list. We will leave shortly for town, to get groceries and run errands.

I have peach crisp in the oven, and made two pizzas up (left unbaked). Friends are on vacation, so we are surprising their kids, who are home on their own (both adults, totally ok!), with some homemade goodies for the weekend. Hoping it will make their weekend a bit less boring!

Really looking forward to cooking this week, and hoping that it will give birth to a couple of yummy blogs for Saturday Morning Coffee with Missy. I'm trying to use up everything in the freezer, as I'm going to Minnesota in a couple of weeks to pick up our half a beefer. So the freezer needs to be empty, and defrosted, before I leave. I love the challenge of doing this (I do the same with my pantry at times, to work through products).

Some of the highlights this week:
Creamy spinach chicken (a freezer meal already in the freezer!)
Baked Ziti (thank you Pioneer Woman!)
Chicken/spinach/feta sausage in a creamy pasta
Creamy Wild Rice and Mushroom soup
Chicken Parm (freezer meal)

Going to grab another cup of coffee before heading out. Here's to a great weekend!