just a number?

One of my favorite parts of the new year is filling out my planner. I am an old-school paper and pen planner. And I love taking time to fill it out each January, putting in vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc. There is something deeply satisfying about laying out your year in advance. This from the woman who plans weekly menus, schedules housekeeping by evening, etc. I am kind of a planner.

So early in January on a quiet Sunday afternoon, I sat down with my planner.

But when I got to a certain day, I stopped.

I guess I wasn't ready. Or in my head, I wasn't there. But there it lay in front of me. Like a flashing
caution light.

Yep. That's me.

This year I turn 48 years old. When I wrote that down, I missed a breath. Honestly. It took me by surprise. I know that sounds like a cliché. But it literally made me miss a breath.

I just don't see my self as 48 years old. In that moment, I felt so old. 48 felt old. I started to think about how much of my life might be left. I thought about all that I still want to do. Had I wasted my life? How was it I was almost a half century old? I started to think about where I was at in life, my family, our home, our kids. I was having a very hard time getting my head around that NUMBER.

And of course it is JUST a number. Some people are old 48, some are young. I am not sure where I fall. I would hope on the young side. I tried letting my hair go gray a year ago, but couldn't do it. I enjoy hanging with my kids, I love hiking and traveling.

But my husband and I also love just staying home. We do early Friday night fish fry dinners with old fashions and  friends. We play cribbage.

So am I a young 48? Or OLD?

I guess seeing that number triggered some "mid life crisis" mentality in me. As I went through the week, and the week that followed, I found myself thinking about that number. Rationalizing. 47 doesn't sound so bad, so why is 48? I have never been bothered by birthdays. Not 30, not 40, not even 45. But for whatever reason, THIS one is getting to me.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was the 25 year old blushing bride. And now my daughter is almost 26 and thinking about a wedding. It seems like I was just at my ten year high school reunion, and here we are planning our thirtieth...

So I am learning to embrace this number. I am doing more to take care of myself. I say "no" more often. I get enough sleep. I try not to push myself too hard. I take all of life's gifts for what they are - gifts.

So here's a toast. I am raising my glass. To receiving my 48th birthday as a gift. Another year.